Go read the Disclaimer again. I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. Seriously.
Everyone feels calmer and better -- even if nothing else changes -- if they know that someone else understands what they are feeling. A cheap and easy way to make this happen is to repeat back to someone what they have told you they are feeling. When books about being effective at work, in romantic relationships, or as a parent give examples of how to do this, the examples generally sound somewhat dorky and unlikely to be effective. Nevertheless, this technique is incredibly helpful.
Despite this simple observation, many child care books urge parents to suppress, conceal and otherwise misrepresent their own negative emotions (anger, irritation, annoyance, frustration, etc.). These books note that children are very good at detecting emotions. Attempts to conceal these emotions from children increases their anxiety, as they attempt to reconcile our mixed message, or otherwise deal with the fact that the person or people they rely on most are lying to them. Do not lie to your children. If you are angry, or annoyed, express that emotion in an appropriate way. If you are unsure whether it is appropriate, consider how you would feel if your 2, 12 or 22 year old offspring displayed that emotion in that way. You may need to renovate your expectations of your 2, 12, or 22 year old, as well as what you expect of yourself. Children present a lot of opportunities for parents and other adults to grow and improve themselves.
Some self help books advocate learning how not to respond emotionally to the words and actions of others. While this may at times be good tactical advice, it is bad life strategy. Suppressing emotional responses, or reducing connection to others to the point where we no longer have emotional responses to the words and actions of others, limit our ability to get our emotional needs fulfilled. We certainly do not want to teach this to our children. Our words and actions cause emotions in others. We can thoughtfully consider these effects -- before saying or doing something which would cause an effect we do not desire, if possible, and making amends afterwards, if necessary. Our children are much more likely to be tactful and polite if we are tactful and polite.
When we are feeling more strongly than we are thinking, we want those we speak to to reflect back to us our feelings, to acknowledge them and to validate them. "I can't believe so-and-so did thus-and-such!" is ideally followed by, that-really-sucks, or I'd-be-angry-too, or, if neutrality is required, you-sure-sound-mad-about-it. Saying, "You big dork, why didn't you see that coming?" does not help establish or maintain feelings of closeness and trust. When we are angry that our children do not seem to take our feelings into consideration (by what they do or fail to do, whether it is taking out the trash, or showing up later than expected, or saying they don't have to pee then needing to stop after five minutes on the road), we may express that anger, but we can also take a moment when we are calmer to recognize that we must do the same for our children, more often than we expect it of them. We are, after all, the models, the older, the more experienced, in this relationship. Other people do not necessarily know how we would like to be treated when we are feeling an emotion strongly. When we are calmer, and more able, we can take some time to tell them, often enough so they can remember, how we would like to be treated at such times. While mind reading might be nice, it is unlikely.
Copyright 2006 by Rebecca Allen.
Created March 9, 2006 Updated March 9, 2006