Go read the Disclaimer again. I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. Seriously.
If, as an adult, I tell a friend I am tired and that friend says, no you can't be tired, I get extremely cranky. Underneath the crankiness are a host of other emotions: confusion (am I really tired?), betrayal and loneliness (how can my friend refuse to honor my honest communication? They must not really be my friend), feelings of incompetence (maybe I can't tell when I'm tired; they sound so certain I cannot be tired), and so on. As an adult who struggled with this issue (and related ones: I really am allergic to milk products, some shellfish, lemongrass, bayleaf and most fragrances; I do get migraines; bright lights and a high noise floor of a particular kind really do make me feel ill; too much sodium really does make me swell up), I have a number of choices available when this happen. I can refuse to have anything further to do with the friend. I can beat the crap out of them (black belt) or shoot them (I own guns). I can ask another friend to assist me in exercising some of these choices. I can tell my other friends how badly behaved that person is and damage their reputation. I might be able to sabotage other aspects of their life and important relationships in similar ways. As a child, I did not have many of these choices available to me, but I could fantasize about them. As Ginott and others note repeatedly, children who are punished, whose needs are denied, whose selves are suppressed, often spend a lot of time engaging in fantasies of revenge. This is hardly a state conducive to strengthening an emotional bond (or learning much of anything, except possibly ways to deploy violence against another).
I did not make things up when I was a small child. By suppressing my honest communications of what I did and did not like and the details of how things made me feel, the people who raised me have stuck me with years of work trying to dig back under the shit they piled on top of those sensations and the inner knowledge they represent. Please do not do this to your children or anyone else. If someone tells you something, even something seemingly trivial like, I do not feel like having a piece of cake right now, try hard to trust them and incorporate that information into any decisions you make that impact them. Better, include them in the decision making. Sometimes we cannot articulate why we feel the way we do, so when negotiating, do not require people to convince you or explain in detail why they feel the way they do. You can ask, but don't push it, and be prepared to abandon solutions they do not care for and continue to search for others, listening carefully to ones they propose, as they are more likely to meet their needs, and may meet yours as well.
Copyright 2006 by Rebecca Allen.
Created March 9, 2006 Updated March 9, 2006