Go read the Disclaimer again. I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. Seriously.
Discipline theories abound. However, with infants and toddlers, very few tactics actually work. One which does work is The Swap.
When a baby has hold of something you do not want the baby to have (electrical cord, your eyeglasses, nose or hair, a wineglass, a fork, breakable art objects, unpeeled grapes), you will probably take that thing away from the baby. The baby is exploring the environment, and has limited, if any, ability to understand why you took the cool thing away, and even if the baby understands, the baby probably cares a lot less about your reasoning than the simple fact that the baby no longer gets to mess about with whatever it was. Wailing ensues.
The easiest, most reliable way to prevent or end wailing in an infant or young toddler is to offer up something else appealing, but which you are okay with the baby having (a rattle, teddy bear, breast, unbreakable art object, mashed banana, finger). As long as the exchange is executed quickly, order does not matter.
Older babies and toddlers are less willing to accept The Swap, or at least pickier about the details of the exchange. If they are completely uninterested in the new item, you may need to come up with a third alternate, or wailing will ensue. The Swap does not work well if there is an underlying unmet need. For example, if the baby needs something hard to chew on, and you give the baby something soft, wailing will ensue. If the baby is hungry, and you swap the breast for something non-nutritive, wailing will ensue.
The Swap works with Things. The Swap works with people only with some babies, while they are very young (not mobile yet). Once babies are mobile (crawling, butt crawling or walking), The Swap does not work from a primary caregiver to an unfamiliar person, and works only with care and management to another caregiver or other familiar person. The Best Swap item is to mama's breast, which is a darn good reason for extended breastfeeding all by itself. Swapping away from mama's breast is generally very difficult, which is why people try taking that item out of negotiations by weaning. I've seen no compelling evidence that theory works out well in practice, although other mothers disagree.
The Swap is a form of negotiation in which the two parties are roughly equal. Feedback is unambiguous (wailing means the offering was inadequate -- no need to decipher the deep coding of a thank you note or lack thereof). Over time, The Swap can help a sensitive caregiver learn to anticipate upcoming needs and problems and plan accordingly by childproofing, deciding whether or not to go a particular place at a particular time with a particular child, and what gear to bring along to support that child in the stress of daily life.
An additional bonus of The Swap is that you are teaching your baby a useful skill in negotiating with other people. I had not realized this until Teddy used The Swap on me.
When used to replace a dangerous item in the grasp of a young baby with a safe item, the Swap is unambiguously good. When used with an older child who can communicate, without explanation, it can cause conflict. When The Swap is used to replace human contact and relationship with Things (television, toys etc.), it has moved into dangerous territory. Even in relatively ideal lives, caregivers must at times split their attention; supplying material for self-entertainment under these circumstances is a great idea. Children do need to explore the physical environment; letting them have relatively unfettered access to it (crawling or toddling and Getting Into Things) is not exchanging human relationship for Things. It is very important to allow children the opportunity to pursue their own projects with Things without excessive interference, however affectionately intended. But distracting a child with Things when the child is demanding human love and attention can set up a bad pattern in later life if done too often. When the Swap is used as negotiation, misunderstandings will be caught quickly and relationships will strengthen; when the Swap is imposed by a caregiver on a child, and feedback is ignored, relationships can be weakened.
A lot of experts are opposed to hired caregivers. A lot of mainstream parenting involves buying Things that enable overworked parents to keep the kid safe and themselves relatively sane without assistance from anyone else (possibly an artifact of Toxic Swapping in our past). A lot of philosophically and historically inclined folk yearn for a return to the extended family, and kinship networks which supply plenty of caregivers. We are so opposed to that style of living, however, that where it continues within our society, we tend to disproportionately take children out of the family situation and put them into foster care which more closely approximates the two adults plus kids scheme, even when there are far too many children in that household already. To the extent that reasonable research on the subject exists, hired caregivers, if consistently present and not particularly toxic as individuals, are not harmful, and are often beneficial for children's development. It is not easy to share caregiving with others (even a partner, even when parenting strategies are aligned). But everyone can learn from people who help care for babies and toddlers; babies and toddlers can have a lot of fun with more people around to play, and better-rested parents are more fun, too.
Jean Illsley Clarke and company advocate the use of the swap with a choice. When telling a toddler no, they advocate two yeses to go with it. "Don't bite your brother, chew on a biscuit or this rubber duck".
Copyright 2006 by Rebecca Allen.
Created May 17, 2006 Updated February 27, 2007