Sources (Mostly Books)

One Book to Rule Them All

I have a lot more time on my hands than most expectant parents. I also read very fast compared to most people, and I enjoy reading more than nearly anything else. For me, the sacrifices involved in trying to wedge all the information expecting parents need into a single volume are not justified. However, I do recognize that other people are very busy, do not read quickly or do not enjoy reading; a good single-volume book as a reference could make a big difference. What to Expect When You’re Expecting is for a large slice of the U.S., that single volume. I would urge instead that you consider:

Simkin, Penny, Janet Whalley and Ann Keppler. Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn: The Complete Guide. : Meadowbrook, 2001.

Efforts have been made in this edition toward inclusive language (so not assuming the existence of a spouse or that person's gender), and diversity in the pictures, but some sections are unreadable and pointless, notably the anatomy chapter at the beginning. (Although to be fair, I've got problems with The Anatomy Coloring Book's treatment as well.) This could have been rewritten more usefully in so many different ways (including not putting the male anatomy first. Come on!). I'm betting most people don't read this kind of book cover-to-cover, so it may not be a problem for most readers. Quibbles aside, Simkin et al cover the relevant ground, supply a good index, recognize what is typical in the U.S., mention alternatives and supply useful ways of thinking about which options are right for you.

Preconception

Rotgers, Frederick, Marc F. Kern and Rudy Hoeltzel. Responsible Drinking: A Moderation Management Approach for Problem Drinkers. Oakland, CA : New Harbinger, 2002.

Alcoholics Anonymous requires abstinence as a goal. Moderation Management accepts abstinence as one of many goals for modifying one's drinking. Because many pregnancies would be somewhat less risky if mothers were able to reduce their drinking, understanding why we drink, and learning how to modify that drinking when we need to, is extremely useful. Similar ideas can be used for other recreational substances, habits we would like to modify and risky actions in general.

Spar, Debora L. The Baby Business: How Money, Science and Politics Drive the Commerce of Conception. Boston : Harvard Business School Press, 2006.

I knew a number of couples who had enough trouble conceiving their first child that they went through one or more rounds of fertility treatments. The ones who were successful (some of whom got pregnant while taking a break between attempts with ART) were the only ones who volunteered information. The ones who were not successful were quite closed-mouth. Learning about this process is, therefore, not easy.

Spar's book is the first, and thus far only, overview of the field. Unfortunately, she does not give good descriptions of what the experience of treatment for infertility is for women (or men, or couples). Natalie Angier does a better job in Woman: An Intimate Geography. That aside, Spar supplies, in one approximately 300 page, well-documented volume, a history of the industry, the legal and ethical conundrums presented by various technologies, an overview of existing regulation, and a cogent set of arguments for how that regulation could and should be changed. Spar is adamantly opposed to efforts to put an end to the industry, although she couches her opposition in a theory of pointlessness (the business would just go elsewhere). Lactation is nowhere mentioned, even in the context of surrogate contracts (where it does, in fact, occasionally appear).

While I can understand Spar choosing to sidestep moral arguments about the fertility industry, it is less easy to tolerate the complete disembodiment of the players -- she even downplays the experience of hormone treatment, superovulation, egg harvesting and so forth. Sure, she's a professsor at the Harvard B-School, so we cannot expect otherwise, but producing a baby involves bodies, and the high tech world of ART does not change that (in some ways, it makes the whole experience that much more painfully intense). Nevertheless, there is information here that cannot be found in a single volume anywhere else. Kudos to her for the opening salvo in a (hopefully) new subject area of non-fiction.

Spar's book also includes a large section on adoption, including some history and current information about options. If I understood correctly, she and her husband adopted a girl from Russia after having two biological boys without high-tech assistance in conception. She argues very convincingly that attempts to regulate one way of getting a baby without taking into consideration others will just move the business around, possibly in unexpected and unfair ways.

Pregnancy and Fitness

Mahoney, Sarah, Nicole Dorsey, Sally Lee and Ginny Graves. Pregnancy Fitness: Mind Body Spirit. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999.

This was picked up used and passed along to me, which says a lot, I think. Don't buy it. It's relatively uninspired anyway, and the advice for exercise and breastfeeding is really atrocious. They repeat that inaccurate crap about exercise affecting the milk negatively and suggest complicated maneuvers to avoid it, but act as if breastfeeding is sort of optional anyway and you probably won't be doing it. They say breastfeeding hurts, and they suggest exercise bra strategies for breastfeeding moms that in my experience would have led to so much breast pain and so many rounds of plugged ducts and mastitis that I would have just given up. I thought during the pregnancy that the advice was unhelpful (irrelevant, unspecific, boring, etc.). Furthermore, it has one of the worst examples of what I call the fictional squat (a line drawing showing a woman with her butt practically touching the floor, flat feet, not leaning forward between her knees and not holding onto anything. Given where her center of balance is, she'll be rolling over backward almost immediately. And in here, she doesn't have her legs far apart enough to allow for the pregnant belly that isn't depicted, either.) Skip it.

Van Groenou, M.D., Aneema. The Active Woman's Guide to Pregnancy: Practical Advice for Getting Outdoors When Expecting. Berkeley: Ten Speed Press, 2004. (BFPG1)

A lovely little reference book when you’ve got a question about continuing – or taking up – a physical activity while pregnant. Unlike most fitness books aimed at pregnant women, Groenou goes way beyond the walk/swim/yoga/pelvic exercises list, and her advice is given in a trimester specific fashion that recognizes risks without retreating into sedentary paranoia. She says very little about breastfeeding and exercise during her short section on postpartum exercise, but what she says is very supportive of breastfeeding and generally sensible.

Pregnancy and Childbirth

De Vries, Raymond. A Pleasing Birth: Midwives and Maternity Care in the Netherlands. Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 2004. (BFPG1)

De Vries, Raymond, Cecilia Benoit, Edwin R. Van Teijlingen and Sirpa Wrede, eds. Birth by Design: Pregnancy, Maternity Care and Midwivery in North America and Europe. New York : Routledge, 2001. (BFPG1)

Douglas, Ann and John R. Sussman. The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby, 2nd ed. New York : Wiley, 2004.

You may want a book which is organized by week-of-pregnancy so that you can track what is happening as you go along. There are a lot of books to help you do this. I happened to choose this one. I think if you flip through several of these books in the store and pick one whose tone of voice you like, you’ll do quite well. If you have more detailed questions about what’s happening developmentally, google is your friend.

Enkin, Murray, Marc J.N.C. Keirse, James Neilson, Caroline Crowther, Lelia Duley, Ellen Hodnett and Justus Hofmeyr. A Guide to Effective Care in Pregnancy and Childbirth. New York: Oxford University Press, 2000. (BFPG1)

Like Goer's book below, a collection of abstracts of medical research on pregnancy and childbirth, aimed at birth attendants and other health care professionals. The studies it refers to are those of the Cochrane database. If you find something in this book, and show it to your health care provider, and they are dismissive of this source of information, know that your health care provider is either deeply incompetent or highly politicized. You should ascertain which they are and ask yourself if you are comfortable with that. Both the second Goer and this book make for slow reading as there is no narrative structure. However, both are organized by subtopic in a way that makes them relatively easy to use as references.

Gaskin, Ina May. Spiritual Midwifery, 4th Edition. Summertown, TN: Book Publishing Co., 2002. (BFPG1)

Ina May is legendary. She's the midwife who has a birth position named after her. She Is The Farm. A good chunk of the statistics showing how safe midwifery can be involve her work -- the work of women who learned from and with her -- at The Farm. More crunchy than anyone you know (otherwise why on earth are you reading this? You should be hanging out with your midwife friends!) and at times hard to take, Ina May is nevertheless worth at least some of your time. She'll set your lunatic fringe out a lot farther, so your sense of normal is closer to where it belongs (i.e. not anywhere near where the allopaths want it). This book includes stories of births, a text for midwives, and some post partum information.

Goer, Henci. Obstetric Myths Versus Research Realities: A Guide to the Medical Literature. Westport, CT: Bergin & Garvey, 1995. (BFPG1)

Goer, Henci. The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth. New York: Penguin/Putnam/Perigee, 1999. (BFPG1)

Two remarkable, evidence-based books about pregnancy and childbirth. The first was one of the first books I read in this subject area, and strongly influenced the books I later chose (and those I avoided) and shaped a great deal of my planning for this pregnancy and childbirth.

Because Myths/Realities is now ten years old, some dismiss what she says, claiming that clinical practice has "fixed" the lapses identified by research in the past. In most cases, when I have found more current research than was included in the book, that has proved to be not at all the case (my current favorite being that people persist in thinking that ultrasound estimates of birth weight might actually be accurate. Research out January 2006 says otherwise.).

Rubin, Rita. What If I Have a C-Section: How to Prepare, How to Decide, How to Recover Quickly. : Rodale, 2004. (BFPG1)

Prenatal Care

Oakley, Ann. The Captured Womb: A History of the Medical Care of Pregnant Women.

I will never think of antenatal or prenatal care in quite the same way again, particularly whenever someone claims that better prenatal care could somehow magically change outcomes. Oakley's father was active in the National Health Service in the U.K. and she became interested in the history of the British development of antenatal care. While this is a U.K.-centric history, she draws in statistics and information from other countries as well, helping to demonstrate that morals drawn from the experience of the National Health Service (and what went before) apply more widely.

Strong, Thomas. Expecting Trouble: The Myth of Prenatal Care in America. New York: New York University Press, 2000.

Members of the second generation involved in the medical care of pregnant women are writing books about how mostly pointless prenatal care is. Strong focuses on the US. He'd like to see obstetrics and gynecology split into separate specialties. If gyn wanted to go the primary care route, he'd be okay with it as long as it included adequate primary care training. Obstetrics should switch to high-risk only and get out of normal pregnancy and childbirth, turning them over to CNMs (Strong won't talk about lay or direct midwifery). He wants NICUs to resist de-regionalization; he hates seeing high quality regional NICUs be diluted by NICUs-as-profit-centers. He strongly believes that maternal health, environment and actions have so powerful an influence on outcomes that no current form of prenatal care can hope to overcome those effects. He holds out some hope for preconception care, but not a lot. He also hopes that with CNMs doing prenatal more of them will advise mothers on lifestyle (smoking cessation and so forth). Strong really does not pull any punches; this is an interesting read.

Davis-Floyd, Robbie E. Birth as an American Rite of Passage. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press, 2003. (BFPG1)

A lovely anthropological look at labor management in America, written a decade or so ago and recently reprinted unchanged other than a new preface (because unfortunately, things haven't changed that much between then and now). Davis-Floyd provides a cogent explanation for the otherwise bizarre labor management scheme that has developed in the U.S.

England, Pam and Rob Horowitz. Birthing from Within: an Extra-Ordinary Guide to Childbirth Preparation. Albuquerque: Partera Press, 1998. (BFPG1)

I found the title somewhat off putting, and I’m not a huge fan of the first hundred pages (England is all about sculpture, visual art, etc. I prefer words for art). England and Horowitz include wonderful stories and a current level-headed perspective, assuming you can bring yourselves to read what's written, and not interpolate a bunch of other stuff.

Best of all, reading through the art project ideas led to writing about what I was learning and thinking about. Because the focus is on the birth, information about pregnancy and childcare is brief and can be misleading if not wrong (e.g. recommendation of Bestfeeding is great; ideas for introducing bottles set a lot of people off who don't recognize it as a compromise solution; info on gestational diabetes is just appalling, etc.).

I particularly liked that she de-emphasized husband-as-coach, and suggested a birthplace guardian role, and that she talks about doulas helping support both mother and father, especially by helping him know what to do. She uses the ice technique, which inevitably gives me the giggles, but what she calls non-focused awareness (a set of techniques I know from Bandler and Grinder's NLP) has been successful for me in the past. She also de-emphasizes breathing, repeatedly stating that your breathing is perfect as it is, and paying attention to it can really help. This was a huge relief, because the whole obsession with breathing in other birthing books/classes was opaque to me. I was unwilling to try a number of breathing strategies because I know from past exercise-induced asthma events how negative the outcome could be.

Korte, Diana and Roberta Scaer. A Good Birth, A Safe Birth: Choosing and Having the Childbirth Experience You Want, Third Revised Edition. Boston: Harvard Common Press, 1992.

Korte and Scaer produced a survey in a successful effort to change maternity practices at their local hospital in Boulder, CO. They wrote a book describing what they learned, including how to successfully make change elsewhere. I read the third revised edition.

A lot of familiar ground is covered, with a lot of familiar advice about picking hospitals and care givers, avoiding unneeded interventions and bringing mate and at least one woman helper (friend or trained doula or private-duty nurse/monitrice) to the hospital with one's birth plan in an effort to deflect unwanted hospital routines. I had not realized, prior to reading this book, the limitations on the term "rooming in", for example. They also describe some of what is done to newborns in hospitals. I had not realized the whole bili lights thing had gotten that far out of hand.

If you only read one book to help you plan your birth, this one would be a great choice.

Mitford, Jessica. The American Way of Birth.

Mitford, daughter of British aristocrats, moved to the U.S. during WWII, so she had one baby in pre-NHS UK and three in the US, spanning a decade. In addition to recounting her own birth stories and some of those of her friends and acquaintance, her journalist eye found all sorts of gems in obstetrics textbooks, documentary films and the work of academics. She also hied herself to the Farm to talk to Ina May. The whole process started when friends' midwife daughter was harassed by the California Medical Board bureaucracy, so Mitford, a life-long socialist and highly suspicious of special interest groups, had a goal in mind. While a little over ten years old now, like Davis-Floyd, she remains current. Certainly the history didn't change, and practice hasn't changed all that much either. Mitford's epilogue reflects her skeptical hope that perhaps health-care-for-all will happen and fix a lot of the underlying problems. Sick people have sick babies and it's hard to see how prenatal care can fix it, but possibly better medical care for everyone will? Then again, hard to see how that addresses problems of homelessness, despair and poor communities being used as a dumping ground for everything the richer around them don't want in their back yard. The failure of the Clintons' efforts (after the time of writing) must surely have disappointed Mitford, but I can hardly imagine that she was surprised.

Mitford's got one of the best authorial voices I have ever encountered. Read her for pleasure and learn a lot along the way. What a wonderful, wonderful woman, and what a wonderful human being.

Schneider, Ken, and Marcia Jarmel, producers. Born in the USA. One hour video. San Francisco: PatchWorks Productions, 2001.

This video is, unfortunately, expensive (about $200). Some midwives have a copy they might be willing to loan you. If you borrow one, please return it! We bought one and donated ours to our midwives. This is a rare opportunity to see what births look like in a hospital, a home, and in a free-standing birth center (they use the one in New York that serves a wide range of economic, racial and ethnic groups). This is probably the fastest way to get a sense of what kind of place you might want to give birth in.

Simkin, Penny and Ruth Ancheta. The Labor Progress Handbook. Malden, MA: Blackwell, 2000.

Having trouble imagining moving around during labor to get the baby out? This book has the most amazing diagrams. I still wound up with a C-section after about 40 hours of labor, but I do not expect to ever look back and think, gosh, why didn't I try that maneuver. I came up with a couple later on not in the book (could I stand on my head?) in an effort to figure out how to unstick an asynclitic baby without reaching in and pushing the kid back up (which can be risky). For the record, I don't think even I would have tried it, if I had thought of it at the time, and I'm relatively certain the people around me would have strongly discouraged it.

After the Birth: Postpartum Books

Lim, Robin. After the Baby's Birth: A Complete Guide for Postpartum Women. Berkeley: Celestial Arts, 2001. (BFPG1)

A very crunchy, mostly ayurvedic book for caring for a new mother. It irritated me in a few ways (every single bit of nutritional stuff seemed to assume I'd be consuming milk products. I cannot. Not even ghee), but proved to be a useful book to have around especially after my C-section. I did not adequately plan for my postpartum recovery. If you can work up the energy to do so, I'd advise thinking about it in some detail. It's easier to get advice and help caring for a newborn than to get advice and help taking care of your own body and health.

Tupler, Julie with Jodie Gould. Lose Your Mummy Tummy. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press, 2005.

Tupler asserts that virtually all women who go through pregnancy wind up with some separation of their abdominal muscles. This shows up in subsequent pregnancies as "showing" more, earlier (unlike many other sources, which state this is rare. I think the difference is how diastasis is defined, and whether it's treated as a medical condition and therefore rare, or a natural event, and manageable by the woman) in the pregnancy. It can also have other less pleasant effects and some exercise programs (notably some Pilates movements) can aggravate it (even if you never have been pregnant, apparently). She combines some simple isometrics to correct or mitigate the problem of diastasis along with a postpartum exercise routine.

Childbirth, the Newborn Bond and Implications for our Future

Odent, Michel. Birth Reborn. : BirthWorks, 1994.

A short, lovely overview of the development of his ideas and practice at Pithiviers where he was head of surgery at a small hospital in Pithiviers, France. He ditched the job when he got more interested in the maternity ward, and eventually retired and moved to England where he continued to attend homebirths, and to write. He contributes to Mothering online currently. Odent and Dick-Read were both medics who saw some amount of war activity; I believe in each case that level of excitement helped them avoid the temptation to make birth an exciting or interesting process in an interventionist sense.

Odent, Michel. Primal Health. East Sussex : Clairview/Temple Lodge Publishing, 2002. (BFPG1)

Here he explores the possibility that setpoints are defined between conception and the first birthday that will determine basal lifetime health; needless to say, he thinks the handling of childbirth and the bond between mom and babe to be crucial to improving the health of humans as a species. Odent traces a lot of chronic diseases, and diseases of civilization (like heart disease, adult onset diabetes, Alzheimer's) to bad practices during that period. Odent's and Dick-Read's ideas mesh here, but Odent presents it in a less imperial, Brit-centric fashion.

Odent, Michel. Birth and Breastfeeding. East Sussex : Clairview/Temple Lodge Publishing, 2003. (BFPG1)

Odent (like Alice Miller) gets more radical as he goes along. Here he explores the cross-cultural belief that colostrum is bad for babies and what purpose this belief has served across time and place. He also delves into the relationship between adrenaline and oxytocin during birth in developing his theory of the fetal ejection reflex.

Odent, Michel. The Farmer and the Obstetrician. London : Free Association Books, 2002.

In this book-length (but still short) essay, Odent explores an analogy between industrialised childbirth and industrialised agriculture. He brings together ideas from his other works (Primal Health, Birth and Breastfeeding, Scientification of Love, etc.) and integrates himself into a larger tradition of thinkers on birth and cultivation like Leboyer, Steiner, Gaskin, etc. He concludes with proposals for long-term change in the hormonal environment in which future generations are born, asserting that is the single most important priority for civilization. It's a bit of a reach, but his comments on antenatal/prenatal "care" are great.

Odent, Michel. The Scientification of Love, Revised Edition. London : Free Association Books, 2001.

Some of this book reappears in very similar forms in the later Farmer and the Obstetrician, however, the focus is a little different. In this book-length essay, Odent explores the varieties of love, their hormonal components and how they have been disrupted by a variety of cultures to increase the capacity for aggression. Along the way, he refers to a wide variety of research: on mystical states of consciousness, on physical attractiveness, etc. It isn't good science; more like an interesting set of possible connections with enough references to enable an interested reader to pursue a given idea.

Unfortunately, Odent summarizes some of his source material inaccurately. The instance that struck me most was the summary of extremely early weaning in Iceland, which Odent presented in a way that minimized its damaging effects and supported his assertion that sea-food is necessary to human nutrition. The flaws in his summary are not present in the source material.

Leach, Penelope. Your Baby & Chlid From Birth to Age Five Fully Revised for Today's Family. New York: Knopf, 2003.

Leach has a compassionate tone of prose. The book is loaded with gorgeous photos. It has wonderful, rambling descriptions of babies at various developmental stages. I found it to be useless (except possibly as a doorstop, of which I had no particular need). If you want to lead an adult life separate from your child's, if you don't care to breastfeed more than a few weeks or months, if you believe in getting that baby on a schedule, this is a far better choice than, say, Babywise. But that isn't saying much. Leach apparently has another book that's a lot better. I'll believe it only after I get my hands on it to see for myself. This is appalling, but a perfect example of Hulbert's thesis.

Sears, William, Martha Sears, James Sears and Robert Sears. The Baby Book : Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two (Revised and Updated Edition). : Little, Brown, 2003.

Of the three, the least irritating, but oh so many things still wrong with it. First off are the traditional gender roles/Christian parenting assumptions. Next we have some could-be-more helpful diagrams for breastfeeding positions and babywearing. Then there's the early introduction of foods. I could go on, but at least they have reasonable information about sleeping and sleep strategies, and they do not give advice that sabotages breastfeeding. Nothing about early toilet training/elimination communication (hopefully in the next revision), but at least the discipline strategies are not hopelessly evil. I'm still looking for a replacement for this, but am not optimistic.

Shelov, Steven P. and Robert E. Hannemann, editors. Caring for Your Baby and Young Child Birth to Age 5 The Complete Authoritative Guide, Fourth Edition. Bantam Books, 2004.

This is the American Academy of Pediatrics book, and thus represents standard of care in the US. This conservative standard preserves many misguided practices that are slowly being phased out as new research supports more caring, attached parenting styles. If you believe this book, you'll think breastfeeding should end in a few months rather than years, and will unrealistically expect your baby to sleep 12 hours at a time at 4 months old. Their disciplinary strategy is very carrot-and-stick, and while it emphasizes the importance of developmentally appropriate rules and communication, it does not emphasize perspective taking. Their potty training strategy is the usual wait-until-they-are-about-2. This book can be useful in terms of figuring out what you will hear at well baby (and not so well baby) appointments, so you can plan your response ahead of time.

Breastfeeding

Apple, Rima D. Mothers & Medicine: A Social History of Infant Feeding 1890-1950. Madison, WI: University of Wisconsin Press, 1987.

As Judith Walzer Leavitt's student, Apple explores the involvement of women over a period of decades in the rise of artificial feeding in the United States. Scientific Motherhood as promulgated in pamphlets, magazine articles, books, by doctors and through hospitals was a better match for bottle feeding than breastfeeding. Interesting as an explanation for the spread of artificial feeding that is at such pains to avoid sounding like a conspiracy of medical professionals and industry it ultimately comes across as a bit of a tool. Also, while I understand Women's Studies types of the time were looking for indications of women's power in previous eras, however inobvious, still, it just feels like the victims are being blamed. Read Baumslag and Michels instead.

Baumslag, M.D., M.P.H., Naomi and Dia L. Michels. Milk, Money and Madness: The Culture and Politics of Breastfeeding. Westport, CT: Bergin & Garvey, 1995. (BFPG1)

The rise of the formula industry, and why it isn't just bad in third world countries. Although it is about ten years old, things haven't changed that much. The formula industry continues to rampantly violate the international marketing standard, and the US can't be bothered to do much about it, although my husband and I are hopeful that HIPAA will have an impact (that should at least stop health care providers from selling their patient list with due dates to the formula companies). A lot of the other books refer to this one when they rattle off statistics of how many babies die each year because they are fed formula. This book has the really good citations. As a bonus, this is where I found mention of the invention of the stroller by Charles Burton in 1848.

Behrmann, Barbara L. The Breastfeeding Cafe. Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, 2005. (BFPG1)

The single best book about breastfeeding I've read so far (but I have a half dozen waiting, so we'll see what happens). It is composed of women's stories of breastfeeding: infants, toddlers and small children. It covers weaning, relactation, breastfeeding an adopted child, death of a child, multiples, what women did when advised by health care providers to stop (both when that was a good idea and when it wasn't). It's great. The commentary Behrmann provides and the way she organizes the stories makes this a book that could be used for advice as well. If you only buy one book about breastfeeding, this is the one to buy. At least you'll enjoy reading it.

Bumgarner, Norma Jane. Mothering Your Nursing Toddler. Schaumberg, IL : La Leche League International, 2000.

Everyone agrees Best is Breast -- for six months. After that, all hell breaks loose. Before that, most people limit themselves to more subtle sabotage of the breastfeeding relationship: advocating an early return to marital coupledom including nights-out, separate sleeping, night weaning, sleeping through the night, consolidated feeding schedules, early introduction of solid foods, a return to full-time employment outside the home for mama, hormonal birth control, etc. As Bumgarner illustrates, the early sabotage continues and intensifies, but several new components appear. We have a lot of trouble with the idea of nursing little babies, but even those who support nursing little babies balk at the idea that a baby that can grab the breast, or worse yet, walk up to mama and lift her shirt, should still be getting breastmilk.

Which is all pretty weird, given that holds-bottle-by-self is a developmental milestone. Where are the breastfeeding developmental milestones?

Bumgarner, like a lot of the LLL folk (bless them all) focusses more on being discreet and avoiding problems, and less on the (increasingly necessary) activisim to normalize nursing toddlers. But at least Bumgarner (and her grown daughter) nursed toddlers, and advocate that others do so as well.

That said, Bumgarner (like the LLL folk, the Sears family and many others) are awfully mid-20th century in their gender roles -- and that gets pretty offensive. The role for men is highly restricted in the chapter devoted to fathers. Women are assumed to be home caring for children and the household until the children are three or older, and commitments outside the home are found in a chapter entitled "Unique circumstances". Fortunately, the contents of that chapter are not nearly as ridiculous as the title. There are nuggets of value in this book, but I look forward to the day it is replaced by something far better. In the meantime, this is a good place to look for information on a variety of topics related to extended breastfeeding: cross-cultural and historical information on weaning, research about the benefits of extended breastfeeding, negotiating nursing with a toddler, tandem nursing, biting. There isn't much about nursing strikes, and I did not much care for most of what she had to say about the marital relationship (other than that talking is really important, and complaining about the baby while talking to the partner is not likely to lead to support for extended breastfeeding).

Flower, Hilary. Adventures in Tandem Nursing: Breastfeeding During Pregnancy and Beyond. Schaumberg, IL: La Leche League International, 2003. (BFPG1)

Limited information (cross-cultural, medical, scientific, etc.) is available about tandem nursing's safety, prevalence and so forth. Hilary Flower assembles what was available at the time of writing into one place, along with interviews with many women who tandem nursed. After covering the available information and discussing its limitations, her recommendations are simple and sensible: you can't fully control whether you will even be able to tandem nurse; some children will wean themselves during pregnancy, and some women experience agitation, pain and other strong negative reactions to tandem nursing (whether simultaneous or not). While women carrying multiples have nursed through pregnancy, no one advises doing so (even Ina May advises against it). High risk pregnancies are best handled on a case-by-case basis. Flower interviews some women who adopted a second baby after having a baby of their own or having induced for a first baby. This group and women who had breast reduction surgery had useful comments on how to manage limited supply. While there were several moments during Flower's discussion of nutrition where I mentally added information that should have been included, in general, her comments are to-the-point and not harmful. Both directly and indirectly through the snippets of stories from other women, Flower's pointed moral is clear: pay attention to yourself, physical needs and otherwise.

This outstanding book functions also as a what-to-expect-from-a-second-child book for those practicing attachment parenting, as well as a breastfeeding guide to women contemplating tandem nursing. Particularly in the stories, detailed descriptions of how to handle who-sleeps-where, sibling rivalry and exhaustion (first and foremost: ignore the dirty house) come through clearly. There's a lot less about the marital relationship, which is sort of a relief; I am often annoyed with how the relationship with a partner is handled in La Leche books. IIRC, at least one lesbian relationship is mentioned.

Giles, Fiona. Fresh Milk: The Secret Life of Breasts. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2003. (BFPG1)

Some truly bizarre breastfeeding stories and information can be found here: men who helped breastfeed their babies, lactation porn, you name it. Great fun, whether you ever intend to breastfeed or not.

Golden, Janet. A Social History of Wet Nursing in America. Columbus: Ohio State University Press, 2001. (BFPG1)

Exactly what it says it is, and absolutely fascinating. It starts in the colonial period, describing informal arrangements and sending babies to the countryside. It continues through the 19th century middle-class practice of hiring wet nurses and insisting they send their babies somewhere else, nicely documenting the collusion of doctors in trading the lives of poor babies for rich babies (often at a worse than 1-to-1 rate). It ends with the transition to milk banks and pumping, and, finally, successful use of formula in the 20th century. The book is an eye opener in a number of ways. It is easy to read anthropological justifications for AP and other "natural" parenting practices and be amused by some of the beliefs held by other cultures: that sex while nursing will hurt the milk, that colostrum is worthless. But those beliefs were prevalant in our own culture until quite recently -- and the deprecation of breastfeeding is really what killed some of those ideas. It's very hard to get a real sense of how many women can tandem nurse vs. how many women don't even have enough milk for one baby; that makes it hard to tell just how cruel the middle class parents and their doctors were being when refusing to allow wet nurses to nurse their own baby with the baby they were hired to feed. The mixed messages on adequate nutrition even now reverberate with middle-class outrage at wet nurses that demanded better food than the other servants got.

Hale, Thomas W., Ph.D. Medications and Mothers' Milk, 11th Edition. Amarillo, TX : Pharmasoft Publishing, 2004.

The definitive guide to the safety of medications and supplements for breastfeeding women. Do not bother with the PDA and definitely do not listen to your health care provider if the PDA or something similar is the basis for their recommendations, especially if they say you have to wean or pump-and-dump. In addition to his own assessment, Hale includes the AAP's assessment for each item.

Hausman, Bernice L. Mother's Milk: Breastfeeding Controversies in American Culture. New York : Routledge, 2003.

Hausman says she ran into a lot of feminists who had ambivalent feelings about LLL. They felt they would not have successfully breastfed without the League's support, but were very troubled by the League's history, and its promotion of stay-at-home mothering as the gold standard. I'm sure if you sat down and interviewed a bunch of women who felt right at home in the League, they'd express a lot of ambivalence about feminists, as well.

Hausman spends the book pointing out how hard it is to reconcile the real world (in which being with your children when they are young, and breastfeeding them, are important to the present and future well-being of those children) with either of two idealized worlds: the League's ideal (somehow, someone pays the bills while unpaid nurturing of one's offspring happens in the home without undue distraction) and the feminist ideal (in which all adults work at meaningful jobs and are active in the public sphere in many ways). Never mind making all three happen at once. She also spends a large fraction of the book addressing various ethical (should we advocate that people do something so manifestly difficult?) and political (especially when race and class have an impact) issues. She incorporates her own experience, and that of people she knows directly in this discussion. She found out about male lactation after writing the main body of the work, so read the notes for that information.

The most useful idea in the book is that of breastfeeding as an embodied practice. People say it's natural, but it has to be learned, but it's worth reminding us (since we all focus on thinking and other abstractions over our bodies and our endless feeling and doing) that breastfeeding is about bodies. I hope breastfeeding can become a wedge issue forcing us all to recognize our needs as bodies (for rest, exercise, physical affection, etc.).

La Leche League International. The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, Seventh Revised Edition. New York : Penguin, 2004.

If you ask women in the US who breastfed their babies ten or more years ago, this is the book they all had. It isn't that there weren't any other books available; there were (although a great many fewer than now). But this is the Bible, distributed by the organization that helped restore breastfeeding to the US. While the women breastfeeding now are predominantly highly educated professional women, the founders of La Leche were white, stay-at-home mothers with a fairly traditional gender ideology. While they have worked hard to be more inclusive, that background has not (nor should it be, necessarily) been eradicated.

Mohrbacher, Nancy and Kathleen Kendall-Tackett. Breastfeeding Made Simple: Seven Natural Laws for Nursing Mothers. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2005. (BFPG1)

This single-volume how-to book is more up-to-date than many of the others, has a nice small form factor and a clear presentation. It has a nice summary of the current research and a reasonable overview of historical and cultural reasons for the disruption of breastfeeding during the 20th century in the U.S. While I think I prefer the collection-of-stories format myself, this is a very useful reference work, and a good choice if you only want to read one book. While Newman's video is better for seeing breastfeeding in action, this book probably has the best pictures of sidelying breastfeeding that I have seen.

Newman, Jack and Teresa Pitman. The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers. New York : Three Rivers Press, 2000.

Although written by a man, and one of the heavy/huge format books, this is wonderfully informative. It is written for reference, so if you read it through, it is repetitive, but that repetition does help get the central messages across. Probably the best advice book on breastfeeding I've read so far. (I read this post-partum while breastfeeding, which is the point at which I concluded the ideal breastfeeding book should be small enough format and light enough to read while breastfeeding. Behrmann succeeds, but isn't an advice book per se.)

A Visual Guide to Breastfeeding, by Jack Newman, is a video. Get it. It's really, really good. You can skip all the advice/how-to books and get this instead and you'll be way ahead.

Pryor, Karen and Gale Pryor. Nursing Your Baby: Fourth Edition Completely Revised and UPdated. New York : HarperCollins, 2005.

This breastfeeding bible by a mother and daughter team, has been updated numerous times, which is generally a bad sign. It is, fortunately, a smaller, lighter book of advice. It's an okay choice, better than Womanly Art, particularly in conveying a good set of priorities for working mothers.

Renfrew, Mary, Chloe Fisher and Suzanne Arms. Bestfeeding. Berkeley : Celestial Arts, 2004. (BFPG1)

Good stories, good photos and very, very clear, but for whatever reason, doesn't seem to be used extensively in the US, particularly compared to The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. The next few paragraphs are technical analysis from someone who has never done this before. Expect me to change my mind. (Perspective at 5 months post partum: I did not change my mind. At all.)

In the past, according to TWAB, women were taught to position the breast with two fingers. Now, they are teaching C and U holds. Simkin et al in Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn use the word "compress" and some websites call the result a "nipple sandwich" or "areola sandwich" (I think Sears uses this phrase also in The Baby Book). While some make it clear that this is to get the nipple erect (particularly if the nipples had been flat or inverted), virtually everyone describes this as "offering" the result to the baby. There is consensus that this compression should not include the areola. More recent sources seem more emphatic about being well back from the areola. (This is all distinct from "breast compression" as a technique for squirting milk into the mouth of a no longer suckling but still-latched kid, a technique which is never described as normal, but an option in some circumstances.)

Instead of these things, the emphasis is on the importance of (once the baby's mouth is opened wide) the baby taking the breast/putting the baby to the breast, rather than offering the breast to the baby, which according to the authors, is flawed thinking resulting from too many generations of bottle feeding. They do, however, recognize that with a newborn, it may be necessary to support the breast for a period of time to enable a latch. I think this is what most of the other sources are coming around to, after previously advocating a different strategy.

Most sources are clear that the baby should be straight and supported, there is some debate regarding whether the baby's mouth or nose should be in line with the nipple. This is a nose-to-nipple source. There is vast agreement on the importance of mom being comfortable (as this might go on for a while), and having fluids and possibly other things handy.

Steiner, Andy. Spilled Milk : Breastfeeding Adventures and Advice from Less-Than Perfect Moms. : Rodale, 1999.

Steiner's arguing for compassion, attempting to reduce the load of guilt that mothers and others load upon women who nurse and those who don't. That's great. She uses a lot of stories she collected from women who nursed and those who couldn't. She wrote this while pregnant with her second baby, and in the course of learning a lot about nursing, she came up with a plan to have a better experience the second time around and she was successful, which is encouraging. Giles and Behrmann cover a lot of the same territory in more interesting ways, but Steiner is a pleasant read.

Stuart-Macadam, Patricia and Katherine A. Dettwyler, eds. Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives. Hawthorne, NY : Aldine de Gruyter, 1995.

The essays in this volume are a mixed lot after a decade or so has passed. The historical overviews (Fildes) stand as well today as ever. A lot more information has been collected about historic and prehistoric weaning via forensic anthropology since the research referred to here. The anthropological and evolutionary essays (in particular the two essays by Dettwyler) feel revolutionary still today. The essays about the details of breastfeeding (in particular, Woolridge's essay about baby-controlled feeding) feel somewhat dated, as does the article about infant sleep by McKenna. Our understanding in these areas has improved dramatically, making Woolridge's emphasis on emptying sound like a bad bottle-analogy (which other authors recognized at the time), and making McKenna's emphasis on SIDs sound a little less urgent.

In no way, however, can this volume be considered out of date -- or even close to it. I can only hope to one day find another collection of articles half as good.

Children's Books About Breastfeeding

Sick of seeing bottles in every book for your baby? Here are some breastfeeding friendly books.

Martin, Chia. We Like to Nurse. Prescott, AZ : Hohm Press, 1995.

This paperback should probably be kept from the depredations of the very small (or you might buy more than one copy). Lots of nursing animals, simple art, nice colors, no narrative. If only it were a board book. Maybe some day.

Moen, Cecilia. Breastmilk Makes My Tummy Yummy. : Midsummer Press, 1999.

As a board book, it might even survive your baby's excited gnawing. Cute, cross-cultural, kinda lame rhymes but basically fun.

Yagyu, Genichiro. Breasts. Brooklyn, NY : Kane/Miller, 1999.

One color (orange), humorous picture book from Japan which explicitly teaches about breasts and breastfeeding. It comes across a bit stilted, and there are numerous statements that I would quibble with (the indirect statement that women need bras because they have big breasts, the direct statements that: all women have fully developed breasts, women who do not have babies will not produce milk, men cannot ever make milk, that babies seem to lose interest in breast-feeding after "a year or so", that milk stops flowing when the baby quits suckling). However, the description of the experience of breastfeeding a baby, and how mothers generally feel about this even after the baby has grown up, are really great.

Weaning

Bengson, Diane. How Weaning Happens. Schaumberg, IL : La Leche League International, 1999. (BFPG1)

Many readers of this book say they picked it up when they were planning on weaning, and discovered it was, instead, all about why they shouldn't wean. Indeed, as a book by La Leche, it clearly advocates extended breastfeeding, and many pages of this book are devoted to helping the reader clarify why (or even if) she wants to wean, and whether her baby is ready to wean, or if, instead, they are being pressured by others to wean. While I have not yet read any books about tandem nursing (there's one of the shelf), this book discusses how sore nipples and changes in milk supply during pregnancy can affect a breastfeeding relationship and may lead to mother-led, child-led or negotiated weaning.

I think if a mother reads this book well in advance of when she intends to wean, she is less likely to find this offensive. A woman who reads this hoping for technical help in weaning may not be as receptive to the breastfeeding advocacy. It's a thin book, light and easy on the wrists, so quite compatible with reading while breastfeeding a very young baby.

Newborn/Infant

Felcher, E. Marla. It's No Accident: How Corporations Sell Dangerous Baby Products. Monroe, Maine : Common Courage Press, 2001.

Written in 1998 and focused almost exclusively on major market/mid-market juvenile products. Felcher's friend's kid was killed by a portable crib collapse, which led Felcher to dig down into what regulations existed to prevent this from happening again. She documents the limitations placed on CPSC from its inception (and why), the outlaw attitude common within the juvenile products industry (one of the few which will not adhere to any UL standards), and describes what individuals, activists and government can do to rectify the situation. The problems she describes have only gotten worse in the interim, altho now we can conveniently blame the Chinese.

Gerber, Magda. Dear parent : caring for infants with respect. Los Angeles : Resources for Infant Educators (RIE), 1998.

This is not attachment parenting. This is a parenting style that involves cribs, creates calm routines and maintains them, and is very verbal. She is very focused on safety (childproofing a space for the 0-2 year old) and really doesn't like people moving the kid around. If you do need to move the kid around, she wants you to tell the kid ahead of time. If you're going to transport the kid, she likes prams and will tolerate baby-wearing for the minimum time necessary. She is hugely into free play/exploration in that safe environment, starting on the kids back, the kid learning how to roll over, sit, crawl, stand on their own, without being plopped down in a position they don't yet know how to get in and/or out of.

There definitely are ideas in here with a lot of merit, and it's nice to see a compassionate alternative to attachment parenting. That said, I find it ludicrous to think of a crib as somehow natural, while Baby Einstein products are not. Sorry, not buying it. The crucial insights lie in letting the child decide what the child wants to work on at each stage of development, and avoiding surprise, overstimulation and unnecessary substitution when satisfying needs.

Glick, Leonard, B. Marked in Your Flesh: Circumcision from Ancient Judea to Modern America. New York : Oxford, 2005. (BFPG1)

Circumcision was once so common in US society that having a foreskin was unusual. In the last decade or so, circumcision rates newborns have started to reverse that trend. While UNAIDS, WHO and some African governments are currently pursuing the possibility that circumcision reduces the likelihood of men getting AIDS from heterosexual intercourse, studies within the U.S. have shown no such protection. Glick's book does a great job of showing how this is round N of a struggle that's been going on for a while. Someone says circumcision protects against something, a bunch of people popularize that idea, someone else shows it ain't so, but somehow, it's hard to get the memo out to everyone who heard the original propaganda. Penile cancer, UTIs (would someone seriously consider UTIs a reason to cut off a chunk of their own penis?), now AIDS. And all along, circumcision got promoted as a way to discourage masturbation (which it might, by making it harder, and less rewarding).

Glick also tells the Jewish history of circumsion (adult circumcision in African societies is only mentioned glancingly), how the procedure changed over time, and eventually took firm hold in U.S. hospitals for Jews and non-Jews. He spends a lot of time poking at why this particular ritual hung around when everything else came in for question by Reform Judaism -- and he does manage to find observant Jews over a long period of time who objected to the practice.

By the end of this book (which took me weeks to read, partly because I was busy, and partly because it's hard to read about this topic, even when written in an engaging style), I could no longer think of infant circumcision as something that could be justified; male circumcision had become in my mind male genital mutilation, every bit as unjustifiable a cultural practice as clitoridectomy (noting, of course, that what an adult decides to do as an individual is not included in this statement). Hopefully I'll be able to get along with my Jewish friends and relatives still. The sidelights on the conservative trends within Reform Judaism were also enlightening.

There are a number of other books out on this topic recently by a list of authors, many of whom are quoted by Glick for either their recent work or earlier articles and books published by them, so this also makes a reasonable introduction to the field of players.

Kirby, David. Evidence of Harm : Mercury in Vaccines and the Autism Epidemic: A Medical Controversy. New York : St Martin's Press, 2005.

Highly readable, detailed overview of the mostly-U.S.-based question of whether vaccines might cause or contribute to the development of autism and a host of other neurodevelopmental disorders. The theory Kirby describes developing is that the relatively high (compared to "safe" maxima established by the CDC, FDA and EPA) levels of mercury in the immunization schedule interacted very badly in some infants and children with an inherited problem eliminating heavy metals (excreted in urine, feces, hair, etc.), and isn't really doing very much good anyway, certainly in the U.S. It is present in vaccines as a preservative (but isn't tremendously effective as a preservative, and may contribute to poor sterility practices in manufacture); single-dose vials don't require any preservative. The preservative is also not present in MMR, as it is a live-virus vaccine. An alternate theory suggests MMR contributes to neurodevelopmental disorders when the live-virii fail to activate an adequate immune response, and the person vaccinated develops the disease instead. Kirby ably shows these are not incompatible theories; the inherited problem plus environmental insult (of theory one) can contribute to general ill-health that predisposes to theory two.

It is now (2005) not too terribly difficult in the U.S. to avoid thimerosal (the mercury based preservative) in childhood vaccines. Multi-dose vials of thimerosal-containing vaccines are routinely sold to developing nations where cost is a more serious issue. Certainly, however, there is a great need to be aware of and compassionate about this issue, because children were still being given these vaccines in the U.S. in large numbers until at least 2000; those who may have been damaged by this should certainly be heard and compensated appropriately. Research in mitigation/remediation of those harmed (Kirby describes a number of therapies currently in use that are still being investigated for efficacy and safety) should certainly continue to be funded, particularly since many more cases are likely to arise in the future in other countries.

Parents, and the population at large, should also be aware of the larger issue. Vaccine manufacturers are protected from most litigation (since 1986). Use of their products (by children, members of the military, those who attend educational institutions, etc.) is required by law. Vaccine manufacturers, like drug and medical product manufacturers, are responsible for conducting scientific studies that demonstrate safety and efficacy. Like drug and medical product manufacturers, they can be led astray by a juicy bottom line. Unlike drug and medical product manufacturers, it's really hard to get recourse. We all should be aware that the immunization schedule has changed many times since the industry acquired legal immunity, almost invariably led by manufacturers, except when an unignorable problem (as with the lyme disease vaccine, and the rotavirus vaccine) forced backpedaling.

This topic needs additional transparency, publicity and responsible regulation. Our health as a society, and our credibility around the world is on the line. While there are some very agitated, and hence easy to dismiss people arguing that some vaccines are dangerous, the right response is not shut up, don't endanger our program/career/product/bottom line. The right response is to investigate openly, to invite in independent researchers and investigators, to show compassion, and to compensate where harm has been done. Better yet, we should all learn the issues involved, and start asking some hard questions about the trade-offs involved in designing the routine immunization schedule, and whether the right changes to that schedule are being made (it is updated frequently).

Sarvady, Andrea. Baby-Gami: Baby Wrapping for Beginners. San Francisco : Chronicle Books, 2005.

If you see this book, you'll know exactly why I bought it. Who could resist? The first half is how-to-swaddle. The second half is baby-wearing. And it's adorable bundled babies all the way through.

Wasson, Adam. Eats, Poops & Leaves : The Essential Apologies, Rationalizations, and Downright Denials Every New Parent Needs to Know and Other Fundamentals of Baby Etiquette. New York : Three Rivers Press, 2005. (BFPG1)

A thin entry on the horrific bodily fluid incidents a new parent can expect to have to deal with, along with some ludicrous (and uproariously funny, at least to me) advice on how to manage the social repercussions.

Family Sleep

Gordon, Jay, M.D. and Maria Goodavage. Good Nights: the Happy Parents' Guide to the Family Bed (and a Peaceful Night's Sleep!). New York: St Martin's Griffin, 2002.

Jay Gordon and Maria Goodavage describe how to make the family bed work. Along the way, they include some fairly helpful, detailed information about making side-lying breastfeeding work, and is the first book I've seen mention in any specificity the general unnecessariness of burping a breastfed baby. Lots of great stories, some good science, funny and useful ideas for talking back to those who question the family bed. Unlike most sections of books about the family bed, Gordon and Goodavage give a lot of detail with each story about when and how each family started the family bed, and they recognize that it's a little different in the first month or two than it is after three months.

Jackson, Deborah. Three in a Bed: The Benefits of Sharing Your Bed with Your Baby. New York: Bloomsbury, 1999.

The revised edition, printed in the US (but not, apparently, adapted to the US) is another advocacy book. Later than Thevenin but not as current as Gordon/Goodavage, Jackson's SIDS information is more up-to-date and while still quite heterocentric, she is not as blatantly homophobic as Thevenin. Freudian ideas are present but not prevalent. As with Thevenin, the focus is on sleeping with a single infant who will wean from the parents' bed as a toddler or preschooler.

There are technical problems with the notes and bibliography in terms of completeness which may be a problem with the revision. There are substantive problems with the anthropological evidence cited, in that at the time of the citation, it was reasonably well-understood that those sources were no longer trustworthy.Jackson's authorial voice is pleasant and keeps the reader moving along. Unfortunately, she gets ahead of her evidence, exaggerating the possible benefits of co-sleeping beyond what is plausible. This she shares with one of her heavily used sources, Michel Odent.

Thevenin, Tine. The Family Bed: An age old concept in child rearing. Wayne, NJ: Avery Publishing Group, 1987.

The classic advocacy book for family bed/co-sleeping, before it mainstreamed. Deeply flawed in several respects: then-current ideas of homosexuality-as-evidence-of-poor-adjustment can only be read now as homophobic; closely oriented to a heterocentric nuclear family norm in which the man is the only one working out of the home; extremely pro-natalist, to the point that the Pill and IUD are incorrectly described as causing abortion. Safety is given short shrift and due to the age of the book, the information on SIDS is woefully out of date. Historical, anthropological and ethological evidence is handled poorly; many of her sources were recognized as problematic by the mid-1980s and have not been rehabilitated since.

Thevenin effectively positions the Family Bed/cosleeping/bedsharing in a line with Prepared/Natural Childbirth and a return to Breastfeeding. Interesting as an influential book that was part of a big change in parenting still in progress now.

Williams, Simon J. Sleep and Society: Sociological Ventures into the (Un)known. New York: Taylor & Francis, 2005.

There are a lot of books out there about dreams. There are not a lot about sleep. The books about sleep tend to be about sleep clinics, sleep medicine, sleep disorders and the like. Here's an exception: a book partly about how people "do" sleep -- across class, race, gender and culture lines -- and also about what kinds of meaning people make and find in sleep. Needless to say, Williams spends a lot of time noting the paucity of information (of any kind!) on the topic, and describing how those gaps are beginning to be filled, or might be filled in the future, but also noting that sleep has some real problems as a subject.

Like all sociology, I tend to wish it had more historical/cross-cultural data. But like all good sociology, it is thought provoking. He refers to Ekirch's articles; the book was not yet out. Williams carefully tiptoes around the co-sleeping controversies, while including some great information about nap time in Japanese day-care centres.

Bauer, Ingrid. Diaper Free! The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene. Saltspring Island, BC, Canada: Natural Wisdom Press, 2005. (BFPG1)

Bauer's kind of a nut (big surprise), but with her second kid, she decided to ditch the diapers. She relates her own strategy, which she devised without a lot of information about how other people have done this elsewhere and -when. In the course of writing the book, she did a lot of research that overlaps and complements Boucke's. Bauer spends a lot more time talking about the emotional and psychological ramifications of this strategy for the parents, which is entirely appropriate. Worth reading, although like Boucke's book, not necessary to implement elimination communication/diaper free/infant potty training.

Boucke, Laurie. Infant Potty Training. Lafayette, CO: White Boucke Publishing, 2002. (BFPG1)

Boucke advocates an attachment parenting/cross-cultural approach to infant elimination. By associating a distinctive sound with elimination, early awareness of the sphincters is not lost and an infant can learn to slightly delay urination and defecation. In combination with a sensitive parent who notices red faced grunting and so forth (and observes the connection between feeding and elimination) and promptly responds by taking the infant to an appropriate potty location, the infant ideally learns to communicate its needs clearly and is happier and less frustrated. Boucke notes that even when this works, crawling and walking, by putting pressure on the belly, will lead to a lot of accidents. She argues that contributing to a better relationship between the baby and its parent makes it all worthwhile, with the added bonus of less stress on the environment (through washing diapers or landfilling them).

Sonna, Linda. Early-Start Potty Training: Potty train your child by age two, Ensure your child is ready for preschool, Tips for overcoming accidents and building your child's confidence. New York : McGraw-Hill, 2005.

The first non-self/small publisher book on early/infant potty training/elimination communication is a disappointment. Sonna is covering potty training not just for infants and young toddlers, but also attempting to cover potty training for toddlers and young children, and to address bedwetting issues in older children and teens. This is a lot of ground to cover in less than 200 pages.

Sonna is a behaviorist (praise, reinforcement, extra treats -- to the point where she quotes John Watson's advice on potty training favorably) and advocate of positive parenting (limits, time-outs), which are, imo, two strikes against. She is also an advocate of scheduled feeding, as that can make the timing approach to catching elimination much more straightforward. While I certainly hope (and believe) she means that only to apply to toddlers and young children, she does not disambiguate, leaving one with the uneasy feeling she is advocating scheduled feeding for newborns so as to make catching the poop and pee easier. She does supply useful research to support the idea that current diapering/training strategies are first training children to go in their diapers and then untraining them, to train them to go on a potty. For those training older toddlers and young children, she seems to be advocating Nathan Azrin's methods from Toilet Training in Less Than a Day, which have been covered on the Dr. Phil show.

While Sonna recognizes that the world of parenting once did not include diapers, her reaction to trauma associated with a potty and ensuing potty strike is to return to diapers, which strikes me as dodgy for infants (probably unavoidable with toddlers and young children, because of the long established pattern). It is not obvious to me that wearing diapers is less traumatic than being taken to the potty when one does not want to go (Teddy seems to be less than joyful about either). She does recognize the bonding that occurs with infant pottying, and reiterates that in several places, and does note the importance of intuition, even when one cannot identify a sign or signal to explain the sense that the kid just needs to go now.

An entire book about pottying that mentions breastfeeding once or perhaps twice (and only by analogy to parenting practices that were once deprecated and now are returning to favor) is also mysterious. She emphasizes the importance of dealing effectively with constipation early, and notes that it is quite common in toddlers and can affect urination (bowel pressure increasing frequency of peeing) as well as painful defecation discouraging the use of the potty. Either she doesn't realize that breastfeeding (or more relevantly, not breastfeeding) might have something to do with this, or she doesn't care.

She also notes that perching a little one on a potty seat means the little one has nothing to push against while pooping, and advocates potty chairs instead, in particular, ones with removable bowls that one then trains the toddler to empty and wipe clean. Ack! Hardly relevant for infants and small babies; she notes the difficulty of telling when they go, but does not appear to realize transparent potties are available. Also odd -- she read books which mention transparent potties. Some toddlers and young children prefer to poop in diapers so they can stand or squat, which is much better physiologically, but which she does not feel important to mention, just that it is important that they learn to defecate sitting (which is purely cultural anyway, not that you'd know it by reading her). Her solutions never suggest having the child squat over a small or big potty, which I know some toddlers do.

Advocating Azrin's approach is dangerous. Toilet training is one of the two parenting issues most likely to lead to fatal child abuse, and Azrin's approach pushes parents in that direction by feeding their misunderstanding of how long it takes for children to learn to use a potty. On this basis alone, Sonna's book is bad. (Inconsolable crying/colic in an under one year old is the other situation likely to lead to fata child abuse.)

Attachment Theory

Karen, Robert. Becoming Attached : First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love. New York: Oxford University Press, 1998.

Karen is a psychoanalyst by training, with all the problems attendant to that orientation. This trade book summarizes the development of attachment theory, starting with Bowlby and Ainsworth, includes critical responses (including, notably, Jerome Kagan) and recent (although not precisely current) research. The section on Jay Belsky was particularly enlightening. I had noticed that Belsky's book on the impact of the arrival of the first child on the marital relationship was incongruously out of print; this explained why. Belsky, after a number of years reassuring everyone that day care (at least good day care) was not damaging, turned around in the face of mounting piles of evidence that more than 20 hours of day care during the first year of an infant's life can lead to attachment disorders and assorted associated problems. Unfortunately, instead of this leading to a useful dialogue about how everyone's jobs needed to be modified so that fathers and mothers could be home with their babies, this instead led to a massed attack on Belsky and others, accusing him of wanting to return women to the home/hearth/etc. It did have the salutary effect of leading to better national, state and local regulations regarding infant group care (lower staff ratios and so forth). The chapters about attachment in adults are less well supported by evidence (not Karen's fault). It is a pity. Some of his speculation is interesting; a lot is not particularly compelling. More should be done analyzing the see-saw/pendulum between avoidant/ambivalent attachment -- across generations, from one romantic relationship to the next, etc.

Child Development

This is a problematic category. See Matthews work on philosophy, children and theories of childhood.

Eliot, Lise. What’s Going On In There? How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life. New York : Bantam, 1995.

Readable summary of current research in neurology. Production quality of this book is appalling. Amazon reviews said so, and my experience confirms; it falls apart as you read it.

Holt, John. How Children Fail. New York: Dell, 1964.

Holt, John. Never Too Late. Cambridge, MA: Perseus, 1991.

Holt, John. The Underachieving School. New York : Dell, 1969.

Holt, John. How Children Learn. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press, 1983.

In the mid 1990s, I was looking at the proposed standards for education in the US, and disturbed by those standards and schooling in general. While school for me was a life-saver (that would be because my home life was so hellish), I recognized even as a small child that school was not a Good Thing for most children. I was fascinated by alternative ways of educating children, in everything from the Little House books to Cheaper by the Dozen to the tantalizingly brief description in Madame Curie about how the Curies and many of their colleagues co-taught their children (many of whom grew up to be great scientists, writers, artists and so forth in their own right). Further, I knew that I didn't actually learn very much in school; it was just a very enjoyable place for me to be, where I was treated quite well by the teachers and, after elementary school, by my peers as well. As I was looking at those draft standards, I decided to do some research on these alternative approaches. At the time, I read some books by Holt and Gatto, and also Illich's Deschooling Society. Ten years later, it is with great enjoyment that I return to these wonderful authors, and their interesting ideas, this time, with the possibility of applying their ideas in my life, and with my child. Like a lot of people, deschooling is something I want to do for me, first and foremost. If we do decide to pursue this, it won't be much of a change for Teddy at all.

Holt preserved his revision, so the reader gets a real sense of how his ideas changed over time, without having to track down the original and read the book twice to see where he changed his mind (his implementation is cleaner than what I'm doing here, but I'm doing a lot more as-I-go-along). I think at times he gets a bit ahead of himself with the theory, but overall, I still like his style. He's all about letting kids decide what to learn, how to learn it and when to learn it, and trusting them to find the things they need to learn. He used to think he could help; by this revision, he'd concluded all he could really do is answer their questions directly and honestly when he was asked -- serve as a source of information, not attempt to direct them unless of course that was asked of him. Quite a humble approach for someone who spent so much time as a teacher in the public schools.

Holt doesn't supply indexes or sources; he writes book length essays more than anything else. But he gives enough information (author/title) to enable me to track down the books he found inspiring and relevant. I'm picking them up as I go and will read them by and by.

Small, Meredith. Our Babies, Ourselves : Why We Raise Our Children the Way We Do. : Doubleday, 1998.

Small, Meredith. Kids : How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Raise Our Children. : Doubleday, 2001.

Meredith Small’s books are an anthropological look at childrearing based on ethnographic research. Both Eliot and Small are good scientists, good communicators and entranced mothers who somehow managed to put it all together in book form. They provide much-needed balance for all the prescriptive advice other books offer, not to mention all the less-organized but even more adamant and hard to ignore advice you’ll likely receive in person. Some of Eliot's information is a little out-of-date. Some of Small's historical information (and possibly her other data) is flat wrong, which is a bit unfortunate.

Philosophy

Taking Children Seriously is an extremely self-descriptive approach to child-rearing. On the surface, it looks like, in P.E.T. terms, Method III, with a fallback to Method II in the event of failing to find a mutually acceptable solution. However, this is missing how ambitious TCS really is. They don't just want a win-win; they want a best anyone can think of, so their fallback may be to a mutually acceptable solution that the parent just doesn't happen to like as well as some other one that the child doesn't happen to like as well. I do not know what I think about preferring the child's to the adult's in such a case. It isn't as if parent's are the only ones with power in a family, and to default to the child in the event of an need to choose because coercion is unethical suggests that parental power trumps all (which as a theory is profoundly disrespectful -- but only as a theory). The focus on iterative improvement and flexible commitment is particularly lovely.

Heywood, Colin. A History of Childhood. Malden, MA: Blackwell, 2001.

Matthews, Gareth B. Dialogues with Children. Cambridge, MA : Harvard University Press, 1984.

Matthews spent a year talking to the children at a music school in Edinburgh about philosophy. He wrote story-beginnings that posed philosophical ideas, and tape recorded the class discussions which ensued. Some he directed more than others. He is generally very respectful (the whole utilitarianism thing isn't a matter of disrespect for children; it's what happens when someone gets excited about an idea and can't let it go), although he is surprised a lot by what children do, which suggests that the respect is a conscious choice rather than a part of his inner self (this is not a complaint! Kudos to him for working so hard against society's push to the contrary). I think he missed some very promising avenues in his discussion of the grass-makes-cheese debate, but it's a niggling little point involving chemistry, and he may or may not even be aware of it.

Matthews, Gareth B. Philosophy and the Young Child. Cambridge, MA : Harvard University Press, .

I read Matthews' books in reverse order. His innate tendencies to not take children seriously are in full bloom here (John Holt did not notice probably because he was the same way) in that he persists in believing children are making jokes when all the evidence is that they are quite serious about their assertions.

Matthews, Gareth B. The Philosophy of Childhood. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1994.

Holt referred to one of this man's books. I was unsure whether there had been a retitle between editions; in the event, no. This one is about theories of childhood and child development. It's one of the best books I have ever read about any subject: short, clear, provocative, with a present but not intrusive authorial voice. Matthews asserts that children do engage in philosophy, which is also the subject of two of his other books, where he presents substantially more evidence in support of that assertion. But in this one, he analyzes theories of childhood (including Kohlberg's theory of morality and Piaget's famous experiments of conservation) and their implications for our view of and treatment of children. He specifically is not enamored of the idea of child development (maturational theories of childhood). While he recognizes some value in them (not expecting children to do things they cannot), he points out the huge bias (adulthood is better than childhood) inherent in the maturational philosophy. He also spends some time talking about children's understanding of death, and children's literature that talks about death. He explores issues involved in literature written for/consumed by children and art produced by children. And he talks about the extension of legal rights to children.

Baby Sign Language

We got the Garcia pack (Sign With Your Baby, a book, video and quick reference card), but I'm kind of backward when it comes to this, and have a lot of trouble making sense of the card. It's easier to see in the video, and when child care does it, I can spot the sign pretty easily. No evidence yet that the baby is recognizing any of this, but I'm not at all consistent about using it.

Heller, Lora. Baby Fingers: Teaching Your Baby to Sign. New York : Sterling, 2004.

A board book with some of the likely signs you'll want to use. I found it really easy to understand.

Parenting Magazines

Brain, Child isn't published very often, but it contains a lot of thoughtful non-fiction and a few fiction pieces about children, families and parenting. No particular political slant.

Mothering is crunchy parenting for affluent leftwing white folk, published out of Santa Fe (makes sense, doesn't it?). They like the word lactivist. I like them. I bet you aren't the least bit surprised. Non-fiction pieces include citations. Really, with numbers and enough info to track down the source. Just like a Real Academic Journal. Also some good book reviews and the rag is worth it just for the ads.

Parenting Books

Auerbach, Ph.D., Stevanne. Dr. Toy's Smart Play: How to Raise a Child with a High PQ* Play Quotient. New York : St. Martin's, 1998.

Cohen, Lawrence. Playful Parenting. New York : Ballantine, 2001.

Gottman, John, Ph.D. with Joan DeClaire. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. New York: Fireside Simon & Schuster, 1997.

Both supply detailed ideas for parenting in a way that helps children cope with their emotions, weak and strong, positive and negative, in a way that balances expression with avoiding harm to them or others. Gottman is quite verbal, but in a way that can work even with preverbal, or not particularly verbal, children. Cohen uses a lot of ideas from play therapy as general parenting, and therefore avoids the whole use words issue. Both are fantastic; I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York: Perennial Currents, 2004.

Every bit as good as one would hope from a title like that. Like Gottman (and I think Cohen, though I'm less sure there), Faber and Mazlish learned from Haim Ginott how to treat children with respect and avoid scratching their souls as we care for them. Lots of specific suggestions on what to say and what not to say. This is more about transactions , less about emotions and it is extremely verbally oriented, although occasionally their suggestions include using art to help small children express themselves. While these three books overlap, they work together very nicely to provide a coherent model of parenting that covers most ages fairly well. I'll let you know what I think about it in practice in a decade or so. ;-)

Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family. New York : Avon Books, 1990.

A friend loaned this to me, and I eventually picked up a copy of my own because it was so good. Faber and Mazlish write other books of a how-to variety. This is a fictionalized telling of the years they spent in a parenting group led by Haim Ginott. This is where Ginott/Faber/Mazlish most closely approach P.E.T. Major differences include an unwillingness to relinquish hierarchy and a willingness to inflict parental anger on children. The two are related. Ginott/Faber/Mazlish believe it is possible to directly express anger to children without doing damage, and a large chunk of the book is devoted to this idea and how it works in practice. The examples make clear that the anger often derives from the hierarchy: parents feel a need to serve and a right to power, and when these are infringed, they rightly get cranky. Ginott firmly believes that honest emotional interaction with children is too important to sacrifice in an attempt to cover up anger. I'm inclined to agree with that element, at least. P.E.T., by going one step further, does a more effective job of laying the beast of anger (at least at the kids) to rest.

They haven't made changes between 1974 and 1990 (and none since). The book is dated in numerous, obvious ways (stay-at-home mothers and work-out-of-the-home fathers who are only occasionally involved). There is one assumption of bottle feeding. This does not come up much, because this book is aimed at parents of older children.

These quibbles aside, this book is extremely worthwhile and I would argue important. It's rare to see such a clear depiction of the difficulty of taking a common parenting goal (I don't want to ever beat/yell at/punish my children) and actually following through. Faber/Mazlish are unflinching in depicting their failures as they are forced to dramatically change themselves in an effort to do right by their kids. Best of all, they are crystal clear on what does not work to raise children without violence: seemingly endless patience and strong will. Those just set you up for a harder fall.

Ginott, Dr. Haim G., Dr. Alice Ginott, and Dr. H. Wallace Goddard. Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication. New York : Three Rivers Press, 2003.

Faber/Mazlish, Cohen, Karp and Gottman all explicitly credit Ginott as inspiration, influence or mentor. His 1973 book has recently been updated by his wife and another doctor. It is still an excellent book about parenting, and would work well to help transition someone from a more traditional approach to a more caring approach. It is probably not particularly useful or necessary for someone who has already discovered those who have built upon this classic in the field.

Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children. New York : Three Rivers Press, 2000.

Gordon and Ginott are the two sources for a lot of more recent books that have been highly recommended to me, and which sound fairly reasonable. Gordon put together a program a few decades back, and taught classes in it, that was designed to reduce conflict between parents and children. It worked a lot better than was anticipated. Gordon's program involves defining who owns a problem, teaching active (and passive) listening and resolving problems by coming up with solutions that all stakeholders accept. The program itself is very simple; the book is a lot more complex because Gordon spends a lot of time selling the program by resort to many explanations based on his experiences teaching the classes. This is all very interesting stuff. I have a few problems with the book. While it is clear that Gordon himself does not believe adults should have and exert power over children (this book is all about reducing that if not eliminating it), in communicating to an audience which does, he says a lot of things that give me the heebies. He is also a formula-feeder, which shows up in a lot of examples, and irritates me. In part because of that, his perspective on parenting babies and toddlers is extremely limited. Finally, he is pro-independence, and as near as I can tell, he means it. He isn't just about autonomy support. He seems to actually think interdependence is a bad thing, and is forcefully pushing separation between everyone except possibly the married pair. That, I do not like.

Granju, Katie Allison with Betsy Kennedy, R.N., M.S.N.Attachment Parenting: Instinctive Care for Your Baby and Young Child. New York: Pocket Books, 1999.

Sears wrote the introduction for this thinner summary of a parenting style that is largely the result of rich white folks noticing that there's a better way to raise babies, and it's the way everyone else did it forever until we came along a hundred or so years ago and screwed it up with artificial feeding, cribs, baby containers and a generally detached parenting style. This isn't an awful introduction, but it isn't great either. She talks about cloth diapers, but not elimination communication/infant potty training/natural infant hygiene. She barely mentions the cross-cultural sources for this style of parenting, and her approach seems like it might be offputting for a lot of economic, ethnic and racial groups even in the US, much less outside the US. She doesn't appear to consider the possibility of men breastfeeding, nor does she mention relactation as a possible option for new attachment parents who have already been using formula to feed their baby. And while she talks a lot about following one's instincts, all of her very best resources book recommendations are how-to/advice books, not books that are collections of stories. A lot of this, to be fair, is an artifact of the 1999 publication. Hopefully Granju will update this with the newer resources. Other irritations include her price ranges on nursing bras (under $10 - $35 ha!), and her consistent use of she/her when discussing working attachment parents, or attachment parents that might consider not working outside the home, as if men might never make this choice.

Hunt, Jan. The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart. Gabriola Island, BC, Canada: New Society Publishers, 2001.

A collection of essays written by a very crunchy woman about caring for children, home schooling, unschooling, and related ideas. Interesting, and appealing, but lacking in specifics.

Karp, Harvey, M.D. The Happiest Baby on the Block. New York : Bantam, 2002.

Karp, Harvey, M.D. The Happiest Toddler on the Block. New York : Bantam, 2004.

The Happiest Baby on the Block
The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp, books and videos

Get all four. If you can afford to, get multiple copies and distribute widely. These have hugely helpful, detailed suggestions. The first is for really little babies, to about three months after due date. Karp collects swaddling, shushing, swinging, side, and sucking together as the calming reflex and explains how to deploy these techniques to calm a wailing newborn. And boy did they work, even when you can't get the wee one to breastfeed, which is otherwise my parenting panacea (if you think that can't work for you too, papa, read Fiona Giles. But if it creeps you out, Karp is your man).

The second is for 1-4 year olds and Teddy isn't that old yet, but my experience with other people's kids suggests this book is also a winner, and my friends who are parenting toddlers concur. Karp's idea of the kid-as-neanderthal, caveman, etc., recapitulating human development isn't quite as useful a gimmick as the calming reflex, but it has its charm. The detailed suggestions (playing the boob, swaps, ways to make kids feel powerful and give them choices without overwhelming them, whispering and gossiping, etc.) are as good as in the first book, and divided by which age will benefit from them most.

Kohn, Alfie. Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. New York : Atria, 2005.

I've been a fan of Kohn's for a long while. I started with No Contest (which I've kept over the last decade), and read most of his other published books, so this was familiar territory that was good to see applied to parenting. Like me, Kohn is disturbed by time-outs and other substitutes for spanking, and also disturbed by parenting techniques he calls love-withdrawal. That last is (as he acknowledges) extraordinarily effective, which could make it tempting, except it creeps me the hell out. He documents the extremely high costs of those techniques, which relieve me of any inclination get over that creeped out reaction.

Kohn connects attachment parenting (building the parent-child relationship) with intrinsic rewards (theory of motivation). Along the way he summarizes research on the efficacy of more punitive strategies (like spanking, time outs, etc.), and supplies a very limited amount of analysis on where punitive strategies come from and why people persist in using them. It would have been nice if Kohn had more specific positive ideas (he sure is specific about what's not a good idea), but his whole thing is about autonomy and people generating their own solutions, so that's perhaps a bit much to ask of him. He actually does have some excellent ideas about how to go from somewhat artificial, limited choices for kids to involving children in generating choices.

Margulis, Jennifer, ed. Toddler: Real-life Stories of Those Fickle, Irrational, Urgent, Tiny People We love. New York: Seal Press, 2003.

Like some of the best books about breastfeeding, this is not a book of advice. It is a collection of stories, each written by a parent (father or mother) about their toddler(s). Many of the stories have very pointed messages. The tone varies, but have been arranged to provide a smooth experience if read straight through; they are short, and would make great reading individually as well.

It was a little odd, realizing that one of the stories was a continuation of a pregnancy/childbirth/fresh baby story from The Bitch in the House. It was also odd realizing that husbands and wives contributed stories; also friends. It made for a pleasant sense of community.

Palmer, Linda Folden. Baby Matters: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Caring for Your Baby. Lancaster, OH: Lucky Press, 2001.

The author, a doctor of chiropractic and mother who tipped full on into teaching about childbirth and parenting, learned the hard way that a baby who is very allergic to dairy proteins can react to those proteins when they pass through mother's milk. Rather than shy away from the ugly stuff growing under that rock, she started turning over everything in sight to see what else the current U.S. standard of care is concealing. Essentially a summary of research in favor of attachment parenting, along with a summary of all the really bad stuff that can happen when you fail to avoid a food allergen, this one's worth reading whether you ever intend to have a baby of your own or not. It helped explain a lot about my childhood.

Rankin, Jane L. Parenting Experts: Their Advice, The Research, and Getting it Right. Westport, CT: Praeger, 2005.

I went looking for Bergin & Garvey's other books when I kept seeing them show up in this bibliography. That press was sold to Greenwood Publishing Group after the owners got involved with a strange organization. Greenwood owns Praeger, and Praeger had a lot of interesting titles, including this one. Glad I found them.

Unfortunately, a lot of research about parenting (like research in general), is heavily constrained by cultural beliefs. So while I like research and I like evidence-based approaches, I'm not prepared to go all the way over to that side, at least not until the sleep research gets better, and the attachment research is better integrated with the rest of parenting and there is any research to speak of about toileting strategies other than Brazelton's. I'm also quite disappointed with the coverage of the research on early toilet learning in this book. She does note that Brazelton did some of the research and wrote the best practice guidelines for the AAP so there is not the usual check on the research there; she does not mention that he is/was a spokescritter for a large disposable diaper manufacturer, which further compromises him. She further notes that there just is not very much research on potty training. She dismisses lower body nakedness as being unacceptable for potty learning, which pretty much makes most early toileting impossible.

That said, this book is a huge winner. Get it at the library and read it before you choose your child care bible. It does not cover all the child care bibles, but at least you'll know whether someone is completely conning you. This plus the cross-cultural perspective that can be found in Small's books and others and help you choose your parenting strategy effectively.

Rosenberg, Marshall B., Ph.D. Raising Children Compassionately : Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way. Encinitis, CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2005.

Skinny and superb. At 21 pages and about $6, kinda steep per page, but think of it instead as saving you all kinds of money on having to send the kid to boot camp later on or bail them out of jail. This short essay presents a form of perspective taking, the importance of everyone's needs being met through cooperative effort, and consensus decision making. It doesn't necessarily use those words. Great stuff. This is the one I'll buy copies of for everyone next Christmas.

Shure, Myrna B., Ph.D. and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo, M.Ed. Raising a Thinking Child: Help Your Young Child to Resolve Everyday Conflicts and Get Along with Others: The "I Can Problem Solve" Program. New York : Pocket Books, 1994.

Interpersonal Cognitive Problem Solving or I Can Problem Solve is self-descriptive. This book is ostensibly aimed at parents to help their children problem solve. In practice, anyone who sincerely attempts to follow the program will likely improve their own problem solving style as well. There are some flaws with the program and the book, but overall it is potentially very useful. The summaries on pages 167 and 176 (the principles of dialoging pages) I have no issues with. The specifics of the dialogues have some problems.

Sunderland, Margot. The Science of Parenting: How today's brain research can help you raise happy, emotionally balanced children. New York : Penguin Group (DK Publishing) 2006.

This clay-coat, textbook style merging of brain structure and brain development and parenting strategies supplies an urgent need in the effort to replace toxic parenting practices with strategies that support optimal human development.

The science is relatively good, although some of the cross-cultural evidence is misconstrued. Rwandan orphans didn't die just because they saw their parents murdered. Romanian orphans didn't fail to thrive just because they weren't touched. More was involved. One weakness in this book is perhaps inevitable given its author and audience. Far too much of the parental/societal agenda is left unquestioned. Another weakness could have been addressed. The detailed examples of parenting strategies were poor. For example, why withhold a DVD later (which a parent might well want the kid to watch to get a few moments to do something) for flinging food now? Disconnected in time; unrelated in every way; inconvenient to the parent. Far better to involve the kid in cleaning up the thrown food.

Also, any book which refers to Foster Cline's techniques is inherently suspicious.

Van Munching, Philip. Boys Will Put You On a Pedestal (So They Can Look Up Your Skirt). New York : Simon & Schuster, 2005.

A father's advice to his young daughters and anyone else's who might be interested. I saw him on Dr. Phil and liked him; his book does not disappoint. The advice is actually relatively gender independent (which one would expect from a thoughtful man writing for young women and girls) and his writing style is pleasantly personal.

Weinstein, Miriam. The Surprising Power of Family Meals: How Eating Together Makes Us Smarter, Stronger, Healthier and Happier. Hanover, NH : Steerforth Press, 2005.

This book was a disappointment. Weinstein is obsessed with everyone in the family sitting down together for an evening meal most days of the week, with everyone waiting until the rest are seated before eating, and no one leaving until the rest are done, with exceptions for small children who may ask to be excused earlier. She thinks that face-to-face time is crucial, and that conversations carried on side-by-side cannot be as intimate.

As the mother of a nursing toddler, I'm kinda tetchy on this subject. I think that a shared meal could just as well be breakfast as supper. I further think that the sitting down to eat it is relatively minor compared to the preparing it -- and cleaning up after it -- together part (and she notes repeatedly that she's always been the cook, and the rest of the family did cleanup). And none of that matters up against the time spent hanging out doing things (cooking or otherwise) and talking about our days. While I agree with her central thesis (families must spend regular, frequent, predictable times together, or the members of the family will suffer and the family-as-a-family will not exist), the details kept tripping me up. Also, her idea of research is risible. Calling Witold Rybczynski on the phone and asking what he thinks does not compel my belief. In fact, quite the contrary.

Discipline

There were a lot of reasons I wasn't sure whether I wanted to have children or not, but high on the list was straightforward. No way would I beat my kids the way my parents beat my sisters and me, the way Jehovah's Witnesses -- and countless other religious groups -- claim the Bible says it has to be done. Attachment Parenting offers some solutions; Haim Ginott and his followers offer more. But along the way, for myself as much as for our son, I've been reading about corporal punishment, and punishment in general (see Unconditional Parenting above, and Kohn's other books as well).

Brooks, Robert, Ph.D. and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D. Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope and Optimism in Your Child. New York : McGraw-Hill, 2001.

A pair of parent trainer/counselors/lecturers use the idea of resilience to support a parenting strategy. The important components of this strategy include: using empathy, identifying what problems are, identifying what has been tried that is not working, coming up with new strategies, recognizing that new strategies may not work, and more ideas may be needed, providing compliments and other positive strokes for children, recognizing that children differ individually, spending focussed one-on-one time with each child, understanding what baggage one has from the past that is limiting one's ability to show love in a helpful way. They advocate the use of a family meeting, in which children's agenda items are treated equally with those of the parents.

Brooks and Goldstein have obviously dealt with a lot of obstreperous and obtuse parents. They spend a lot of the book empathizing with this expected audience, which is a little different from Gordon's approach in P.E.T., but is clearly just a different strategy to deal with the same problem with the same goal in mind. This is, I think, a really great parenting book, although not one written with me in mind.

Clarke, Jean Illsley. Time-In: When Time-Out Doesn't Work. Seattle, WA : Parenting Press, 1999.

Based on a combination of Positive Parenting, Transactional Analysis and Bonding theories, which puts it roughly under the heading of Gentle Discipline. I find a lot of Positive Parenting tactics shocking. While nothing as bad as not reminding a kid about a forgotten lunch appears, a father attempting to get his eight year old to not leave his bicycle in the driveway verbally explores through Ask the consequences of a delivery van arriving in the driveway and running over the bicycle. As adults, we all know the delivery van has insurance and will fork over for a new bike, possibly requiring some pressure, which would nicely teach the child both about consequences (lost use of the bike for a few days/weeks until the money came through and a new bike was purchased) and Amends (delivery service must make amends for the damage). But dad decided instead to pretend the child would be on the hook to replace the bike, and dad would not drive him to a friends house when he had no bike, thus teaching that family members with more power are cruel and cannot be relied on to assist when bad things happen. IMO, dad should have said, son, I'm awful tired when I get home from work. I'd hate to drive over your bike. I'd take you to your friends, and we'd find a way to replace the bike, but you could help us avoid that hassle and pain -- and save the money for more fun things than a replacement bike -- by putting the bike where I'm less likely to run it over after a long day at work. This would have taught that his father would make amends if he harmed his son's possession, and taught the important lesson that we should all try to make our environment safe for when people are, understandably, tired, hungry and distracted. Just as parents recognize kids aren't always at their best, children can learn the same about their parents.

The approach in this book is claimed to work for any behavior for children ages one to twelve. In practice, they note the verbal stuff (most of it, other than Act) won't work well before three. They depict The Swap (with a sharp knife! Why was it lying there where a two-year-old could lay hands on it! Note: okay, my son has gotten hold of a somewhat sharp knife. He knows he isn't supposed to have it, and happily turns it over without The Swap. At 15 months), but only in passing. Few other toddler appropriate tools are suggested.

Another example given -- Mother cancels helping the children with Saturday morning chores and taking them to pick up Aunt Nancy at the airport because of an emergency at work. Mother does some chores the night before; the children are to do the rest Saturday morning. This does not strike me as fair. It obviously didn't strike the kids as fair. They took off to the park to see a clown and were late getting back. But while Mother never had to make amends for her actions, the children are required to clean up, put up a banner, etc. even though Aunt Nancy says she wasn't wrong. Mother thus coerces another adult as well. Wow.

Whatever happened to prior engagement? Sure, work may be more important in this particular instance, but the kids were not convinced, and they are old enough to have it explained to them if, indeed, it can be explained (it might not be possible -- look at all the workaholics out there who lose spouses and friends over similar behavior?). If I bail on a friend because of similar emergencies, I apologize and try to make it up to them. Why didn't Mother? When friends bail on me because something came up to distract them or was urgent, I don't require them to make amends to me. Broken promises do matter, but this example teaches that lesson in a very counterproductive way.

The weirdest example is the mother worried about her too bossy son, who she then proceeds to boss around about his social skills and gets some pushback. She consults with his preschool teacher (looking for an ally to exert still more pressure), who surprises her by saying the kid isn't bossy, and the other kids like the fact he emcees and makes for a good time all around -- in fact, the child is a leader. The take away from the example is: mother decides to help him tell other kids what to do in a kinder, gentler way. Uhhhhh. And this is a good thing? Mother shouldn't be teaching anyone social skills. She should go learn some herself.

There are some very useful snippets in this book. It is simply written, and points the reader at other books that deal with topics such as anger and child development in more useful detail. It explains fairly clearly how parental power is ineffective in some circumstances (don't thwart basic needs like hunger, need for sleep, allergies). It would probably be most useful to parents who believe their role is to use their power to shape their children. It is less useful for those parents who believe they are to help their children meet their needs and follow their dreams. It is not useful at all to parents who believe their children deserve the same respect one would accord adult friends and family members.

Clarke, Jean Illsley, Connie Dawson and David Bredehoft. How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children -- From Toddlers to Teens. New York : Marlowe and Co., 2004.

The title promises a lot and underdelivers. Clarke's work supplies much of the theoretical framework (Nurture/Structure Highway, Ages and Stages Developmental Framework), along with Transactional Analysis. The research is a series of questionaires asking a bunch of people about how they were parented. People who self-described as overindulged were then asked what that involved. The resulting definition of overindulgence includes several major components: failure to learn life skills, inappropriate prioritization within the family leading to a sense of entitlement that adult life has difficulty supporting, inconsistent limits leading to confusion about right/wrong/too much/enough/not enough, and being required to enjoy/use/express gratitude for things which were not useful, wanted or were actively bad for them. While these are all serious things, lumping them together under the word overindulgence does not contribute to a coherent presentation.

The book also suffers from a lot of anecdotes that are missing key details (age of children when it matters a lot), and which fail to account for important aspects of infant and childhood physiology. Because of the Transactional Analysis basis, Physical Needs are not recognized consistently, but instead often re-interpreted inappropriately as "recycling" past issues.

Central to the book is the Rule of Four (Is this interfering with developmental tasks? Are we giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children? Might this cause harm to kid, others, environment etc. Whose needs are being served by this?), which has limited utility. If applied strictly, virtually all of our culture would be unacceptable (causing harm...). Clarke's list of developmental tasks is very detailed, and her additions to the standard list are not well-supported by either my personal experience or research. The standard model has come in for serious questioning in the last decade or so as well, so it is difficult to apply the first element. The difficulty of applying the first element is seen clearly in that Clarke in more than one place in this book (and in her others) states that offering food (including the breast) to a baby based on what the baby looks like is overindulgence. This fails to recognize visual cues (rooting, open eyes/open mouth) and goes directly against current understanding of cue feeding. Similarly, Clarke believes that caregivers should not initiate play with a baby (also, old advice that is at odds with current understanding of attachment and bonding). Clarke subscribes to the idea of the smothering mother that was once used to attack parents who fostered attachment.

While Clarke pays lip service to the idea that infants deserve unconditional love and care, anyone older than an infant is supposed to earn what they get. Birthday parties are an ongoing unearned privilege (well, earned by being alive), but Clarke thinks that relighting the candles on a cake so a younger sibling can blow them out, or letting other kids rip the wrappings from a gift is over-nurturing. As one would expect, her comments on sibling rivalry are extremely limited and extremely unhelpful.

Clarke, Jean Illsley. Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children, 2nd ed. Center City, Minnesota : Hazelden, 1998.

Contains the Structure/Nurture Highway, the levels of Discounting, Clarke's Ages and Stages Developmental Framework, is based on Transactional Analysis. This second edition also includes a lot of the material that went into Clarke's book on overindulgence. A chapter is devoted to prenatal and birth experience and how they might influence an individual. Nothing is said about breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding, nor is anything said about location of sleep. Physical needs are consistently discounted (to use her term) and re-interpreted as recycling past needs. The primary needs in this system are from TA: stimulation, recognition and certainty.

Extremely verbal. Extremely "rational". Feelings are consistently discounted. Empathic responses are sometimes described very negatively. Black humor is not recognized as ever valuable in adult life; those who use it are assumed to be completely unaware they are doing so. This is bizarrely at odds with pyschoanalytical treatment of gallows/black humor as a mature means of dealing with negative emotions and impulses; repression is neurotic. Their idea of how to help someone is limited to the point of being offensive: Here is an example of a not-discounting, empowering response to "friend has to go back to work, but she's worried about suitable child care for her two-year-old...Find out what's available in your area. Ask friends for referrals and call your city or state social service agency for a list of places. Visit four or five and seee if the children seem to be well cared for. Find a licensed place that fits with your childrearing values.". Breathtaking! In fact, the empathic response, "parents everywhere are worrying about that" is described as "Discounts solvability of problem.". Got news for ya Clarke: for some people, at some price points, in some areas, the problem is not solvable. What if the friend had already tried that list of options, and every acceptable place was too expensive or had a waiting list? "Find the closest, cheapest place" is described as "discounts seriousness of problem". At least that answer might work.

This book is deeply troubling, as are all of Clarke's books. They are an effort to mitigate what I refer to as Detachment Parenting, and they likely would help some people. But they don't help enough, and many, many parents are already doing far better than this; listening to this advice would make matters worse for them.

Clarke, Jean Illsley. Self-Esteem: A Family Affair. Center City, Minnesota : Hazelden, 1998.

I think this has not been revised since its original 1978 publication, which would have been (between smoking and putting babies to sleep on their stomachs) an era with a lot more crib deaths. In at least one anecdote, parents are grieving from having lost an infant to crib death.

Based on Transactional Analysis, Clarke includes the idea of Strokes Banking.This is an alternative to the Cup of Attachment, and specific examples encourage people to accept strokes from others/everyone, rather than focus on getting them from the (smaller number of) people to whom they are attached. Individuals are responsible for their stroke bank account. The more strokes you have, the more you are likely to receive; people who are assertive about asking for strokes tend to get more strokes than those who are passive. This is an extremely individual-oriented, therapeutic perspective on attachment.

Stroke quotient decision theory is a complicated explanation assuming that infants and small children can think through a chain of logic; this theory is used instead of homeostasis to explain why individuals tend to look for situations that feel normal to them, and may try to turn (better) situations into ones that feel normal, even when that is worse for them.

Clarke recognizes the problem of saying too many nos to toddlers. She encourages the use of The Swap, but complicates it with a choice, in an effort to get two yeses for each no. The idea of two yeses (or five) is a good one. This isn't real, though. No, you cannot play with the knife, but you can play with me or the metal bowl is NOT two yeses, unless you prepared to play with the kid and the metal bowl. It is one yes, and a complicated one, which is not to the good.

Clarke is opposed to spanking (in this and all of her work that I have seen; it's one of the reasons I persist in reading her). In this book, spanking the kid has been replaced with spanking a substitute (a stool); sort of a Gestalt thing, IIRC. She does, however, believe in praise (celebration, catching them doing something good/right/desirable), and in ignoring attention seeking behavior. She is opposed to initiating play with an infant. A lot of these are based on older notions of appropriate care for children (Detachment Parenting/Scientific Motherhood, holdovers from Holt, Watson, etc.). The collective effect is to encourage mothers to pick up and hold their 6-18 month old while playing quietly by herself, because the kid needs the strokes, but you can't give them to the kid just when she's whining and clinging to your knee because that would reward negative behavior. You would think this kind of conclusion would send someone back to their original premises to rethink them, but no.

Clarke is consistently anti-democratic and insensitive to the needs of the individual who needs help. There are virtually no checks (in this book or any of the others) with the person in need of help to find out what they would consider helpful. Instead, the "nurturer" (whether parent, spouse, friend or other) is assumed to know what would be helpful and offer information or additional support -- but never to actually do something that the other person can do, unless you can tell that they need that currently.

Crary, Elizabeth. Pick Up Your Socks...and other skills growing children need! Seattle, WA : Parenting Press, 1990.

Crary, Elizabeth. Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don't Go Their Way. Seattle, WA : Parenting Press, 2003.

Just so you know, examples of "things don't go their way" in this book range from mama is dying, papa is emotionally unavailable because his wife is dying, five year old is living with grandma while his world falls apart and therapy is not considered to my sibling does not want to play catch with me because he's too tired after sports, but will play cards. These are not distinguished; the same tools are offered for all.

As with virtually all Parenting Press titles, children are expected to become relatively independent at a very early age (in this case, starting around 6 months, but definitely making progress by two years of age and if not doing well at 4 years of age, They Are Having Problems). In this particular book, that means staying calm and "managing" their emotions. While lip service is given to accepting emotions, the authorial stance is that focus should be brought back to positive emotions whenever possible. The goal state at all times is calm. Lip service is given to the idea that negative emotions such as fear might be a warning sign, but this idea is never treated seriously. The idea that comfort and soothing might come from another (even for a toddler) is treated as something to be gotten over at the earliest age possible. Parents who continue to help their children weather emotional storms are viewed as holding their children back from their natural development/inhibiting the development of independence.

Another point of calibration: what does it take to justify a hug for a teen or adult in this world? Death or other major disappointment. See page 42.

There are a variety of interesting techniques (shaking it out, self-holding, physical activity, deep breathing, detachment/dissociation) which are included to help parents stay calm, and for them to teach to their children to stay calm. I disagree with the goal of always-calm. I disagree that it is impossible to learn while in the midst of an emotional storm (it just won't be the same kind of learning as while one is calm, but there's a lot to be said for emotionally powerful learning, and not nearly as much to be said for intellectuallizing as these people seem to think). I expect there are other, better sources for these techniques.

Examples of misleading quotes typical of Parenting Press titles: Dr. Sears is referenced to support the idea that a 6 to 9 month old may start to self-soothe. Gavin de Becker is mentioned in the bibliography; I'm confident he is the source of the single sentence caution about "managing" fear, rather than getting out of a dangerous situation. While Goleman's work is mentioned, the major quote from it serves primarily to terrorize parents that they must teach their children how to manage their emotions, or they'll grow up to flunk out of school and become criminals. Goleman's approach has little in common with what this book -- or anything I've seen yet from Parenting Press -- advocates.

While mention is made that suppressing emotions can lead to addiction and other major life problems, no awareness is shown in the text that they are teaching suppression mechanisms (dissociation). Worse, food, exercise, drinking (water) and cleaning/organizing are both advocated as ways to help stay calm, or become calm again during a frustrating situation. No awareness of substitution issues is shown in this text (or any other Parenting Press title I've seen so far).

There is something bizarre about reading a book that teaches, in detail, how to be the kind of apparently successful, brutally unhappy, self-destructive person I used to be. It's taken me over a decade to recover. Don't do this to your children.

Deci, Edward L. with Richard Flaste. Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation. New York: Penguin, 1996.

In this evidence based (quantitative social science) discussion of human motivation Deci muses about his work, mostly with adults, to an audience assumed to be made up primarily of educators and managers. A section of it is specific to a family context and a small fraction involves children. He reviews work he has been involved in and relevant work by others in his field and a little relevant work from other fields (notably studies of battering and other family violence). Deci's interventions for research are not "clean". Even he notices that sometimes he got a weird result and a followup experiment that was designed better changed the outcomes. He primarily advocates autonomy support. He spends a lot of time investigating and speculating about how people move from passivity and acting-out to self-motivation, and what influences can make that transition more or less difficult. Anyone with a very attached approach to child care who has taken care of a child who otherwise lives with very controlling adults knows exactly what he means by people who "pull" control.

Gray, John, Ph.D. Children Are From Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident and Compassionate Children. New York: HarperCollins, 1999.

Greene, Ph.D., Ross W. The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. New York: Quill/HarperCollins, 2001.

I bought two books on parenting children who are easily frustrated before we started trying to get pregnant. I recognized that I have trouble managing frustration, and that while I do okay while I am alone (mostly because no one notices I'm screaming in rage at not being able to figure something out when I'm by myself), and when I'm around people who can respond to my frustration in a supportive way, some people, while well-meaning, just fuel my rage. Which struck me as a big problem both in me, and in any child of mine, who might likely exhibit the same tendencies. I got rid of the other book as patronizing and useless (it made me cranky just reading it), but this one I liked a lot.

Greene covers a lot of the diagnoses that might be made of an explosive child, and what kinds of problems can contribute to difficulty tolerating frustration (or being so frustrated all the time no one could tolerate it). He then lays out a simple strategy for parenting any such children. Part of it is about picking battles (no point pursuing something that will lead to a meltdown, if it isn't important enough to justify the meltdown, but you have to ensure safety for everyone, even if it leads to a tantrum). Part of it is what I would now call perspective taking. A large chunk of it is recognizing what is developmentally appropriate for an individual child, regardless of age (we don't all make it to those milestones at the same age). But the best part is about creating an environment for the kid that causes less frustration. Really neat stuff. I think with attached parenting, this book is wholly unnecessary, because with this kind of child, you wouldn't go so far down a bad path before making adjustments. But if you wind up in this space, these ideas could be very helpful.

Greven, Philip. Spare the Child: The Religious Roots of Punishment and the Psychological Impact of Physical Abuse. New York: Vintage, 1992.

Greven is a deeply religious man who was and is deeply troubled by the way Protestants in America discipline their children. He found Alice Miller's work and more or less created an equivalent historical work for Protestantism in America. He draws connections everywhere. The cycle of abuse includes corporal punishment, even in its more occasional and milder forms. He connects sadomasochism to corporal punishment of children. He believes authoritarianism grows in the fertile ground provided by beating children too young to remember ever having had a will of their own. Depression, obsessive compulsive disorders and dissociative states are all methods of coping with being forced to accept another's will in place of one's own self. And most interesting, apocalyptic thinking and a sense of impending doom are connected as well. These are fascinating ideas, supported in some cases better than others, but Greven's argument is one I find compelling, and extremely insightful.

Grolnick, Wendy S. The Psychology of Parental Control: How Well-Meant Parenting Backfires. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2003.

Another in the Kohn/Deci constellation of thinking about parenting strategies, Grolnick advocates autonomy support, with chapters on sports, academics. She supplies a theory and a body of evidence in favor of reducing control over children. She recognizes this is not compatible with our-world-the-way-it-is, and so introduces the concept of structure to put a limit to that reduction of control. Fitzenreiter, and the rest of the unschoolers, are a lot more coherent, because they're willing to accept the implicit change-the-world message in studying human motivation. But Grolnick is a big step in the right direction.

Hyman, Irwin A. The Case Against Spanking: How to Discipline Your Child Without Hitting. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1997.

Hyman self-identifies in the first sentence as an advocate against spanking (which the subtitle makes clear), rather than neutral on this still-hot-parenting-topic. While Hyman's more famous work is on corporal punishment in schools, he worked with troubled kids, and what he saw traced back to the home environment as well. He provides some assessment tools (viz. quizzes) to help parents understand how punitive they are reflexively. He advocates a rewards/punishments system instead of corporal punishment. He describes (with some cautionary paragraphs) therapeutic holding, which in general, I am leary of, altho I understand it might at times be justifiable. He advocates family councils. He uses the therapeutic relationship as a parenting model, which I think is at least slightly misguided, altho better than what he is attempting to put an end to. He spends some time describing what other countries have done and what we might contemplate here. In general, I think Murray Straus' work is more useful in understanding the problems of spanking and likely-to-be-effective activist advice. For understanding the religious roots, I'd go to Greven. For parenting advice, I'd recommend P.E.T. and similar. This book does a so-so all-in-one job..

Miller, Alice. The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting. New York : W.W. Norton & Co., 2005.

Miller, Alice. For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence. New York : Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1990.

Miller, Alice. Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society's Betrayal of the Child. New York : Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1998.

Summary

Pieper, Martha Heindeman and William J. Smart Love: The Compassionate Alternative to Discipline That Will Make You a Better Parent and Your Child a Better Person. Boston : The Harvard Common Press, 1999.

Summary

Straus, Murray A. with Denise A. Donnelly. Beating the Devil Out of Them: Corporal Punishment in American Families and its Effects on Children. New Brunswick, NJ : Transaction Publishers, 2001.

Ending corporal punishment by demonstrating that (a) it does not work (b) other techniques work as well in the immediate term and better in the long term and (c) has horrible lasting effects is Straus' life work. He's done quite a lot of research himself on the subject, with a variety of assistants; he's at UNH and has a stable of students working with him on the subject. Some of the studies have been cross-cultural. Some have been prospective. He's also picked thru other people's work on the topic, and extracted data from other large studies that can be re-analyzed in this context. His conclusions are well-aligned with Greven's.

In addition to the basic social science research and interpretation, Straus has some specific recommendations aimed at people looking to use this information to effect social change. He describes what a variety of parenting and child advocacy organizations are already doing, and points out some strategies for child development experts and parent educators (who it's clear he feels should be stepping up to the plate). While he draws information from other countries (notably Sweden), he is quite conservative about how they should and should not be applied here.

There are some really startling results here (the one I hadn't ever seen was the cognitive effects of spanking toddlers) as well as the usual (spanking kids results in aggression, violence, depression, crime, delinquency, drug use, wife beating, lower earning power, masochistic sex, etc.).

Mothers Movement is a fantastic news and resources (and activism) site and organization. They are My People. It took me a long time, but I eventually stumbled across them. I cannot recommend them to you highly enough.

Black, Kathryn. Mothering without a map: The Search for the Good Mother Within. New York: Penguin, 2004.

Black used her own experience, and the experiences of many other women who, as children, were abandoned by their mothers. Some had mothers who died. Others were literally abandoned. Others were emotionally abandoned by a mother who was still physically present. The women have in common the desire to replace their missing or unacceptable models for mothering. I believe she underestimates the healing power of learning from one's friends and extended family -- most of my parenting directly or indirectly comes from seeing my much beloved cousins, my martial arts instructor and his wife, and my many, many good friends in action as parents. Nevertheless, this was an extremely encouraging book to read. It did not give me the details of how I wanted to parent, or mother, my boy, but it did encourage me that I was moving in the right direction.

Buchanan, Andrea J. Mother Shock: Tales from the First Year and Beyond: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It. Emeryville, CA: Seal Press, 2003.

Yet another book about how no one writes books about what a shock it is to become a mother or a parent. She was a concert pianist, and then telecommuted working on programs and so forth for a concert hall. Her husband was formerly in finance and then a medical student. She had one daughter and a son on the way while writing this. Like many first time parents, she foolishly believed that the shock at the first kid was huge and that it wouldn't be such a big deal with number two. I am suspicious of this sort of assumption. I figure the difference between kid six and seven is probably minimal, but anything before that I hesitate to generalize about.

In any event, she was another one who had hellish problems with breastfeeding and so is very sensitive to the politics involved. She concludes with compassion, which I appreciate. She explains the day-to-day of her parenting style effectively. I had not previously understood what a large number of women were bringing their under 2 year olds to science museums. I still find the idea more than a little mystifying, but it's nice to understand that it's more that it is a known kid-friendly environment to meet other mothers and stroller around. Readable, and largely inoffensive.

Note from some months later: I have since been to Seattle's Pacific Science Center which has turned into something very like what she describes (it did not used to be nearly so toddler oriented). Teddy (at age seven and a half months) had a fine time looking at butterflies (the purpose of our visit), playing with water wheels (a nice surprise) and picking up a hermit crab. His papa and I had a great time playing with bubbles, using him as audience to excuse ourselves. Teddy's grandma turned out to have brought bubbles with her as well, which were a great deal of fun back at home.

Crittenden, Ann. The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World Is Still the Least Valued . : Metropolitan Books, 2001.

In this wonderfully researched, well-reasoned look at the economics of child-raising in the US These Days, Crittenden presents well-thought out ideas on how to reduce the negative economic impact on mothers (compared to fathers, and both compared to determined life-time singles) and a cogent argument for why raising kids can't be compared to other optional lifestyle activities (like, say, having a beagle, which won't be around to pay into Social Security or otherwise support us in our doddering old age). Best of all, she recognizes that while this can be solved by collective action through government, there are some major obstacles to doing so, notably a lack of solidarity among women (mothers and others) and a lack of solidarity among parents. She even addresses some of the class and race issues. Amazing stuff. Highly recommended. I don't agree with everything she says, but it's all worth thinking about.

Crittenden, Ann. If You've Raised Kids, You Can Manage Anything. New York : Gotham, 2005.

An odd mix of business, parenting and self-help books, Crittenden's simple and uncontroversial thesis (that the same strategies that work well at home work well in management) is not well served by many of the examples chosen. Notably, her use of women at DEC in the 1980s and 1990s being tracked into management is a far better example of sexism and discrimination (the best jobs at that company at that time, in terms of compensation, prestige, future opportunities, etc. were on the technical track, not the technical management track, which is where women were shunted consistently) than it is that mothers are better managers than men.

The text moves somewhat unevenly between Ginott/Faber/Mazlish style parenting and humanistic/supportive management styles and generic How to Be a Mom at Work stories. Crittenden's relatively unreflective support of the Supermom ideal and women sacrificing themselves for their family/children/good of the team is cringe-inducing at best and often completely incomprehensible. Concluding the book with resume advice does wrap all the threads of the book up nicely, but unfortunately also tends to wedge this volume firmly in the Bad Old Days.

Douglas, Susan J. and Meredith W. Michaels. The Mommy Myth: the idealization of motherhood and how it has undermined women. New York: Free Press, 2004.

This snarky media analysis covers the last thirty years. I see the trends they identify as lasting over a much larger period of time, and I don't think much of putting such an emphasis on broadcast TV and ignoring print and other media. That said, their overall analysis is largely on-target. Their proposed response is hardly earthshaking, but getting the word out is a good thing.

Kahn, Robbie Pfeufer. Bearing Meaning: The Language of Birth. Urbana : University of Illinois Press, 1995.

This author, like Jane Lazarre (and of course many others), wanted Natural Childbirth (oh what different things this phrase has meant over the decades). While Jewish, like Lazarre, her background was not radical and her orientation not explicitly feminist until much later. But both struggle to reconcile boundary-free motherhood with the much more individuated conception of adulthood. It's a struggle for both, and the process shoves Robbie very far along the path that Jane started out on. This Robbie, like Robbie Davis-Floyd, is interested in using a cross-cultural/anthropological perspective to make sense of the non-sense surrounding birth in America. She also places the treatment of birth and motherhood in a patriarchal context and explores that history as well. Throughout, her work with the Boston Women's Health Collective, and her experiences with her own son braid the academic material with very personal detail. Uneven, but worth reading. Neither the ideas nor the writing style are as opaque as they appear at first glance.

Lazarre, Jane. The Mother Knot. New York : McGraw-Hill, 1976.

In this fictional but fascinating slice of history, our heroine (a Jewish feminist, married to a black law student at Yale, daughter of an organizer for the communist party and a businesswoman who died when our heroine was but a girl) navigates a complex psychosocial landscape in New Haven and New York in the late 60s as she has two children and struggles to establish herself as an author without completely losing herself in her marriage and the demands of motherhood. She's an anxious young woman, articulate and volatile. Best of all, she includes a lot of gossipy bits about what other mothers around her are going through at the same time.

Maushart, Susan. The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Our Lives and Why We Never Talk About It. New York: Penguin, 2000.

Maushart was difficult for me to read for several reasons. First, she quotes Freud and appears to take him seriously, which is a nonstarter for me. Second, she complained a lot about what I would regard (objectively) as a more or less perfect birth experience. Third, like a number of other authors, she seems to believe that privileged white women who have high expectations have a harder time adapting to motherhood that everyone else. This strikes me as right up there with, oh, those poor starving people are used to not having enough to eat. It would be much harder for me to deal with those situations. Sure it would. Belsky commits the same error, with a lot of data to help make this very bogus case.

Maushart, however, surely represents a lot of women out there, and she does an excellent job of describing the mental and emotional trappings that lead to gatekeeping that further trap women in inequitable family situations. In her conclusion, she agrees with Shields that 2 30 hour/week jobs are probably the most fair way to handle child rearing, but along the way she describes in exhausting and exhaustive detail why a lot of women don't want to do the negotiation work that is involved in getting to that solution. It's worth a read, either because she'll be a revelation, an author who completely gets you, or she'll be a revelation, an author who explains what the hell some of those other mothers are thinking.

Shields, Julie. How to Avoid the Mommy Trap : A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making It Work. Herndon, VA: Capital Books, 2002.

Shields, a parental leave activist, is writing primarily to affluent white folk in partnerships where both work prior to having a baby, but she does include some commentary on the less well-off. While she is actively involved in advocating policy changes, this particular book is aimed at helping women negotiate better solutions for their families. She's a big fan of getting dad to cut back on hours, step up to the plate around the house and with the wee one. Her attitude is that given how few women breastfeed exclusively beyond a few weeks/months, that's no excuse or even explanation for the disparate commitment to children. While men have improved over their fathers and grandfathers, they can make significant changes quickly if it occurs to them to do so. Shields is here to help get that lightbulb to go off for more families. And she even includes some gay male couples in her stories. Great book; far better than the title would suggest.

Vincent, Peggy. Babycatcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife. : Scribner, 2002.

Peggy Vincent tells her own birth stories and those of many of the women whose births she attended, as a student nurse, labor nurse and certified nurse-midwife. She had a private practice in Berkeley, CA, during some pretty entertaining years. Her supportive family plays a strong role in her work, which connected her tightly to her larger community in turn. The wide range of possible strategies for dealing with childbirth unmediated by pain medication is given a vivid series of very human, very womanly faces. It's nice to see that while Vincent clearly preferred some clients over others, she found ways to work with even some who drove her batty and is both honest and articulate enough to portray well the adjustments they required of her.

Wolf, Naomi. Misconceptions: Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood. : Doubleday, 2001.

Some mothers are harder to read than other mothers, and Wolf, particularly in the beginning of this book, was very difficult for me to listen to. She's a well-educated, brilliant woman, politically active -- and yet so incredibly naive and ill-informed. Fortunately, the process of giving birth to two children, and raising them with her husband did open her eyes somewhat, if somewhat belatedly. She is articulate, and she is willing to propose specific solutions that have the potential to help more people than just herself. She honestly depicts her struggle to change from a politically active woman who fully bought into an extremely masculine idea of individuality to a more whole person capable of negotiating conflicting needs of her own, her childrens, her friends, her partner. I may not much like her before or after, and I might wish that she'd gone a bit further, and realized that a lot of her troubles sprang from her extremely limited set of options within her extremely limited social circle, but this is a useful book, particularly since she is not satisfied with a personal solution, but would like to solve the systemic problems her experience brought to her attention.

Homeschooling

Guterson, David. Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense. New York : Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1992.

Yes, that David Guterson. I did not realize this when I picked it up at the local town library in Brookline, NH. I just thought it looked interesting. I also did not realize it was a book frequently recommended to one of my closest friends by her midwife. I knew the midwife had tandem breastfed her kids for a very extended time and had homeschooled a large brood with her husband. She's my model for exactly-what-I-would-do if I could just become that crazy-determined.

Because it is written by that David Guterson, it is stunningly well-written; you aren't likely to find a better written non-fiction work on any subject, anywhere. Guterson is a school teacher, which might seem anomalous for a homeschooler. This is a profoundly personal book. He talks a lot about his friends, his wife, his children, his father, his colleagues and those people who grill him at parties and elsewhere about his choice to homeschool. These details are not asides; they are ruthlessly to the point. For example: his lawyer father has been involved in numerous cases defending homeschoolers. His father is called in to class to explain the legal issues involved when the class has been assigned a paper pro or con on whether people should be allowed to homeschool. Papa doesn't think people should homeschool, which adds a nice twist.

Guterson also includes some information about the history of public schooling (enough to get one started on a reading program on the subject) and attempts to measure the effectiveness of homeschooling compared to public schooling.

The last chunk of the book goes slightly over-the-top in a paean to hyper-involved parenting, and getting one's joy from one's family. But only slightly. The book as a whole is worth reading for anyone, whether they ever have children themselves or not, whether those children are grown or as yet unborn. It's a joy to read, and the issues are matters of public policy, and the basis for a big chunk of our taxes.

Unschooling

Fitzenreiter, Valerie. The Unprocessed Child. Lake Charles, LA: Unbounded Publications, 2003.

Fitzenreiter weaves a coherent description of unschooling through her description of her unschooled daughter Laurie, who ultimately went to college without bothering to get a GED first, in a particularly nice bit of credential evasion. Neill's book about Summerhill, given to her by a sister-in-law while pregnant, got her started and as near as I can tell she never once looked back. She describes how family, friends and random strangers reacted; how Laurie eventually learned math; Laurie's adventures with computers; Laurie's dating history. Laurie's review of mom's book can be seen on Amazon. They both seem like wonderful, sensible people, who happened to do things in a very, very different way. Inspiring.

Griffith, Mary. The Unschooling Handbook: How to Use the Whole World as Your Child's Classroom. New York : Three Rivers Press, 1998.

Full of appealing stories of how other families have unschooled (child-led learning, no curriculum) and why, interspersed with practical information about how to learn the legal ramifications where one lives, and where to find useful resources to help you and your children learn.

The Economics of Parenting

See also The Two-Income Trap and The Price of Motherhood above.

Barnett, Roslyn C. and Caryl Rivers. She Works/He Works: How Two-Income Families Are Happy, Healthy, and Thriving. New York : HarperCollins, 1996.

I read this when it first came out and have not reread it. It was encouraging to read about all the studies that showed that children did not suffer when both parents worked, but in fact sometimes thrived better than when an unhappy parent was staying in the home. As the Warrens note, there are some flies in the ointment.

Folbre, Nancy. Who Pays for the Kids? Gender and the structures of constraint. New York : Routledge, 1994.

Generally speaking, economists approach the world with a hierarchical set of allegiances. They might be capitalist, or socialist, or feminist or otherwise be trying to decrease inequities of a particular sort (racial/colonial/etc.). The first chunk of this book describes a theoretical approach (structures of constraint) that avoids the idea of hierarchy, and captures more of how people's allegiances, loyalties and group identification shift over time, and how that affects their economic choices. I don't agree with everything she says, but it's a relatively elegant solution. The second chunk of the book describes how various world regions have approached the costs of reproduction, why and with what effects. Crittenden cites her a lot, and I think Crittenden is clearer both in idea and in expression. Folbre's program for change at the end is breathtakingly clear and strong. I don't know that I've ever read a book I found so frustrating throughout in its analysis (while still respecting the analysis), only to fall completely in love with the author's proposal for change at the end (which is usually the weakest part of these kinds of books).

Warren, Elizabeth and Tyagi, Amelia Warren. All Your Worth: the Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan. New York : Free Press, 2005.

After writing their excellent analysis of why two-income families declare bankruptcy, the Warrens decided to come up with useful advice on how to avoid becoming one of them. Clearly, telling people not to get very ill or lose their job was not helpful advice -- people have always gotten very ill or lost their jobs, but it wasn't quite so catastrophic for the middle-class in the middle of the 20th century. They turned their attention to what changed and this time, suggested what canny individuals can do to avoid being suckered in our increasingly predatorial financial climate.

Their approach is breathtakingly simple: spend half of your income on must-haves (defined a little differently than I've seen before), save 20% and the remaining 30% you can do anything you want to with, as long as it doesn't involve an ongoing financial commitment (which would put it into the must-haves). They have a section on exceptions, and a big chunk devoted to getting out of debt and staying out of debt. A lot of the readership is going to be very pissed off to hear that it is just too unsafe to buy their way into a particularly desirable school district (for example). That's hardly the Warrens fault.

Warren, Elizabeth and Tyagi, Amelia Warren. The Two-Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Mothers and Fathers are Going Broke (With Surprising Solutions that will Change our Children's Futures). New York : Basic Books, 2003.

This mother-and-daughter pair of mothers and economics powerhouses expand on the economic issues touched on by Wolf and developed by Crittenden. They analyzed bankruptcies in the US and concluded that there were some systemic problems that will require collective, regulatory action to correct. Their solutions (regulate the interest rates that lenders are allowed to charge to put an end to predatory lending practices whether as mortgages or credit cards or payday loans; institute full-subsidy vouchers to put a stop to spiralling house prices in school districts with good reputations; make social security disability kick in after weeks instead of months, and cover things the person may recover from in a year) are not even mentioned by Crittenden or Wolf. And that's the problem. A lot of families are just barely making it by working as hard as they can; when any sort of disaster, never mind two or three in a row (like job loss, illness and divorce), strike, they have no way to recover other than bankruptcy, and even that is less and less effective. They have some interesting advice on what can be done by individual families before the larger solutions are in place, but correctly emphasize the need for regulatory changes. The authors refer to Barnett and Rivers She Works, He Works repeatedly, a book I greatly enjoyed for its positive perspective on both parents working. Unfortunately, Barnett and Rivers probably painted an overly optimistic perspective of the economics of two-earner families. Nowhere are these women suggesting turning back the clock; the goal is only to replace the missing safety net for the middle-class.

Relationship

This is a catch-all for books about marriages, partnerships, coparenting, etc., including how to negotiate differences of opinion and how to sustain a romantic relationship in the face of all this kiddie stuff.

Chethik, Neil. VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2006.

Chethik found a whole lot of married men and asked them a whole lot of questions about their marriages. He then presents the married lifecycle in several stages (honeymoon, child-raising, empty nest and mature). He recognizes that age isn't everything; cohort matters. He has specific chapters about hot topics (money, life/work balance, sex, inlaws, stepchildren). He notes the importance of a man's relationship with his father in determining his happiness in married life. He has a chapter aimed at women who want to change their husbands; unlike many, he does not blanketly condemn this activity, and provides some interesting insight on what works and what the men think of it. He includes advice from the men he interviewed to men considering marriage (and to other men already married) and he concludes with a discussion of the "male" style of doing marriage, loving, communicating, etc.

It could have been a really horrible book. In fact, it is highly readable. He ties together his own personal experience, the results of his interviews, a lot of marriage counselor ideas and some other research. I'm pleased that this book exists and look forward to reading some of the books he references.

Coleman, Joshua, Ph.D. The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework. New York: St. Martin's Press, 2005.

It is difficult to convey just how good this book is. Shield's The Mommy Trap is a good book with an unfortunate title. This book is so stunningly excellent, it would survive an even worse title. Coleman has read a whole lot about the transition to parenthood, counselled a lot of couples dealing with these problems, and incorporates his own learning experience in the capable hands of his wife to explain, in unrelenting, relevant, compelling detail, why women get so mad at men after the arrival of children. That would be worthwhile. But he goes further: he supplies useful, detailed suggestions for converting that rage into assertive communication and action that help women get their needs acknowledged and met. He recognizes it is unfair that women bear a disproportionate amount of the work of making a relationship work, and he includes a chapter for men at the end to help motivate them. But he also recognizes that the current deal is better for men than it is for women, and the men think they are doing really well (they are, compared to their fathers), so the market is the women.

While one might expect this to be a book that vilifies men, and encourages wives and mothers to nag or manipulate them into doing more, most of the book is devoted to helping the audience (women) understand why they find it so incredibly difficult to feel their own needs are important, articulate their needs and insist their family help meet those needs. He discusses gender ideology, abusive childhoods, increased economic dependence, the impact of the hormones of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding and many more.

Get this book. Read this book. Urge others to do the same. It is not perfect, but it is the best I've seen so far on this extremely important, extremely under-discussed subject.

Coontz, Stephanie. Marriage: a History. New York: Viking, 2005.

Coontz's best work yet. I love it when a competent sociologist becomes a passable historian. It's like watching someone move from frozen dinners to scratch cooking. Her argument this time around is that while recognized adult family ties with not-necessarily-blood relatives have gone through just about every permutation imaginable, with and without reproduction, legal or church regulation, etc., we've been devising something quite new for the last two or three centuries and it is incredibly unstable, but probably not reversible. She even has some ideas about where we are headed. While she doesn't attempt to give advice, she does a nice job of pointing out why a lot of what can be found in advice books on how to catch-and-keep-a-whatever no longer is true. A side effect of this book was to increase my skepticism of marriage counseling (despite which, I continue to believe in Gottman's work).

Gottman, John M., Ph.D. and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999.

I read this several years ago. This is the book that got me to be enough better behaved a person in a relationship, so I quit chasing the people I lived with into complete shutdown. This was really important. I wouldn't be married, and I wouldn't have a baby, if I hadn't found this book. Really excellent, simple, behave-your-way-to-a-better-place advice, evidence based and clearly presented. I recommend this one to everyone who holds still long enough to listen (and I chase down some of the others).

Hanauer, Cathi, ed. The Bitch in the House. New York: HarperCollins Perennial, 2003.

Hanauer went through what most working mothers go through when they have kids, and she went online to complain. There she found a lot of other working mothers going through the same thing and, because she's a writer, she recruited a bunch of them to write pieces for this collection. In the course of doing so, she (if not those who contributed) started to transition from seeing this as a purely personal problem (probably with her husband) and started to recognize the universality of the problem in our current way of organizing work/life/reproduction/society. But this book isn't about the politics, or what collective or governmental action might be able to do to mitigate the stresses of having children and jobs and mortgages and marriages. This book is about what it's like day to day, and how individual women interpret their experience and navigate the treacherous terrain of life with inadequate sleep and other resources. I could not read this kind of book before I had my baby. For whatever reason, the massively hormonal postpartum period has put me in a headspace where I find these women interesting, rather than irritating, and compassion is more accessible, even while I'm thinking we should all be voting to change this horrific state of affairs.

Hendrix, Harville. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. New York : HarperPerennial, 1990.

Hendrix, Harville and Helen Hunt. Giving the Love That Heals: A Guide for Parents. New York : Pocket Books, 1997.

Summary of books by Hendrix.

Jones, Daniel, ed. The Bastard on the Couch: 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explain Their Feelings About Love, Loss, Fatherhood, and Freedom. New York : HarperCollins, 2004.

This follow-on to The Bitch in the House, edited by Hanauer's husband, is a revelation. While the authors are all. . . authors, which means they aren't precisely typical men, diversity is otherwise good: the men represent a range of age, race, geographical location (although all within the US, if I recall correctly), marital and family status. Like Bitch, I doubt I would have felt the same way about this book before having my own child. Having children is hard on everyone: the lack of sleep, free time, time for relationships, time to work, but most of all, the tension that leads to rigidity and makes us all a little too likely to snap at each other. These men show admirable insight.

Society's Treatment of Parenting/Children

Anderegg, David, Ph.D.. Nerds: Who They Are and Why We Need More of Them. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, 2007.

Anderegg's idiosyncratic definition of nerds and unwillingness to include discrimination against nerds and bullying of nerds by other children and adults under the general heading of power relationships seriously reduces the relevance and utility of this book. His primary sympathy lies with people who when confronted with age-peer pressure to not-be-nerdy/geeky either conceal or stamp out their own technical abilities. They later regret this as it negatively affects their long term earning power in our society. This may be useful to parents of children who fall into this group. We're basically unremittingly geeky, and perfectly happy to set up our ranking system against whatever is out there -- and opt out of age peer schooling if necessary to make it stick. That said, if our son wants to conform, we'll find a way to make sure it doesn't limit his future options. And it will be based on strategies more detailed and further reaching than anything Anderegg has to offer.

Blades, Joan and Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner. The Motherhood Manifesto: What America's Moms Want -- and What to Do About It. New York : Nation Books, 2006.

Blades (co-founder of MoveOn.Org) and Rowe-Finkbeiner present a clear set of near-term political goals intended to substantively and quickly improve the lot of children and families (especially mothers) in the United States. Obviously, paid parental leave, equal pay for equal work, living wage, universal health care for children, affordable, good child care and so forth play an important part. The book is extremely clear in presenting its ideas, including personal stories and some statistics to back up their proposals. This is neither a parenting book nor a self-help book; this is a call to collective action. Let's hope people are listening in all the upcoming elections; it is encouraging that already since publication, the minimum wage has been raised..

Rodham Clinton, Hillary. It Takes a Village and Other Lessons Children Teach Us. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1996.

Greenspan, Stanley and Jacqueline Salmon. The Four-Thirds Solution: Solving the Child-Care Crisis in America Today. Cambridge, MA: Perseus, 2001.

Hewlett, Sylvia Ann and Cornel West. The War Against Parents: What We Can Do for America's Beleaguered Moms and Dads. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1998.

Primates

De Waal, Frans. Our Inner Ape: A Leading Primatologist Explains Why We Are Who We Are. New York : Penguin, 2005.

De Waal has spent a lot of time with chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas and so forth. And he's Dutch, so his perspective on human relationships is quite different from ours, while having a comprehensive understanding of English and American culture. His thesis is simple: none of the primates are simple, biologically programmed animals. We all have culture, and that culture adapts quite rapidly over time both to changing conditions and to changing composition of individuals. But that adaptation comes at a cost, and it has its limits. To support this thesis, he rallies a number of studies by other researchers, as well as his own work, and an extensive repertoire of entertaining anecdote.

I include this work here for several reasons. First, like any competent primatologist, he has a better working understanding of attachment than most attachment theorists. Second, his story about Krom, Krom's biological child Roosje, and Roosje's adoptive mother Kuif, has a lot to tell us about when it is reasonable to take a baby away from the bio-mother and give the baby to another mother to raise using formula. It also should reassure that tiny fraction of women who genuinely suffer from innate insufficient lactation: yes, Virginia, it happens to chimps, too. Third, the weaning stories in this book, while harrowing, can go a long way to reducing guilt in women who try to do "child-led" weaning, and end up with a compromise. At least they never tossed their child out of a tree.

But most importantly, I think De Waal has a lot to say about conflict resolution, and the importance of conflict in relationships. Parenting manuals and counselors engage in a lot of loose talk and bad advice about avoiding conflict. We'd be better off finding ways to recover from it.

Of Historical Interest

Prior to the early 1990s in the U.S., pediatricians emphatically recommended putting babies to sleep on their stomachs, so they would not choke on vomit. Current dogma has reversed that with the Back to Sleep campaign. It's useful to learn the history of advice given to childbearing women about their bodies and their babies, particularly when it exposes these kinds of reversals.

Dick-Read, Grantly. Childbirth Without Fear: Original and Unabridged. London: Pinter & Martin Ltd, 2004.

Be forewarned: Dick-Read was a Christian pro-natalist who wanted to see a return to middle-class Victorian families of 7-10 children (who got to have all those kids because they had cheap servants) and he lived in South Africa for a time without being overly concerned by the effects of apartheid (or what would become apartheid), other than that he thought it was bad to have black women raising white babies who would eventually have to learn to ostracise these women. That said, he's interesting to read as an early medical advocate of turning the clock back on obstetrical management (even though he dedicates the book to the never-to-be-sufficiently-damned de Lee).

Dick-Read's advocacy of a relatively non-interventionist birth management strategy makes reference to the benefits to the mother (not traumatizing her physically, psychologically, etc.) and the baby (ditto, plus the dead baby due to respiratory effects of drugs commonly used on mom), and the dyad (he pretty much lays out the whole bonding theory, without using those terms). He comments on the tradeoffs associated with having various people around for the birth (husbands, mothers, medical attendants of various inclinations can help or hurt). He was a believer in prenatal (being British, he says antenatal) care, and childbirth classes but his nutritional commentary is comparatively sane. His pregnancy exercises include one the current editors felt compelled to footnote as not recommended for pregnant women any more.

Ehrenreich, Barbara and Deirdre English. For Her Own Good: Two Centuries of the Experts' Advice to Women. New York: Anchor Books, 2005. (BFPG1)

This contains Witches, Midwives and Nurses: A History of Women Healers and Complaints and Disorders: The Sexual Politics of Sickness. I had been looking for both while pregnant, and had been unable to track copies down even at libraries as they had been long out of print. I did not realize they had been collected along with other material in this book in 1978, and then revised and released in this book, which I actually bought much earlier in my pregnancy, not realizing I would later find it so compelling. Furthermore, I pulled it off the shelf to read when I hit a point where I was sick of reading about pregnancy and childbirth and wanted desperately to think about something -- anything -- else. Well, it sort of worked. I certainly enjoyed reading this. Ehrenreich and English were part of the same cohort that gave us the Boston Women's Health Collective. They were very sensitive to the connections between labor, feminism, patriarchy and allopathy. This work charts the rise, reign and fall of male experts telling women what to do and how to live their lives, have their babies and treat their ills. Except the fall isn't what it really should be, of course. Very much worth reading for anyone, male or female, at any stage of life. It suffers from the usual problems of second wave feminism, but not quite as bad as usual.

Hulbert, Ann. Raising America: Experts, Parents, and a Century of Advice About Children. : Knopf, 2003.

Hulbert is a mother who got curious about the history of advice given to parents, and took a good hard look at that history. She concluded that there are generally pairs of competing advice givers in each generation, one of whom is stern, but very emphatic about the needs of the child taking priority, the other of whom is gentle, but equally emphatic about the needs of the parents. It's an interesting analysis, with some weak points, and she notes that Dr. Spock combined the two roles for a time. This is a great book to read before reading any of the how-to books. It opened my eyes before I was consulting these books for answers to on-the-spot child care issues.

Leavitt, Judith Walzer. Brought to Bed : Childbearing in America, 1750 to 1950. New York : Oxford University Press, 1986.

A U.S. centered overview of the history of midwifery and the growth of obstetrics as a medical specialty. It's easy to read this stuff and see it as one long, drawn-out rape of women and babies. Leavitt shows how each step along the way, women made choices and influenced how technology was deployed. Individual women (and later women collectively) often had to struggle against the institutionalized choices of other women (and earlier women collectively), but it wasn't always a men-are-evil phenomena.

Fiction

Kenner, Julie. Carpe Demon : Adventures of a Demon-Hunting Soccer Mom. New York : Penguin, 2005.

The Mother Knot, should, technically, be here, but it reads so autobiographically that I couldn't bring myself to move it. Julie Kenner's Carpe Demon is described on its cover as what might happen if Buffy grew up, got married, moved to the suburbs and became a stay at home mom. Kenner's romance fiction is okay, if a bit silly, but this is just wonderful. Kenner has included an incredible amount of detail about the day-to-day life of a mother of a teenager and a toddler, the wife of an aspiring politician who just happens to be a demon hunter who is forced to come out of retirement to protect her sleepy town, herself and her family. Playdates, her best friend whose husband is cheating on her, juggling too many commitments in too tight a schedule, the difficulty of finding child care, the huge expense of hiring people to do the stuff you run out of time for, pragmatic use of TV -- all are included humorously and evocatively. Nice stuff.

Books for Children

High Contrast Books

Baby Faces

Soft Books

Texture Books

Kids and Food

Ellin, Abby. Teenage Waistland: A Former Fat Kid Weighs In on Living Large, Losing Weight, and How Parents Can (and Can't) Help. New York : Public Affairs, 2005.

Ellin was never particularly fat, and she had a spectacularly eating-disordered childhood, including a grandmother and mother who had Issues and a sister who is/was anorexic. She got better, somewhat, but remains pretty crazy when it comes to food, with no sense of healthy food or healthy eating in general. She is a reasonably good advocate for children being abused (or at least treated badly) by parents who are freaked out by their shape, she overemphasizes the importance of weight/shape and ignores better metrics for health. She focuses exclusively on what individuals and families can do (no activism even against soda in schools, for example). She repeatedly quotes people who deny the possibility of being happy and/or healthy while overweight, despite having read Campos, and having some limited respect and admiration for NAAFA members. An interesting, if annoying read, useful primarily for understanding fat camps and other residential weight loss programs for children.

Copyright 2005 by Rebecca Allen

Created May 20, 2005
Updated March 5, 2009