Before I was pregnant, before I even knew I wanted to have children, I did not read many books about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. A couple of ideas stopped me from doing so. The first was that any time I expressed an interest in the topic, people around me assumed I was in a crazy hurry to have children of my own, which at the time I was not. The second was that some people around me who were pregnant or who had children of there own were extremely dismissive of the idea that books had anything worthwhile in them on the subject, and that, in general, experience was the only worthwhile teacher. They believed this wholeheartedly. In many cases they didn't even want to talk to me about their experiences. To be fair, this was only a fraction of the parents I knew before I became a parent myself.
Of course I knew about What to Expect When You're Expecting, and I had heard a lot of women complain about it, partly because they felt the nutritional advice (the Best Odds diet) was impossibly hard to follow, and also that the book included entirely too much information about what can go wrong, so much so that it was too hair-raising to actually read.
I was not happy with the books I initially found as alternatives to that tome. I asked my brother-in-law, a family practice M.D., for advice and he pointed me at, among others, the Henci Goer books. From there, I branched out quite happily. I'm not sure what Jacob thinks of what happened later on, but I will forever be grateful to him for getting me started in a good direction.
I put all my reviews in this section until one day, when Teddy was three months old and we were all out for a walk, I commented that the reviews had taken on a lot of the attributes of an annotated bibliography. I decided I needed a shorter version of the really recommended, and the absolutely must avoids.
Here is a description of my biases.
Here, for your delectation, clearly indicating my own bias and agenda as a woman and a mother, they are:
A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, by Henci Goer can be a dismaying early read, but is a fast introduction to the scary landscape that is medicalized childbirth in the U.S. I also like her book summarizing the state of the research as of the mid-90s, but it's a bit of a slog. This one is readable.
A Good Birth, A Safe Birth lays out the choices. Hopefully they will update it again soon, but in the meantime, you can use the information here as a basis for asking questions that will help you develop a meaningful birth plan, as opposed to a piece of paper a lot of people will ignore.
Born in the USA is a one hour video that depicts a hospital birth, a birth center birth and a home birth. Unbeatable, other than by attending births yourself. Hard to find; expensive to buy, but worth it. Donate your copy to a worthy cause afterwards.
A Visual Guide to Breastfeeding, by Jack Newman, is a DVD that shows you in some detail what breastfeeding looks like, which apparently a lot of people haven't seen up close and in person, until they tried to do it themselves. I was lucky enough to have friends that nursed while I was around, but this was still helpful. While Newman is a man, he is a wonderful force for good. His book is also worthwhile, especially as a reference in case of difficulty.
The Breastfeeding Cafe, by Barbara Behrman, is one of a number of books recently put out that use a collection of true-life-stories of breastfeeding to describe how breastfeeding works, what can be done when it doesn't, how weaning can be made a celebration instead of a potentially painful loss, and even how pumping milk has helped some women deal with the loss of a new baby. Steiner's and Giles' books are also quite wonderful, but this is the best.
Good Nights, by Jay Gordon and Maria Goodavage, is a fun read, full of stories and good-natured advocacy for the family bed. I found it particularly helpful that they include when and how various families took to the family bed.
Meredith Small's books Our Babies, Ourselves, and Kids: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Raise Young Children are anthropological summaries of ethnographic surveys that touched upon child-rearing practices. While her data are imperfect, she is readable, and even flawed, this is information that can really change your thinking on parenting.
The Happiest Baby on the Block, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, books and videos by Harvey Karp, are simply presented, detailed suggestions for helping your baby and toddler live a happier, more comfortable life. The ideas are not entirely dependent on parenting style (which means you can do these whether you are doing "traditional" child-raising, or AP, or something else). There is a gap between the ideas of the first book and the second, but apparently most parents find that time period relatively trouble free. Each book has a gimmick to tie the ideas together (in the first book, swaddling, shushing, swinging, side, and so forth are tied together by the idea of the calming reflex and the five Ss; in the second, the idea of toddlers are recapitulating the development of humans), but the value lies in the detailed description of age-appropriate specific ideas to relate to your children and help them. I really cannot recommend these books highly enough.
Playful Parenting, by Lawrence Cohen, takes Karp's ideas to the next developmental stage, with a lot of ideas for relating to kids that do not require everyone to be able to use their words all the time.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, is a classic and deservedly so. Better for slightly older children who have more reliable access to words even when stressed.
The Two-Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Mothers and Fathers are Going Broke, by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi, is a real eye-opener for everyone, wherever they are on their life path, whether that involves children or not. Our economy is deeply anti-family and anti-parenting. They explain how in some detail, and what needs to change collectively to fix the problem, and what individuals can do in the meantime to defend themselves, their children and their economic present and future.
The Price of Motherhood, by Ann Crittenden covers a lot of the same ground, but her solutions make more sense for the middle class and up, whereas the Warrens cover the full range, and propose solutions that make sense for everyone.
How to Avoid the Mommy Trap, by Julie Shields has a lot more ideas for what two parents can do until collective action fixes the problem. While Shields and the rest of us try to get paid family leave, she gives a lot of very specific advice starting with dating and continuing after the kids are already in place, on how to actually implement an egalitarian parenting style. She has less to say about how to make a family with a stay-at-home parent work for everyone, but her comments there are also useful. This is a book that deserves a better title.
There are a number of books about the marital relationship, with and without kids, before, during and after kids, straight, blended and so forth. I'm not all that enthusiastic about any of the ones I have read so far. I like John Gottman's work. He's developed a curriculum that is worthwhile called Bringing Baby Home and a book is forthcoming. I hope it will be excellent, but in the meantime, his Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work is fantastic. My current favorite description of and comprehensive solution for the reversion to traditional roles that accompanies the arrival of children is The Lazy Husband by Joshua Coleman. Coleman's therapeutic background helps continually refocus on why women have trouble feeling that their needs are important, articulating them and insisting their family help meet those needs, and what women can do for themselves to get better at this, and also includes specific tactics for articulating those needs and holding the line until those needs are met.
Obviously, I like Sears' The Baby Book better than the other one-volume books on babies. And Simkin's book Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn similarly. Please don't consider those recommendations. Consider them instead toleration. Penelope Leach's book is a tool of the man. She appears caring and reasonable, but within that pleasant get-the-adult-needs-met message is a very anti-breastfeeding, anti-family bed, anti-include-your-child-in-your-life message. She doesn't seem to be aware that inducing lactation or relactating is even possible. While she's okay with kids coming into the parental bed in the morning, she's dead set against it starting early in the night, as it would interfere with couple-alone-time in the evening. While she doesn't come right out and say scheduled feeding, her repetitious emphasis on five feedings a day goal, night weaning while quite young, and early introduction of solids clearly betray her bottle-feeding origins. Furthermore, she is obsessed with calories as a meaningful measure of infant nutritition, where increasingly the scientific consensus is that standard caloric measures of breastmilk when compared to formula just do not match up the way anyone would expect. The AAP's recommended book reflects their subcommittee on nutrition's persistently misguided belief that breasfed babies must have supplementation (definitely iron and probably more) or they'll wither away and die. Their section on weaning describes a two week schedule. They appear shocked at the idea anyone might want to nurse past a year, and imply that women who don't want to stop nursing are reluctant to give up the intimacy -- not that it might be healthful for both of them, and not just for the intimacy. They also state that most four month olds sleep through the night -- for ten to twelve hours. I could go on, but why?
If you can't bring yourself to read a lot, get the Karp and Newman videos. Get The Two-Income Trap and How to Avoid the Mommy Trap at the library, and buy Cohen and Faber/Mazlish in paperback, along with Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. With that selection, hopefully you will be able to survive the arrival of children with your primary adult relationships more or less strengthened, rather than destroyed, with thriving children. If you are lucky, your finances will also weather the bomb set off by the arriving infant. If you find midwives, or a family practice doctor you like that delivers babies, you'll probably even have a relatively good birth experience. If you particularly enjoy breastfeeding, you might pick up Behrman's book for reading while nursing. The stories are a pleasant way to pick up additional tips, and start seeing around the corner to nursing a toddler, or weaning, or both.
Hands down, lots of people are the most useful when you have a new baby. They can be a romantic or other partner, paid providers (get a postpartum doula!), friends, extended family, whatever. But you need people if you have a baby. Line them up ahead of time, and be as specific as you can when asking for help, especially if people offer.
If you are breastfeeding, I recommend a tube of Lansinoh, some Lilypadz (silicone breastpads that stop leaking, rather than attempting -- and failing -- to absorb leaks), a nursing pillow (I inherited a boppy; other people swear by My Brest Friend which you can get an inflatable version of and travel with. If only I had known.) and some time with a woman who is breastfeeding. You want to see this in action, ideally with more than one woman, ahead of time. You want someone to help you get through inevitable problems along the way. If your friends can't help you out here, you could try a lactation consultant or someone from La Leche. Learn early on what expressing looks like and feels like, and how to do breast massage to deal with plugged ducts and mastitis. It'll save you a lot of trouble dealing with unhelpful doctors later on. A post-partum doula can serve this purpose really, really well.
A glider rocker and glider ottoman. If you have another rocker that you really love, that would work fine also. This will be the core of your nest. Whoever has the baby gets the nest. It should be surrounded with places to put beverages, snacks, spit rags, wipes, books, remote controls and whatever else you want readily to hand. I can absolutely see the appeal of lighting and heating/AC remote controls after having spent a lot of time in my rocker.
Extra bed(s) (couches count, and in a pinch, so does the floor). This is so whoever is not responsible for the baby doesn't have to be in the same room with the baby. You can sleep in shifts early on, and you may wind up doing the same again whenever the baby (or one of you) get sick.
Babywunder potty If you decide to do elimination communication, around about two or three months of age, it'll get a little old holding your baby over a sink several times a day. Get one of these. They are small (the same size as the considerably cheaper Baby Bjorn Little Potty), so you won't worry about dropping the kid in. They are transparent, so you can tell when they've gone and you get to see their bits and can tell if more is on the way.
Car Seat Carrier I did not intend to buy a stroller (at least not until the wee one was big enough for a jogging stroller), but it turns out that it's a bit daunting to walk a mile and a half or so to the good grocery store with the kid in a pack. Adding a backpack to that full of groceries seemed impossible. This made the trek quite pleasurable. Yes, it's a baby container and therefore evil, but I figure the kid's in the car seat if I do the shopping in the car anyway, and strollers are less evil than internal combustion engines. It's all about the strategic compromise.
Copyright 2005 by Rebecca Allen
Created December 14, 2005 Updated March 8, 2006