These notes for a book about healthy personal relationships grew out of questions I asked friends in the wake of a breakup. I realized that although I had been married once, and been involved in another, longer relationship, I was still making a lot of mistakes that looked moronic even to me. Some of those mistakes had been the result of innocent advice and commentary by people around me.

During the last year of the relationship whose end spawned this work, I spent a great deal of time talking to one friend in particular about relationships, breakups, successes and failures, how to meet people, how to sustain a close friendship, how to find a job, how to interview successfully, etc. I think we both learned a lot. In particular, together we developed a way of thinking about relationships that resulted in this work. My friend knows who I speak of, and how deeply I value our friendship. He strongly encouraged me at the time to write down what we talked about. He thought it might someday make a useful book, and in the meantime, would serve as a useful reminder to us. My point of view is that of a woman, but I've tried to include insights men have told me are helpful to them, and to generalize across genders and orientation when I could.

Like my cookbook, this is a work in progress. Suggestions are always welcome. In particular, I'm working on expanding these notes with better, illustrative examples.

Created February 9, 2002
Updated November 19, 2003

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements