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You may date across continents and decades, only to find the love of your life next door. Whatever. Just don't confuse the process of dating with your desired outcome. If you confuse the process with the outcome, you will fail to engage in the process fully. What a lot of psycho babble.
Let's say you're looking for a monogamous, life partner. You may think you have to engage in a series of long-term exclusive relationships in order to find the right person to be your monogamous life partner. You don't. In fact, if you assume you have to do this, you may needlessly extend the process, or exclude options from consideration, or, through bad timing, miss dating all the Mr. or Ms Rights.
If you instead engage in overlapping, non-exclusive, shorter term encounters, the likelihood of missing an opportunity is substantially reduced. People don't like to be misled; you will have to communicate what you are doing. They spot unfairness fast, so you'll need to let them do the same thing, possibly encourage them to try the same strategies. Some people will, for a variety of reasons, be unwilling to date you in this fashion. Think of it as a strategy for smoking out the dedicated monogamists, if you are looking for them. And you can always take a break from polyamory to date a monogamist for a while to see if he or she is The One (for you). The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt and Polyamory: the New Love Without Limits by Deborah Anapol have some pointers on how to date more than one person at a time in a respectful, considerate, honest fashion. They also discuss ways to sustain multiple relationships over long periods of time.
By now, you may well be in a state of shock. You may hate small talk with strangers so much you have developed a philosophical, even moral opposition to small talk. And here I am suggesting you consider dating more than one near-stranger at once.
If you have process constraints like those in the hypothetical list above, you need to go for a long walk by yourself and give some serious thought to what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. If you won't engage in small talk, and you want to hook up with Mr. or Ms Right, or even get laid tonight, you will at least have to devise an alternative plan and be willing to try that instead. Alternatives do, in fact, exist. One very simple way to get laid is to hire it done; that's a straightforward matter of checking the ads in the local weekly and making a phone call. Matchmakers still exist. You can pay one to help find Mr. or Ms Right for you. Sometimes friends are eager to provide this service. If you relax and go with the flow, someone might just drop into your life. Pursuing any or all of the above options strike me as completely reasonable.
Unfortunately, they don't appeal to me, because they give me so little influence, much less control, over the outcome (with the possible exception of the escort service, which just sounds expensive).
Small talk, flirting, all the little social skills that are so terrifying, so paralyzing, are not just for dating. If you are deficient in them, you will be impaired in all your relationships: friendships, jobs, networking with others for political or religious ends. This is a heavy price to pay, surely more risky than laying that tiny piece of pride on the line to say hello to a stranger or ask a casual acquaintance out for coffee. If these small steps are too huge to take, you have probably connected them to something that is scary and expensive. Take another long walk. Find out why you think saying hello or having coffee with a coworker is scary. Consult with your friends. Find out if they think that specific fear or those specific fears are rational. Ask yourself. If you all agree they aren't, just go out and do it. If you can't, get professional help. Social Anxiety Disorder is increasingly recognized and successfully treated. If you won't do that, but you are willing to work on this misperception yourself, I again recommend Using Your Brain For A Change by Richard Bandler. What you have, whether you noticed before or not, is a phobia, and phobias can be cured.
It is possible that you have mixed feelings left over from Chapter 2, in which I emphasized the need to be able to deliver congruent yes, no, and maybe. Some people think it's always, inherently rude to say no. Some people think it is wrong or unfair to others to be uncertain or indecisive. Some people hate to say yes, because they can never be completely sure they mean it and they don't want to have to go back on their commitment. If you have any of these ideas, all relationship processes will be difficult for you. When people say no to you, you will find them rude. If they are uncertain or indecisive, you will either think worse of them as a person, or you will attempt to coerce them into deciding one way or the other. People who agree to something, and then change their mind will trigger a sense of betrayal in you.
I think we all know people that can be described as "flakes" or "flaky". These are people who are all excited to go see a movie with you, until you try to pick a time, and then there never is one that works. Or they agree to a time, then fail to show up. Or they call to tell you they had other plans after all that they had forgotten. Maybe you invite them to go hiking, and twenty minutes into the day-hike decide they'd rather go do something else. Possibly they reassure you that you don't need to eat before an event, because food will be available and you get stuck starving for hours in a venue you can't re-enter once you leave.
This happens to everyone once in a while, through misinformation, a change of heart, a changed mind or a failure of planning. But when Bill's answers reflect what he thinks Jane wants him to say, rather than what Bill knows to be the case, Bill is going to wind up looking like a flake. No one's basic physical needs will be met whenever these two are out and about together. Jane can't have a close relationship with Bill, because she can't trust him, and Bill isn't giving her any real information about Bill. If they persist in a close association, Jane will continually take damage from Bill's flaky, juvenile behavior. Bill won't be able to rely on getting energy or good feelings from his association with Jane, because she can't connect to him in any consistent way. Bill's relationship with Jane will drain him, and his only recourse, over the long haul, will be to find solitude and isolation to recover from his foolishness. Don't be Bill.
The only way to not be Bill, is to be willing to take a risk. A specific and limited risk. Tell the person you are with something about you. "I'm hungry", for example, or "this movie offends me and I want to leave". "I like you and I want to spend more time with you." Even, "I'm not ready for an LTR right now, but I'd still like to see you once in a while." Laughing at a joke when you think it's funny is taking a risk. Asking for directions when you are lost is a risk. Apologizing for stepping on someone's toe, rather than pretending it didn't happen is a risk. Saying, "I don't know" is a risk. These are all risks you should be able to take, you need to be able to take, if you want to interact with anyone in a meaningful way. Worry just a little less about suavity and coolness, and a little more about everyone getting what they need to be happy, and that risk will be repaid many, many times over. Even if you do occasionally get shot down by some asshole. If you can manage these risks, then someday, you might be able to risk taking your clothes off with someone you like, and having a whole lot of fun finding out more things about each other. Because all those little risks are little steps to learning that the most intimate connections in life, whether sexual or otherwise, aren't performances. They are all about playing well with others.
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Copyright Rebecca Allen, 2002.
Created February 9, 2002 Updated February 11, 2002