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Most adults know at the beginning of an hour approximately what they will do for the rest of that hour, most of the time. The same is true for a day, a week, a month, a year. If you can't do this, or don't do this, you need to learn how. You don't have to plan every minute of every hour, every hour of every day, every day of every week, every week of every month, every month of every year, every year of the rest of your life. In fact, if you do plan in capacious detail over broad swathes of time, you may need to Get Out and Play more often, or at least schedule a little spontaneity.
Different people use different tools to keep track of their future. Some people keep track of their upcoming plans and activities in their head, other people use desk or appointment calendars, PDAs, DayRunners, DayTimers and assorted other gadgetry. Some people use bits of paper they stuff in their pockets. Some people rely upon an extremely regular schedule to keep track of what's coming up next.
Each solution has a set of identifiable characteristics. If you rely upon a regular schedule, change will occur very slowly in your life. If you really like everything about your life, this may well be perfectly fine for you. If you are trying to get out, meet new people, get a new job, make new friends, get laid, a very regular schedule is going to make that process extremely slow, and may well bring it to a halt entirely.
If you keep your schedule largely in your head, you may well forget things. This will generally be okay if you mostly hang out with people who know you and are willing to forgive you. If you forget to meet a new friend, forget to show up for an interview, or forget to call your date from last night the next day (or at least during the next week), forgiveness is a lot less likely.
If you use some sort of calendar or scheduling system, whether on paper or in electronic form, you have probably discovered the problems associated with those, but I'm going to explain them here anyway, for the people who were organizing their life in their head (or not at all) and decide to try something new and different. The major problems associated with scheduling systems when first adopted by a novice involve the space allotted by the scheduler. If you buy a big, hour-by-hour system, you will probably overbook yourself. You'll see these wide expanses of white space and be tempted to fill them. If you buy a small, pocket size, month-at-a-time system, you may underbook yourself, or feel extremely busy when you aren't actually planning ahead much. If you aren't prepared to buy several systems in a row, as you learn which size is Just Right for you, make notes in the margins for the first few months to keep track of what level of scheduling is too busy and what level is not busy enough. PDAs can reproduce these problems and may introduce additional ones.
Scheduling inevitably involves estimation. You need to guess, sometimes with a lot of information, sometimes with very little, how long a given activity will take in order to know when you can schedule an activity before or after it. I'm referring to activities as basic as running to the store to pick up food to prepare for dinner to how long it will take to pack and drive to the airport. A surprising number of people are very bad at estimating how long something will take. In order to estimate with accuracy, you need to pay attention and remember how long a given activity has taken in the past, ideally under a variety of circumstances. Your daily commute, whether to school or work or the store or the gym, whether walking, riding or driving, varies by traffic and weather conditions. You should know what the probable variation in travel time is under those conditions. If you have a reputation for chronic lateness, and you think you are good at estimating time, you are either wrong, or you are an asshole. Your friends may not mind, but new acquaintances, employers and dates will be pissed.
Most people find their lives less stressful and more manageable if they schedule in slack time between activities, to allow for bad traffic, an activity which starts late, or runs overtime. If you don't do this, and you find yourself explaining you are late because something ran over or traffic was unexpectedly bad and you never arrive early for anything, you are probably exploiting reserves of courtesy and affection on the part of people you interact with. If you are the multi-billionaire CEO of a fast-growing company, you can probably get away with this as a lifestyle. The rest of us should make an effort to treat our friends in a way that does not introduce problems into their lives just because we're having a few of our own. Leave a little extra time between activities in which other people are depending upon your arrival.
Even people who are good at estimating, who remember their activities and who allow slack time for the actions of Murphy, occasionally still find themselves missing a rendez-vous. You can say some things to friends and coworkers that can minimize bad feelings and maximize the likelihood of a rendez-vous eventually occuring. Talk to them about how long they should wait for you, and how long you should wait for them. Make sure you both thoroughly understand where you are to meet. If the meeting place should be untenable for some reason (weather, locked doors, restaurant closed), have a second meeting place planned. Trade cellphone and/or pager numbers. If you have a cell phone, turn it on before meeting to allow them a chance to call to cancel. Keep the battery charged. Check your messages before meeting, and when you realize they are late, or if you are late. If you don't have a cell phone, make sure you have change for several phone calls at a pay phone. While these actions may sound like overkill if you're hooking up with a pal for coffee, they are not unreasonable lifestyle choices, given the cost of cell phones and voice messaging, and they are crucial if you are interviewing for a job you really want, or arranging a date with someone you want to fuck.
When you know you are running late -- which will occur before you are actually late, if only by a few minutes, assuming you've learned to estimate -- use the above suggestions to contact the person you are meeting to tell them you are running late, how late you expect to be, and to suggest one or more alternatives. If you were on time right up until the moment you tried to park and realized that wasn't going to work, this won't be possible; do your best. But whenever possible, let the other person know what you know as soon as you know, especially if you realize hours in advance your entire schedule is going to be whacked. In particular, don't wait to find out just how late you are going to be to call, particularly if the designated meeting time has already arrived.
The last piece of scheduling involves thinking about your future in adequate detail. In general, I have tried to discourage you from planning everything, because in my experience, the people who read advice about scheduling and timing and estimating are already doing a lot of it. If that sounds like you, this bit doesn't apply to you.
If I am going to go on a job interview at 10 a.m., I need to allow time to engage in appropriate hygiene (shower, shave, dress), eat breakfast (interviewing hungry is a terrible idea) and get myself to the interview. I probably know how long it takes to shower, shave and dress, but if I'm very nervous about interviewing, I might forget that I need to allow time to try on several different outfits. I might forget to allow time to brush my teeth again after eating. I may allow travel time, but not parking time. I may allow travel and parking time, but not allow time to locate the exact address (getting lost time). In scheduling any new or unfamiliar activity, you need to give extra thought to make sure you allow for all the pieces of that activity, and appropriate preparation for that activity.
The stereotypical date in which man arrives and is left cooling his heels for an hour because his date isn't ready yet is a classic instance of failure to schedule time for makeup, trying a new hairstyle (and retrying and retrying and retrying and showering again and retrying), trying a dozen different outfits on, putting on makeup, taking it off, putting it on again, etc. etc. etc. The usual explanation is that she's yanking his chain somehow, but the reality is much more boring (unless she's an asshole).
Life contains many events with scheduled start times, some of which have scheduled end times. Interpreting what announced start and end times mean, much less ferreting out what they are when they aren't stated, is a fine art, and one that tends to vary culturally, by class, by region, and over time. If you're thinking, gosh I'm screwed no matter what I do, you're only mostly right.
In general, if someone bothers to announce a start time, and have substantially more power in the relationship than you do, arrive at the start time, to the best of your ability. Try to arrive in the vicinity of the meeting a few minutes early and then cool your heels in a suitable location to guarantee arrival on the dot. For example, if your job interview is at 10 a.m., you should plan to arrive outside the building at 9:45, take a few breaths, and land in the lobby around 10 minutes before 10. Wait wherever they point you and don't look agitated. Bring a prop to amuse yourself, ideally a magazine or book you can read which is relevant to the work you are applying for and indicates you are not completely ignorant of the field.
Other events you should probably arrive on the dot for include first dates. A lot of group activities, particularly those one pays for, one should also arrive on the dot, or slightly early for: scuba outings, trailhead meetings for alpine ascents, dim sum with friends. Opera and plays generally do not permit late seating. If you attend alone, arrive early enough to be seated, and allow for crowds while parking and entering the building. If you attend with someone else, discuss ahead of time how early you want to be seated.
You may be tempted to always arrive exactly at the scheduled time, perhaps a few minutes early, thus saving yourself the trouble of deciphering social codes on invitations. Do not give in to this temptation. Those hosting large parties will hate you, and the only way to mitigate their ire will be if you promptly offer to assist and then effectively do so.
Many activities permit a flexible arrival time. If you plan to meet a friend to hang out at their place in the afternoon, and they suggest arriving at around a particular time, or a time "ish", you can arrive substantially (where that is still defined in minutes, not hours) earlier or later than the specified time. Generally, friends and groups of friends devise their own idea of what the appropriate buffer is on a given activity. If you don't know it, go ahead and ask someone who might.
While some activities will make it very clear when you should leave (the lights come up in the movie theatre, the receptionist at the company you are interviewing at ushers you to the door), other activities leave much room for error. Many parties do not have stated end times, and those which do are rarely enforced, unless the venue was rented for the purpose. Asking the host if it is time for you to go may well trigger a polite response, rather than an accurate one. If you know the host's baseline, you may be able to ferret out the truth, but odds on, you don't and you won't. What to do?
Ask your friends for other ways to know when to leave. They'll learn something. You'll learn something. People will throw more parties, because they won't be sitting there with some dolt at 3 a.m. wondering how to get her to leave without being rude.
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Copyright Rebecca Allen, 2002.
Created February 9, 2002 Updated February 9, 2002