[ Cookbook | Book Reviews | Advice | Previous | Next ]
If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? We all heard that one a few times growing up. Most of us probably would have. Is that such a bad thing?
It depends. Some bridges traverse deep, boulder-free water, only a few feet up. Jumping off those bridges isn't appreciably different from a leap off the high board at the swimming pool mom made you take lessons at. With training, a leap off a much higher bridge can still be safe. With technology in the form of ankle wraps or a shoulder harness and a carefully maintained, thoroughly inspected bungee rope, the water no longer matters -- only height and the amount of stretch in the rope.
If you raised objections like that when mom, dad or your teacher asked you if you would jump off a bridge, odds on, you don't need this part of the book. If you would have followed everyone else off that bridge, you should read this chapter to minimize your risk exposure. If you would have balked at the bridge, you definitely need this chapter or you might miss out on a lot of fun.
Are there any completely safe options? Staying home alone, hanging out with a shrinking group of friends from the past who are equally anxious and fearful about meeting new people, engaging in a regular round of activities at an array of establishments that will slowly go out of business over the next decade. It may or may not be safe (after all, anyone can be run over by a bus); it is definitely undesirable.
You need to make some tradeoffs between what is fun and what is sustainable. This is a numbers game. You have to be able to stay with it long enough to collect whatever payoff you got into the game for in the first place, without collecting damage or disease that might make it impossible to attain your goal. To do this, you need information, resources and skills.
The information you need is varied. You need to know what risks various behaviors entail, and you need to know what your options are to reduce those risks to an acceptable level (or decide not to engage in those behaviors). I might be talking about sex, but I could just as easily be thinking of whether or not to consume fugu at a sushi restaurant.
Rule 1: Pay attention: to your environment, your date and your intuition.
Talk to new people in a larger social context first, or over the phone or in writing before meeting one-on-one. Find out about them via mutual friends. Discuss their history with them. Better yet, get a few books like Strong on Defense by Sanford Strong, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Learn about pre-incident indicators. Become more sensitive to your own internal warning system.
Rule 2: Take charge of your own protection.
Even if you are a complete pacifist, these books and the thinking you will do in the course of reading them, will help you control risks. If you are not a pacifist by choice, consider the wide array of self-defense options available to you. If cost is an issue, the local Y usually offers inexpensive self-defense and martial arts classes. If time is an issue, short, intensive programs are available. If size, strength or inclination to train is an issue, in some states, it is legal and relatively simple to carry a concealed weapon.
Whatever you choose to adopt as a method of self-defense (running and screaming count), you should periodically practice, mentally if not physically, preparing yourself for the day you have to use your skills. If you discover in yourself or about yourself something that would make it difficult to defend yourself, work to compensate or overcome that trait or deficiency, whether it be the shape you are in physically, your will to live or your level of skill. If you find that your original choice does not work for you, pick something else. Don't give up. Don't entrust your safety to chance, the mercy of strangers with questionable motives, or the people you go bar hopping with.
Rule 3: Know What Your Are Signing Up For
Your date or your friends may have identified you as the person who is going to get you out of whatever scrapes they get themselves into. If you're the biggest man in the group, or your buddies know you've got a black belt, or that you're part of some special armed forces unit that is widely perceived as being a bunch of bad asses, your friends may decide they can say what they want, do what they want, write checks that your fists are going to have to cash. If that's a game you like to play, don't let me stop you. But if you don't want to play that game, everyone is better served it you let them know before the bar fight is underway.
Aggressive behavior is, I am sorry to say, not limited to those who suffer, through no fault of their own, testosterone poisoning. Women are perfectly capable of deciding that their friend, who carries a gun, or has a black belt, or is big and imposing, will protect them from a flirtation gone horribly awry, or a political argument that has gotten out of hand. If you are a woman who has laboriously gone through the process of learning a martial art, or learning to shoot, buying a gun, getting a concealed carry permit, be aware that you've just put yourself in a category more typically reserved for men, but equally hazardous for a woman. This may be a role you wanted, again, don't let me stop you. But if it isn't a role you want, you may have to take steps to ensure you aren't forced into it.
You need to protect yourself from more than a date that turns nasty. You also need to protect yourself from the side effects of having a really good time.
As you start take charge of your own protection, you will notice people treat you differently. As with the ability to say no, you'll receive more invitations, more opportunities. If your usual crowd is busy for the night, you'll have a variety of choices for how to entertain yourself, more than staying home with the popcorn popper and a rented video. Explore these new opportunities slowly.
Now that you are more independent of those you previously relied upon to protect you and get you out of (and into) sticky situations, take the other role part of the time. Learn to keep an eye out for those you are with, offering to share your cab, to be the designated driver, to pick them up if they call you in the middle of the night too drunk to drive home, or too scared to go home with the person they are with. Pay ahead.
[ Cookbook | Book Reviews | Advice | Previous | Next ]
Copyright Rebecca Allen, 2002.
Created February 9, 2002 Updated February 9, 2002