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Most people who have been dating and in and out of relationships over a period of time have a rule designed to deal with failure to make a clean break in a particular way. It may be "You can never go back", which is intended to terminate on-again-off-again relationships. It may be a theory about relationships only changing direction once: if they were good and they turn bad, they won't change back. Some people have rules about relationship demotions: if you were living together, and you aren't now, you might as well end it now.
If you don't have a rule like this (yet), I'll offer you a slightly different one. Consciously, jointly if possible, plan the arc of your relationship. If you are forced to plan this unilaterally, this is an organized way to decide at what point you call the relationship off if it is not what you want it to be.
Decide what degree of commitment you want. You need to understand what you want now, at minimum. Ideally, you should have a reasonable idea of what you want a few months from now, subject to circumstances as they arise. You should have some idea what circumstances will cause you to want to increase the degree of intimacy and commitment you have in a particular relationship. You must learn as much as you can about what circumstances will cause you to terminate a relationship, or decide to return to an earlier degree of intimacy and commitment. Open-ended cohabitation (cohabitation for an indeterminate period of time) is often a bad idea. Usually one or more people have an idea this will lead to something else. Living together is likely to delay that happening, if anything. If, in the course of living together, one of you decides that Something Else is a bad idea, the odds are good that will not be communicated in a timely fashion. Also, you will be living together when it is communicated.
Open-ended long-distance dating suffers from a related series of problems. Usually one or more people has the idea that the other will move. If you are dating at a distance, after you once lived in the same town, the odds are against one of you moving (you didn't already, or even make specific plans to that end). If, in the course of dating long-distance, one of you meets Someone Else, the odds are good that will not be communicated in a timely fashion. If you are lucky, you'll both find Someone Else and that won't matter. Finding out your significant other in another state is engaged to marry someone else sucks. Don't let it happen to you. If you agree on a time limit, your significant other will probably at least delay announcing the engagement until after your time limit.
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Copyright Rebecca Allen, 2002.
Created February 9, 2002 Updated November 19, 2003