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After a breakup, talk happens. Everyone, possibly including both members of the ex-couple, but almost inevitably all of their friends, learns about everything wrong that was said and done in the course of the relationship. Many of these are revelations to the perpetrators, er, participants. She said something he resented. He failed to do something she wanted. They both behaved in an unsophisticated, immature and irresponsible fashion, if their friends were to speak the unvarnished truth, which we generally hope they will not do.
A number of counselors and therapists, in person and through books and articles, wish we could prevent these unpleasant and semi-public postmortems. Many propose some variation on verbal, radical honesty: speak up, say what you are thinking and feeling, on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, perhaps even moment-to-moment basis. Most of us aren't prepared to do this. Most of us question whether it would be such a great idea, given what we've seen happen when friends gave it a whirl.
Nonverbal communication is real. It isn't always effective, any more than verbal communication is. It is rarely received consciously, but is often received anyway, even when the source was unaware they were communicating. Call someone on a glazed look and heavy sigh and that someone may feign total interest in the conversation swirling around him. Do you believe him? I don't.
But he might actually be interested. That glazed look might be memories flashing behind his eyes as he compares what he is hearing to his own history. The heavy sigh may be the physical manifestation of a sudden realization of a past mistake and the impossibility of rectifying it with the victim at this late date. If he claims fascination while producing these nonverbals and supplies no further information, a lot of us are going to figure he's lying and we might not invite him back next time. If he knows what's going on in his own head, and that he sighed, he has the option of explaining himself to us -- increasing our sense of connection and intimacy.
You need to be aware of your own nonverbals, and what thoughts and feelings they are associated with. A large number of regimes, religions, books and philosophies exist which can help you become more aware of your own thoughts and feelings. A number of books discuss standard postures, gestures and expressions, and supply simple techniques, such as mirroring, that can be used to increase a sense of rapport with another person. I like Bandler and Grinder's books on Neuro-Linguistic Programming (an excellent starting point is Using Your Brain for a Change), as they do a little bit of both, and are focused on outcomes. I believe that modifications to one's behavior (whether interior or exterior, thoughts or gestures) should be made with careful thought given to the desired results, attention paid to the actual results, and follow up to correct any difference between the two.
Once you are aware of your own nonverbals, and the thoughts and feelings they reflect, you may be tempted to assume you now have a key to what other people are thinking and feeling based on the expressions flitting across their faces or what their hands and feet are doing. You don't. What you do have is enough background to establish baselines for every single person you have regular contact with. The baselines should be yes, no and maybe. Pay attention to how they look, how they sound and how they move when they agree or disagree or withhold decision, particularly on issues or decisions which do not directly involve you. They should have a relatively consistent presentation for each of these, and if you can spot it, you're one step ahead in noticing when they lie, whether to themselves, you, someone else or all of the above. If they always smile when they agree, and they agree to go out for a beer with you with a frown, you've got enough data to at least watch for more anomalies or perhaps even ask what's up.
Get a friend to help you learn your yes, no and maybe nonverbals. Pick this person carefully. You will have a hard time lying to them about yes, no and maybe in the future if you are successful. Once you know what your nonverbals are, if someone asks you what's up after you agreed to do something (or said no or said maybe), you've at least improved your chance of noticing that you overrode your better judgment.
In general, the ability to deliver and recognize a congruent yes, no or maybe is a critical life skill. It ensures you take the opportunities you like, refuse the things you don't like, and keep your options open as long as appropriate. Ask your friends if this is something you do well. Try not to argue with them. Work on consistency, and especially work on knowing when you are lying. You don't need any more of the kinds of surprises that unclear or inappropriate responses bring.
As you become more forthright and confident in saying yes, no and maybe (whether to more coffee or a sleep over), you will notice several changes in the way others interact with you. You will have more choices. People will not fear your inability to say no, so they will be more likely to invite you along for unusual activities, offer you more challenging opportunities and generally treat you in a more adult fashion. Expect potentially offensive or scary offers to come your way. These offers could include additional responsibilities at work, a request for advice on a difficult decision from a close friend, family members might approach you to assist in an intervention with another family member, your significant other might tell you about a dream or goal for the future she was previously reluctant to inform you of.
People will tell you about possible bad news earlier on in the process, before it happens. They will give you more honest feedback about you, your behavior, your performance, your appearance. This is all good. It gives you the opportunity to change effectively. It can give you greater control in a deteriorating situation. Don't punish people for giving you precious information. Develop strategies for weathering unexpected and/or unpleasant information, and develop strategies for delivering unexpected and/or unpleasant information. Some of these strategies should include detailed ways to clearly tell people you do not want to hear about certain people, certain news, certain opinions. Do so, politely, clearly and with consistent nonverbals.
You can also use these skills to increase the likelihood that what you do with a lover or partner or friend is something you both want to be doing -- rather than something they are silently suffering through for your sake while you are silently suffering through it for their sake. Attention to nonverbals can be combined with elaborated verbal communication.
Jane's boss gives her two tickets to the opera because she (the boss) couldn't get anyone else to take them. Jane knows she doesn't have to go, but thinks she should because they are so expensive, and it is a cultural opportunity that her boss enjoys. She's afraid Joe will hate the idea, and it falls on their regular date night.
Joe has been to the opera before, and while he liked it, he found it very long and not very involving. He would have been happy to leave after the second act and has never been since because he doesn't want to get stuck sitting through the fourth hour of something that was really only fun the first two and a half hours. He'd love to go if he can leave at the second intermission if he's bored.
Thus:
Jane: I have two tickets to the opera my boss gave me. Want to go?
Joe: Okay
They go. They stay for the entire opera. If Joe is lucky, Joe doesn't mind. If Joe is not lucky, Joe resents Jane for the duration of Act III and will never agree to go to the opera again. Jane forms an opinion of opera based on this experience, which will probably be colored by how Joe felt during Act III. She may also wind up forming an opinion about men and opera as a result of this experience.
Becomes (if Jane puts forth an effort):
Jane: My boss gave me two tickets to the opera. I've never been to the opera. I don't know how I feel about opera, because I've never thought about going before. Have you ever been to the opera?
Joe: Yes, once.
Jane: What did you think of it?
Joe: It was interesting, but long. I would have liked to leave after the second act.
Jane: I think I'd like to try this. Shall we go and decide at each intermission whether to stay for the next act?
Joe: Okay.
Or (if Joe puts forth an effort):
Jane: I have two tickets to the opera my boss gave me. Want to go?
Joe: Well, I've been to the opera once before, and it was interesting, but long. Is this something you want to do or are you just thinking about going because your boss gave you the tickets?
Jane: I've never thought about it before. She likes the opera. I should give it a try.
Joe: I'm not sure I could sit through another whole opera without getting antsy, and I don't want us to sit through something we're both hating. I'd be willing to go if we could decide at each intermission whether we wanted to stay for the next act.
Jane: Okay.
If Joe and Jane have compatible nonverbals (whether by chance or through directed effort to learn each others nonverbals), the first scenario can work out great if they notice the moderated enthusiasm in the first exchange and pay attention to how the other is acting during the intermissions. It can still work out if they notice the other is less enthused by the second intermission. But if they are sending and receiving on different frequencies, Joe and Jane are at the mercy of chance.
Most people navigate adult life without frequent encounters with the opera, but nearly everyone has to make decisions about whether to participate in something long, arduous or expensive, whether it's white water rafting or joining the mile-high club. People who flexibly and sensitively plan both whether to do something, and to stop get to do a lot more fun and exciting things in life, because doing fun and exciting things is not allowed to become painful, boring or damaging to their relationships with others.
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Copyright Rebecca Allen, 2002.
Created February 9, 2002 Updated February 11, 2002