[ Cookbook | Book Reviews | Advice | Previous | Next ]
If only people supplied detailed instructions on how to engage in safe(r) sex. Actually, people do. Movies like Booty Call cover a lot of ground in a very humorous way. Rent it some day, or watch it on cable when it comes around. In the mean time, here's a short list of the basics.
Own condoms. Keep them with you, or where you might have sex. This advice is harder to follow than it might seem. In general, women keep them near their beds, and men keep them in their car. Pockets and wallets are not good environments for condoms. They fall out, they get damaged, they may cause people to think naughty thoughts about you. Purses are better. Women: buy and carry condoms. Even if you don't use a penis when you have sex, you can use them on toys to reduce disease transmission that way.
If you are allergic to latex, get poly --- condoms, Avantis is a common brand. Sheepskin isn't particularly protective.
Own lubricant. Bring it with you, or keep it where you might have sex. You can get lube in single-serve packets, just like ketchup at a fast food place. If you are using latex condoms, don't use an oil based lubricant (which includes vaseline). Glycerin based lubes, like Astroglide, are quite wonderful, but may not be for you if you are prone to yeast infections. K-Y may be a better choice if glycerin causes you problems. Silicone lubes, like Eros, also work well, and are ideal for watery environments, like hot tubs, but you can't make them go away when you're done. And that slippery feeling can be a little weird after sex.
Taste your lube. Find out, before you ask someone to lick you where you applied lube, what you are asking them to do. Taste yourself. Really. You need to know what you are asking from your partner. Astroglide, unlike many lubes, has a cinnamony but not overly sweet taste, best for oral sex after penetration.
If you are a woman having sex with a man, find and use a backup form of birth control. The morning after pill counts, and is available in some states without a prescription. Keep some at home. Birth control pills, diaphragm, IUDs, sponges, cervical caps, Depo -- the options are many and continue to increase. Find one that fits your lifestyle and use it.
If you are a man having sex with a woman, dispose of the condom appropriately. Don't flush it down the toilet. It may block the plumbing. If you have a dog, you are accustomed to carrying baggies for poop. If you don't trust the woman with a used condom in her waste basket, I question why you are sleeping with her, but in any event, a ziploc bag allows you to bring that spent condom to a place you feel you can safely dispose of it. Let me spell it out to you, so you know the risk. Women have been known to dig a used condom out of a waste basket and try to impregnate themselves with it. Some of those women have been successful. If one is successful with your sperm, you can be on the hook for child support. If you are over 21 and absolutely certain you never want to reproduce, get snipped. If you have any doubts, don't. Reversal is not 100% effective.
What can you get, even if you use a condom? Basically, everything, if the condom breaks or has a hole in it. The paranoid supply their own condoms. Women have been known to make pinholes in condoms through the package with a needle so they can get pregnant. Really. I know people (not friends) who have done this, more than once. Condoms are much more likely to break when dry. Buy lubricated condoms (but avoid nonoxynol-9 -- it's irritating and may increase cervical cancer risk in women, and doesn't help much anyway as a birth control method). Use lubrication liberally, especially if you are putting something in an orifice that doesn't lubricate on its own at all. A lot of women won't tell you (and many of them don't realize) that the pain they are experiencing can be reduced or eliminated or converted to pleasure through liberal lubrication. If you even suspect lube is needed, use it, unless your partner specifically asks you not to. Don't ask her if she needs it. She might say no for stupid reasons.
Condoms usually come in packages that include directions on how to use the condom. These directions can be very informative. Read them. The basic rules are: unroll it down the shaft, leaving a space at the head for cum. The tricky bit is figuring out which way to put it on the tip so it will unroll correctly. And if you guess wrong, given that virtually all men have some pre-cum when erect, you've already defeated the purpose of the condom. A lot of people blow into the condom to figure out which way it will roll.
If you can't tolerate latex, your choices are limited. If you can tolerate latex, the choices are extensive. Trojans are generally quite thick. I swear they are the source of 90% of the complaints about reduced sensitivity. Kimono (and the larger sized Maxx) are reliable, but much thinner. Swedish condoms (Okeido for larger sizes, Birds 'n' Bees, etc.) are also very good and even thinner. Most of the novelty condoms are kinda thick, and I've never been impressed by any of the bumps, ribs, etc., but condoms aren't that expensive and novelties can reduce fear and make for a more playful environment.
What can you get, if your condom works perfectly, you put it on before your penis got anywhere near your partner, etc.? Short list: common cold, flu, lice (and not just pubic lice), warts (including genital warts), herpes (both 1 and 2, and either of those you can get in either location, and you can also get higher numbered versions of herpes, but we won't go there). Plenty of these you can get without having sex with people (common cold). Some of these transmit through saliva (cold sores, not to be confused with canker sores), so you can get them by kissing.
One of the Naked Gun movies has Leslie Nielsen and Ann-Margret in body-sized condoms stumbling about bumping into each other. If this seems reasonable to you, try to find partners interested in engaging in mutual manual stimulation. Use lube and gloves and pretend you're cooking a meal involving salad and chicken and remember what you touched in what order and clean thoroughly in between. Before you laugh at that as ovely paranoid, remember that the HIV positive live long and relatively healthy lives these days, but need to avoid all new infections. These are options that make sense for some people.
You've probably heard of dental dams, and wondered what the hell they were. Think, medical grade Saran Wrap. Saran Wrap works fine. The numbers I've seen indicate no reason to worry about microwave safe vs. regular Saran Wrap. The stuff is tricky to use. Some of the top tips include: lube everything they're going to touch or it stings a lot when you remove it, and mark which side goes which way before you start or it's way too easy to defeat the purpose. They require good communication skills with your play partner. But like condoms, they have their fun aspects and can be incorporated into loving. In particular, if you or your partner has an outbreak of herpes, and you still want to engage in oral sex, you'd better use one. At the risk of freaking people out, if someone is still menstruating, this might get someone over the ick factor in delivering oral sex.
The late night saran wrap outing in Booty Call notwithstanding, unprotected oral sex seems very, very common. If you've ever tasted the flavored condoms out there, you'd have some idea why this is tempting. I'm not entirely certain what the theory behind this is (obviously, cunnilingus is going to involve a certain amount of fluid transfer female-to-giver; fellatio may or may not, depending on how much pre-cum the man produces and whether he cums in the fellater's mouth or not. Either way, the recipient is going to receive a fair amount of saliva, and with it, potentially, thousands of little herpes virii). While unprotected oral sex is safer than unprotected vaginal sex, which in turn is safer than unprotected anal sex, it is far from risk-free. A man is generally expected to warn before coming, and while some still put up a fuss if the fellater won't permit him to come, or will, but won't swallow, that behavior is, thankfully, increasingly assumed to be barbaric (altho gay men will put up with a shocking amount of abuse, women have the option of asking the man to swallow their cum first and see if they like it, a challenge frequently declined). Condoms are used for penetrative sex of all sorts, and on toys, and in general, people treat these as adequate protection against diseases, clinical realities notwithstanding. Why do people do this? Because they can get laid this way. Because they are idiots, and think only of HIV. Because herpes is not the end of the world (after all, most of us at some point caught chicken pox, which is a herpes virus). Because crabs are curable. Because everyone getting laid already has HPV (human papilloma virus, which can cause genital warts) anyway. Take your pick; your guess is as good as mine.
I have no better advice for you than to go in for a yearly checkup and if you catch anything, get it fixed and try to tell your current partners so they can deal with it appropriately. If you live in the Seattle area, here are some other options for getting HIV and other STD tests, as well as general information about STDs. If you want options for using a condom for fellatio and can't stand latex flavor, or the flavored kinds, you can try Avanti, which supposedly feels a bit more natural for both participants.
You may be one of those people who has been sick only rarely since you last attended school, because you have been isolated from sick kids. If you avoid people who are ill, and pride yourself on not catching everything that's going around, the common compromise above may horrify you. Decide what risks you are willing to take. Don't force yourself to do anything that strikes you as unhygienic and gross, because people will pick up on your revulsion and your experiences will be colored by the resulting unpleasant dynamic. Instead, raise the issue prior to sexual contact. People will refuse to answer, or lie, if they feel you condemn them, so the burden will be on you to make them feel comfortable enough to discuss these issues honestly. In particular, don't say, "I won't kiss someone who has any of the following diseases. Do you have any of them?" Or worse, "These diseases gross me out. Do you have any of them?" Further, even if people are comfortable, many of them don't even know their health status, or might not realize they should be communicating, for example, that they get cold sores but haven't had one in years. Virginity is no guarantee, either, when it comes to HSV-1 oral herpes. A lot of people pick this up in childhood, often from parents. This is a numbers game, so you might be tempted to just look for one, clean partner, hook up, get married, and avoid the whole problem. Know that the numbers are against you; you'll be limiting your options with this strategy.
In general, sleeping with people who categorically refuse to discuss their health status, or refuse to take precautions based on health status, is a very risky behavior. Don't do it. People who are willing to openly discuss their health status, odds on, will be willing to communicate about other issues as well, which I view as a good thing.
That said, as scary as sex in the post-HIV world is, remember that people have had sex for millions of years, for centuries even in the face of syphilis, back in the bad old days when there were no antibiotics, no treatment other than mercury (a deadly poison itself), and when it was not only more common, but probably much more virulent than it is now. The thinkers of the French Enlightenment, who wrote so much about liberty and the connectedness of the human family, were libertines who risked (and, for the most part, caught and in many cases died of) syphilis. They thought sex was worth it. Why?
If it were just about having an orgasm, we'd all just jack off by ourselves in complete safety and never reproduce. That's part of the answer. The people who are that concerned about avoiding the emotional, psychological and physical risks of sex aren't people who reproduce. We're the offspring of the people who couldn't leave it alone, even when it was killling them. Our ancestors made more babies during wars, not fewer. Why? Well, it's fun, it's a small taste of eternity and just a little whiff of death. Heaven, oblivion and being very much alive, all wrapped up in smelly, sweaty, bodily fluid exertion. Few other activities offer all that, and the ones that do are uniformly more dangerous. There's always more to learn, about the one partner you've chosen till you die, or the nth partner, whose name you can't even remember, yet at the same time, it's a very familiar ride through the cycle of arousal. It's the weirdest tension ever between being completely in your own body and absolutely connected to someone else's. As much as I've emphasized listening to your partner, letting them decide what you do or don't do to them, one of the biggest joys of sex is, for a little while, having a different body to play with (even if it's still a lot like your own) -- and having someone else play with yours.
Above, I state categorically that if you engage in heterosexual sex, even using a condom, you are responsible for more than just using that condom. As a man, you'd better dispose of it appropriately. As a woman, you'd better think long and hard about that 80% effectiveness number and find some other way to improve the odds of putting off parenthood. Talking about it isn't nearly as helpful as implementing a useful plan ahead of time, ideally with the assistance of health care professionals.
In the event of an unwanted pregnancy, you should be aware that the quicker you act, the better, no matter what you decide to do. If you're going to keep the baby, you probably want to cut down on or eliminate alcohol and other substances at least for the first trimester. If you aren't going to keep the baby, your options go away pretty fast. Morning after pill works if you catch it in the first 72 hours (that's three days). Chemically induced abortion (i.e. a shot in the hip instead of digging around inside you with a hose) only works for the first 7 weeks. Most herbal abortifacients and emmenagogues (the "natural" miscarriage) are most effective in a similar time frame. After 7 weeks, it's going to be a D & C and no fun at all. It doesn't feel good. It's emotionally disorienting. You'll have trouble finding a place to get it done in this country. Clinics that do it are routinely subjected to terrorist attacks (that's what bombings are, right?). Your insurance may or may not cover it. Prompt action is preferable.
So far, at least, men don't get any say in what happens to the baby they've fathered until after it is born. If you have any plans to pressure someone you've slept with to have an abortion she doesn't want, or to prevent her from having an abortion she does want, abandon those plans right now. The only way you can implement those plans is through the application of emotional pressure, and if words gets around, it will severely limit your dating options. We Don't Like That. Women Want Emotional Support in this situation and Nothing Else.
If a baby is born that you are the biological father of, you have some rights, which vary by state, and in many cases will require you to get paternity testing done to ensure you can exercise those rights. Watch daytime TV for a week, and you will learn how unpleasant life can be if uncertainty about paternity is present. Assuming you are the father, you will be on the hook for child support, regardless of whether you want to be involved in the child's life or not. There are ways to get out from under, generally by giving up your parental rights and making a lump sum payment. If you just disappear, you can't be sure the kid or the mother won't track you down later and try to get the cash then. If you want to be involved in the child's life, you can actually get joint (or even exclusive) custody, even if you weren't in any kind of ongoing relationship with the mother. Go to the library. Read some books. Get a lawyer. Get some counseling to help you decide what you want to do, and what it will entail.
Getting naked and engaging in hot monkey sex with people is not just risky in terms of contracting a disease or inadvertantly reproducing. It's also hard to work up the nerve to start, continue, or suggest something new and interesting. Many people use alcohol or other substances to get themselves and others "in the mood". A full discussion of the risk/reward of using substances is beyond the scope of this work. Here are a few rules of thumb that will help you keep out of bad trouble:
In some states, adults cannot give consent for sex if they have consumed more than a relatively small amount of alcohol (about two drinks in California, I've heard). You are risking accusations of rape if you have sex with a drunk person.
You've meet a nice young thing, and the nice young thing seems to like you, and you're hanging out, chatting, flirting, maybe even letching. Maybe you're at a party; maybe you're at a bar. Here are some questions that should flit across your mind, for your own protection:
Is the nice young thing old enough? How old is old enough depends on what state you are in, and how old you are. Many states now have sliding scales for statutory rape, so if a 17 year old gets it on with an 18 year old, everyone is okay, but if a 25 year old nails that 17 year old, the 25 year may wind up doing time. Find the relevant law. All the state codes are online now, AFAIK. Once you know the relevant law, you may need to find out the age of the nice young thing. If you are in a bar, you at least have a plausible defense. Before you have sex with someone, ask enough questions about the nice young thing's current occupation to get a sense of whether high school is truly a thing of the past. Nearly everyone has had a bad driver's license picture experience. If you can work one of yours into good social patter, you can get everyone pulling their wallets out and showing photos and you can sneak a look at the date of birth.
Is the nice young thing already taken? And how big is the owner of the nice young thing? I don't want to suggest that anyone can own anyone else, or that abusive relationships are in any way valid. But the hulking significant other can beat the crap out of you if you err in judging the nice young thing's availability. Make an effort to establish singleness. Ask something along the lines of, "So who are you seeing now?". If you ask, "You're single, right?", you provide momentum for lying. I want you to know the truth. "Who are you here with?" is another approach.
This isn't about illness. This is about smelling and tasting good. The armed forces, at various points in time, have had films that taught people how to shower. Some people out there probably could benefit from viewing those films. The major components here are: copious amounts of hot water and soap. I don't much care of you use a cloth, loofah, sponge or your hands, just make sure you pay special attention to those parts of the body that produce greater than average amounts of bodily fluid: your armpits and your crotch. If you sweat a lot (due to a medical condition, nervousness, external temperature or physical exertion), shower immediately before sex. If you don't, you can do this ahead, and then spot clean immediately before sex.
Spot cleaning should focus on the same places the shower focused on, plus any places where noses and mouths are likely to spend time while having sex. Brush your teeth thoroughly. Use mouthwash, but think twice about flossing. Nice from a hygiene perspective, flossing can create breaks in the gum, open sores, that increase the likelihood of catching the never-get-overs if you go down on someone without protection. Clean your privates thoroughly with a damp cloth after urinating and eliminating. If you take a break during the festivities to urinate or eliminate again, or, for men, post-ejaculation (women if you aren't using condoms), clean up again. Stand-up comedians dine-out on women who wipe back to front; we need to improve our reputation.
I, personally, am opposed to scented products, because I'm allergic to a lot of them. Plenty of them have the potential to irritate tender body parts, which also makes them a questionable idea. And finally, try tasting it before you put it on down there. A lot of what smells good tastes vile. Don't make oral sex any more offputting than it has to be.
Some people are fascinated by messiness in these areas. Walter, the British author of a sexual diary in the nineteenth century, went through this phase in middle age. I trust that those who are into this sort of thing will let you know, and encourage you to skip whatever cleaning detracts from the event for them. The rest of us will be oh, so, thankful if you smell neutral to nice when we meet you between the sheets. I don't care what Joy of Sex suggests to the contrary.
If the above regime persistently leaves you smelling pretty vile, get yourself checked for a yeast infection. It's also possible to get fungal infections in the area, which you want dealt with before it spreads, if nothing else. Women who are menstruating (or about to start menstruating, or just finished menstruating, they think) should inform people about to offer cunnilingus.
Damp towels near the action are one way to save trips to the facilities. The trick rag has an honorable history for enabling the manual action to move from the back door to the front without a long hiatus. This has all the same problems that using sponges, wash clothes and dishrags in the kitchen has. Which is to say, replace the damp towel often.
A note about hydration. Drink water. It can make a huge difference in ejaculation for men, especially after round one. And for women, it almost always makes a difference in the ability to lubricate and maintain lubrication. Especially if you've been drinking alcohol, caffeinated anything or taken other diuretics, enough water can make the difference between a painful experience, unsatisfying experience and ecstasy. Urination is crucial in avoiding urinary tract infections (UTIs). Go before sex. Go after sex. Take a break during sex if you need to.
What precisely constitutes sex? Without committing myself to any definition that purports to be complete and consistent, I will note the following.
Currently, it's probably easier to get oral sex than penetrative sex. This seems to be a combination of the mainstreaming of oral sex in general, combined with post-HIV caution about penetrative sex. Oral sex is third base in the contemporary baseball analogy (kissing is still first, groping is second and home remains penetrative sex) for youthful heterosexuals. If you won't deliver oral sex, you marginalize yourself as a lover. If you expect to receive oral sex, without reciprocating, you will have to cough up the difference, probably twice over, in some other part of the relationship.
69 retains some additional cachet over and above turn-taking. Some advice columns pooh-pooh this appeal, sometimes by analogy to the fascination with simultaneous orgasm, which seems to have more or less been sidelined. 69 is two people simultaneously delivering and receiving oral sex, lest there be some confusion (and I've heard some dillies). This can be done in a variety of positions. Talk to your partner and plan your movements carefully to avoid kneeing someone in the neck or poking their eye out with your big toe. Bonobos (a species of primate) have a bunch of handsignals to solve this kind of problem. If you can't bring yourself to talk about it, you could try developing some sign language.
If you plan on using toys with a partner, use condoms on them, or use new toys with each new partner. They can transmit disease otherwise. Most toys come with directions on how to clean them. They also should specify what kind of lube to use on them (in general, don't use silicone lube on silicone toys).
Manual stimulation has a lot going for it, it terms of not transmitting diseases. Keep your fingernails trimmed, and unless specifically asked to, don't use them. If you're planning on putting your fingers into sensitive orifices, I strongly suggest you trim them down to the quick, or very close. Ask your partner what your partner likes, and use plenty of lube. If your partner doesn't know what they like, start with light pressure, and vary the type of motion (back and forth, up and down, circular). Encourage them to tell you verbally what they like, and what they want more of, or harder, or whatever. Watch their nonverbals. They may be reluctant to tell you they dislike something; cringing is a clue. If they eventually tell you to stop doing something, resist the temptation to ask why they didn't tell you sooner. And of course, soft moans are a strong clue to continue what you are doing.
Judging by radio call-in shows, there's a lot of ridiculous ideas out there about penile-vaginal sex. Don't expect to be thrusting for more than 20 minutes. Even with lube, the vagina will probably get very irritated and she will get irritable, not to mention bored. Thrusting all by itself is unlikely to do much of anything for her (altho she may put on a show that convinces you otherwise), unless you have a penis that bends in exactly the right direction for her (and if you do, you probably will figure this out after your second partner, assuming the first one ever lets you go). Encourage her to do things like reach down with her fingers and make things more interesting for herself, you, or whatever else she feels like doing. If you can juggle your action and free up a hand, you could reach down and make things more interesting. Try different positions. Try different positions in the same session. Never, ever, ever get attached to the idea of having an orgasm in a new position the first time you try it with a partner.
Just as we all have mouths, male, female, straight, queer, we all have anuses. Anal play is an option, but not part of the standard repertoire. You limit your options by requiring your partner to be willing to engage in anal sex; I don't think you limit your options by refusing to engage in anal sex. First things first. Avoid transferring fecal matter from the anus to any other orifice. Eliminate completely before sex. An enema is a Really Good Idea, if anything other than fingers, or condom-wrapped items will be entering the anus in question. Anything that enters an anus needs to be cleaned thoroughly (or, if a condom-wrapped penis, get a new condom) before it goes into any other orifice. If you want to engage in rimjobs, you will have to find another expert for advice. The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Toratino is one possibility. Use plenty of lube (I'll bet you're sensing a pattern here). Enter slowly and let the recipient determine depth of penetration, unless they tell you to do otherwise.
Get Betty Dodson's book, Sex for One. Learn how to make yourself come. Then find another way to make yourself come. Find out how short you can make the process, start to finish. Find out how long you can stretch it out. Find areas of your body (other than your genitals) that are especially sensitive for you, and try to understand what that sensitivity means for you. Everyone has nipples, not just women. Find out whether yours are hooked up to anything interesting. Remember that touch is a word that incorporates more than just sensation on the surface. Bring internal muscles under conscious control as part of understanding what you find sensual and sexually appealling (start with words like kegel and mulabunda and proceed from there). If it's something you don't like, and don't want to learn to like, but is very sensitive, plan to warn partners how not to touch you. If it's something you do like, learn ways (and especially, find words and gestures) to communicate what it is you have discovered, so you can help someone do it for you. Incorporate what works for you alone into sex with a partner. If you are a woman who is over the age of twenty, and are uncertain whether you have ever had an orgasm, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of learning to masturbate and to communicate what works for you to your partners. If you are having sex without (much) pleasure, for someone else, it will color your view of them, of sex, of relationships in general. It's best for you to figure this out while you have a hot, young body. Don't wait until you are fighting wrinkles and a spare tire in your middle decades.
Women: track yours, at least for a while. If you are on the pill, read the pill insert and don't smoke, especially if you are over 35. A lot of medications interfere with the effectiveness of the birth control pill, notably some anti-seizure medication (sometimes prescribed for migraines) and certain antibiotics. You can ask your doctor about bad combinations, but your doctor may or may not keep up. Ask your pharmacist when you get a new prescription filled whether it will impact the effectiveness of the birth control pill. If they look uncertain, make them look it up. Trust me, it'll be less hassle, and less embarrassing than either having a child or an abortion. Reading the insert will also inform you of the importance of taking the pill at the same time of day, every day, and give you the rules for what to do if you forget.
Over the course of the month, whether on the pill or not, the texture of a woman's lubrication will change. Bright men pay attention to this, on the off chance she is not on the pill, or has forgotten to take it. When the juices feel especially stringy or ropy, sperm has an optimal environment for climbing up, which means she's close to when she would ovulate (if she is ovulating). Be extra careful with the condom.
Unlike men, who are under the unremitting, debilitating effects of testosterone 24-7, women experience fluctuations in hormone levels. Just as it is unwise to challenge an adolescent male, tempting him to punch you, during part of the month, it is good idea to be particularly scrupulous about your speech and behavior, because for at least a few days, she will be unable to come up with any compelling reason not to rip your head off and spit down your neck regarding exactly why you are an asshole and what you need to do to change. During the rest of the month, you can go back to taking advantage of her without fear of repercussions. I will further add that it is never a good idea to tell her you think and act under these beliefs. It is patronizing and unconscionably rude, and if women notice, they will start to require you to be on your best behavior all the time, instead of just a few days a month.
There are two major ways to enable women to go about their business during their period without dripping on the furniture: catching the drips before they hit the panties, or preventing them from exiting the body by stuffing something up inside to absorb it. The former includes pads, which are primarily a threat to plumbing. Don't flush them. Wrap them up and put them in the garbage. If you are in someone's house that you suspect won't take out the trash for a while, bring a baggie and take the used pad with you. They will attract flies and worse. That latter category include tampons and less common products like sponges. The major threat here is Toxic Shock Syndrone (I think the current theory is that this is Staphylococcus aureus, which means a vaccine may be available in the near future). Don't leave anything stuffed up there more than 8 hours. The minor threat here is to plumbing. Again, don't flush these little guys. Same rules as for pads. Tampons are often sold with rolled cardboard applicators, thus saving the woman the trouble of actually touching herself. Makes those disturbing statistics on how few women masturbate seem a lot more plausible. Some women categorically refuse to use them, and will cite all kinds of bizarre stories by way of explanation, some of which (like TSS) make some sense. Occasionally one hears tales of tampons being forgotten, doubled up, left in place during intercourse, etc. They sound implausible, but they absolutely can and do happen. If you do use tampons, and you get sufficiently altered to lose track of stuff, make a point when you sober up to do a little checking to make sure you haven't lost track of anything. Don't feel too bad if you do something a little silly. You have plenty of company.
A variety of cultural and religious traditions have dictated what kind of sexual activity, if any, can occur during menstruation. If you've got your own rules, as a man or a woman, do your best to communicate them to your partner, and listen to what your partner has to say. Assuming your choices are not associated with your spiritual (or other) identity, try to be open to trying new things. I realize the ick factor can be quite high for some people, but the ick factor exists to be overcome, and transformed into an additional buzz. If ick isn't stopping you, but rather cramping, headaches, or other pains associated with menstruation, respect whatever she says she wants or doesn't want to do, or to try doing, and do what you can to help her mitigate her symptoms.
[ Cookbook | Book Reviews | Advice | Previous | Next ]
Copyright Rebecca Allen, 2002.
Created February 12, 2002 Updated November 19, 2003