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A lot of dating books start here. Some start a little later in the process, but many have advice on this subject. This next bit of advice is going to be a bit boring through familiarity, but hang in there. Some of it has a slightly different perspective than the usual advice book.
A lot of books and people tell you you shouldn't pretend to be what you aren't to attract what you want. While simplistically true, this is somewhat misleading. A lot of physical appearance is very mechanical in nature; the act of doing is the process of being. While you aren't necessarily your haircut, if you scrub up, you'll probably smell okay. If you don't (due to chronic halitosis, flatulence or some other unpleasant bodily function) you may want to revisit chapter 4, possibly with a view to improved nutrition. This will work better if you can find a good health care practitioner who specializes in the crossover between Eastern and Western medicine. Increased physical activity over time will have a beneficial effect on your physical appearance and body shape.
A bunch of obnoxious books have been written on the subject of positive thinking. I'm not going to go there, other than to say that smiles are better than a neutral expression if you're trying to attract others, and a neutral expression is better than a frown. Unless you are specifically looking to connect with misanthropes, in which case, never mind.
If you decide to work through the suggestions in this book(let), you will be tempted to apply the rule of consult-with-friends to the problem of updating your wardrobe, haircut and facial grooming. Be careful who you pick to help you in this process. Most of your friends will just screw you up, but in a way that makes it hard to justify further change until the cut grows out or the clothes wear out.
In general, it's a good idea to adhere to conventional standards of grooming by default, deviating from them only consciously. Long hair and no hair communicate certain (largely inaccurate) ideas to most people and that will have an impact on who approaches you and who views your approach with aplomb. That said, normality is going to render you nondescript. You will have to be identifiable somehow.
For much of my adolescence and early adulthood, a series of presumably well-meaning, but possibly malicious women attempted to convince me to change my haircut and clothing choices. The consensus was that I should have bangs, play up the natural curl (generally supplementing it with a permanent), play up the blonde (by lightening my hair color further) and wear short, tight clothing. I seem to recall teasing being a verb used in both contexts. I hated all of these ideas, and eventually refused to let anyone cut my hair and took to wearing comfortable black clothes that felt nice to touch. Do not let this happen to you. Find a congenial hair stylist. If you don't want to look cute, don't let people give you a cute haircut. Communicate to your stylist what you want people to think of you and trust the stylist to get it right. If the stylist doesn't get it right, find another and repeat until you are successful. Don't let a friend pick a haircut for you. Don't try to look like your favorite TV or movie star. Before letting a friend or relative take you shopping for clothes, decide for yourself whether you'd willingly pay money to wear anything you've seen them wear. If the answer is no, do not under any circumstances go shopping with them. If you'd love to steal all their clothes, they're worth a shot, but a lot of people are a pain to shop with. Go alone, during a weekday if possible and try to monopolize salespeople. They're paid to figure out this stuff. But before you grab a sales person, check out the store, and make sure you're in a place that contains things you want to wear.
Grant McCracken's Big Hair does a nice job of explaining how women's haircuts expedite and communicate personal change. He was unable to get men to communicate with him on this subject, so the book is of limited use for men, but I believe some of the principles apply across genders.
Try to get as much of your new look down and stable before getting back into dating, especially if you've been out of the game for a while. You want a clear, attractive and accurate presentation of yourself; it will help preselect appropriate candidates before anyone so much as says hello in a crowded bar.
Once you do start dating, you need to have ways to manage your anxiety, unless you are one of the rare birds who has none when meeting new people (I have no advice for you; you have problems that I have no solutions for. . .yet). Lines may suck but they are necessary, because small talk cannot be substantive or it won't work. Come up with a handful, try to keep them simple and inoffensive. Practice them until you can deliver them even when in the middle of a cold sweat. Get feedback from someone who is generally more supportive than critical, and make it clear to them you want assistance. You need someone who can tell you if your nonverbals are way off (talking too loud, too quietly, too fast, too slow, drooling a bit, etc.), but who will not mess with your confidence by trying to turn you into some sort of 007 knock off or femme fatale.
Most of us need to be slightly altered when we're meeting new people. For some, set and setting are adequate (dark smoky bar), but for most of us, alcohol, a cigarette or something less licit are required to maintain our cool in the face of the terror of meeting people we hope to have sex with. That's okay. Manage your consumption and monitor its impact on your life. If your substance of choice is impairing your job performance, it will eventually impact your dating options as well, so exercise caution.
If you can put together a cheering squad, a group of appropriately gendered friends (you probably know better than me what this means for you; in general, people not of the gender you are trying to attract) who will cheer you on at the bar, club, party or event, and give you encouraging feedback regarding who is a likely candidate for your affections, and who will throw a drink in your face, more power to you. This may be the most effective way to sustain self-esteem while going through the process of throwing yourself on the mercy of strangers. So sustainable your self-esteem may overinflate and prevent you from changing in ways that enable you to reach your goal. Exercise some caution regarding the members of your cheering squad. The movie Swingers depicts a male cheering squad in action.
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Copyright Rebecca Allen, 2002.
Created February 9, 2002 Updated November 19, 2003