Don't Eat Blue M's!!
Not too long ago, at M&M headquarters, a decision was made that would later have far-reaching implications. The powers-that-be replaced the innocuous tan M's with blue ones. The impact of this has put countless tan M's out of work (indeed... they are all but extinct), and the blue M's are running roughshod over the other colors of M's. I implore you....Do not endorse blue M tyrrany by eating them!
![[No Blue M's!]](noblue_m.gif)
1) They are a very un-appetizing shade of blue - What sort of food is blue, anyway?
2) They clash with the other colors. Wholesome colors of the earth, such as brown and red, and plants, such as green and yellow.
3) They are way too smug for their own good. They think they're so cool.... I find it offensive.
4) They are evil evil evil!! This might seem ludicrous, but only until you know what they've done.
5) Research shows they are genetically inferior to other M's.
1) Give them to your enemies.
2) Send them back to M&M/Mars and ask to trade them in for other colors.
3) Use them as packing material.
If you know of any other convincing reason not to eat blue M's, or any other use for them (besides putting them in a landfill), or any other internet resources for M's in general and blue M's in particular, please send me e-mail at balamb@seanet.com. You have my undying thanks.
Red M Scare Several years ago, M&M/Mars (the makers of M's) stopped selling red M's. The misinformed public demanded this because it was believed the dye in red M's (F&DC Red #5) caused cancer. This was never true, and eventually Red M's were restored to their rightful place in the bag with the other M's. Their is substantial evidence that this "Red Scare" was the work of Blue M's.
Choking Hazard Everyone knows that children shouldn't put small blue objects into their mouths. However many parents are unaware of the danger their children may be in. Is it a coincidence that a person's face turns blue when they are asphyxiated? We think not!
Cattle Mutilations It is well known that many varieties of cattle have a special and distinct craving for all things blue, and especially blue candy. This is the sole motivation of the blue M's, which have long been suspected by authorities in several cases of cattle mutilation, but no concrete proof has ever been found.
Kennedy Assasination The so-called "Magic Bullet Theory" has been scoffed at by critics for many years as being too far-fetched. However, the truth is not far off. There was in fact a second projectile, but it was not a bullet. It was a specially trained kamikaze... a blue M. This was done to throw off suspicion and cause doubt, which in turn would create political unrest in many small latin american countries where chocolate is a major cash-crop.
Incarnation of Evil This is a relatively new theory, and as yet is not widely believed, but there is evidence to suggest that blue M's are responsible for the creation of Satan.
Important M Genetics Research
I received the following in an e-mail, however the author was uncredited. Because this person has done valuable research that supports my own theories, I have included it here. If anyone knows who this genius is, please contact me.
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
Mailing Address of M&M/Mars:
M&M/Mars... and their official M&M website (be advised: this site is full of blue M propaganda): http://www.m-ms.com
A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.
The Award-Winning "Anti-Blue M&M Page" home of T.A.N.M. & M. (Trash And Neutralize Menace & Malice): http://www.mines.edu/students/l/lbecker/mm/
This document is maintained by Brett Lamb for entertainment purposes only. If you weren't entertained, you have my apologies.
If you were entertained, or if you have questions or comments about the content of this document, please send e-mail to balamb@seanet.com.
Do not send mail if you simply think I have too much time on my hands.
M&Ms, M&M/Mars, and Mars, Inc. are all trademarks of Mars, Inc. and they are used here without permission. Shhhhh... I won't tell if you don't.
