Still on the Edge in Sumas

Saturday night: Exhausted. Yesterday I actually applied paint to bus. It felt good, at times great, but now I'm mainly just tired.

I wound up using some free latex paint on the bus which looks like a big mistake. I used a brush, with multiple colors at once. The latex was from the nieghbor Dale, and purple. Mixed with a little green left over from the cabin made a nice effect above the windows. The paint bubbled a bit overnight, thanks to the rain. Not sure how much I'll have to redo.

This little fiasco wouldn't have happened if I'd just bought all the paint I'd need ahead of time. Somehow I forgot that all I'd brought up was three quarts--red, blue, and green, and a pint of yellow. Shoulda just used them I guess.

Another regret--I just realized that the four window blanks aren't installed where I originall intended. I am such a spacehead sometimes. They're one off. For now I guess I'll live with that mistake as well.

I've also been working on the cabin as the mood strikes. Of course work on the cabin takes a back seat as far as I'm concerned, even while there's so much I'd like to get down. I did manage to put up some glass shelves in our little "sun room".

It was raining this morning so I gave up any further painting. When it comes to living simply, I guess I talk a good game but being up here with only Sadie the dog for company, well...I'm not prepared for so very much isolation, with so very few distractions. I brough videos but there's no cable for the VCR (Thanks Mark.) Also my meals are a bit plain since I didn't really think about menus.

This cabin was TOO quiet; only the neighbors to talk to. They're nice, if a bit odd, but I think the truth is I'm not up for entertaining myself up there for more than a couple of days. Sumas would be just as difficult without Mark around. Living in Seattle I was usually alone, but at least there were coworkers during the day, and then always the potential at least for company, friends, dates, etc. And I'm used to company now. Not having a phone was also sort of difficult.

Now that I'm forty, sex is less important than it was (which says a lot since it was never that important). I do crave the contact--the trust, commitment, caring aspect of a sexual relationship. Anonymous sex never worked for me, or not often anyway. That's fine, but if I were travelling--I prefer company to solitude. The ethical slut routine sounds ideal--if you can find those so inclined. Of course if Mark were along I'd wish I had more solitude. Maybe I could travel alone but there would have to be some very social destinations (ideally with some hot available men). Travelling with Mark would be best, but without him...driving up Vancouver Island to take in the sights sounds lovely and all, but how many sexy gay men ARE there in Alert Bay? Of course the other part is I'm not even retired. A two week vacation at most is all I can do. Maybe with the right connections I could create a fun time, with and without other people.

What happened at the 2000 Burning Man comes to mind. It wasn't all marvelous. Mark didn't go. I was there with Purple Mark, he rode along. A delightful friend, but still I guess I felt some alienation for everyone. Also I was paranoid from to much pot. BM is a primarily straight event, so unless you are the type of queer who likes a LOT of social interaction, well its hard on us quiet fags. Fantastic art absolutely everywhere, many pleasant people, but not a close friend anywhere. So much build up that I wasn't ready for such loneliness. Not there. Totally whigged me out, I was in tears. There was this illusion of "bonding" that was false, at least for me. I wanted to be loved more, I guess. Me and my issues...

In truth I prefer the distractions of modern living. The cell phone, the email, CNN, all of it. Hi-tech gadgets, appointments, messages, all to keep us sane in the end I think, for without our cache of background noise makers, what is there to think about except change? And loneliness.

Also, I think I need a certain amount of routine. There is no set agenda at the cabin, so maybe that was part of the depression...

An unbearable future hurtles toward all of us, a death sea change threatens to immerse us at every turn, forbidden waters above our heads, dammed just out of sight of our unconsciousness. Think about anything else instead: walk the dog, check the fax, our investment portfolio. Anything to secure the rapture of our senses, if only until the next diversion.

Yeah, so I'm a bit negatively grounded tonight...Happy September 11th. Last night I had a pretty severe bronchitous attack. Whether brought on by the dust from bus sanding, the dust in the garage, smoking filterless roll-ups, or the open window in the bedroom--anyway it was a long night. I haven't worked in the garage in a couple weeks. I wore a dust mask while sanding the bus Thursday but that dust is nasty. At the time it didn't bother me, but night before last I had to work just to inhale. I had a sinus infection two months ago but this was different. Charles died while struggling to breathe. Maybe time for another doc visit. Doctor of what?

7:53 pm: Okay, I'm going to try this again, just because
1. I can and
2. This PDA has been incredibly ...uptight the last few days.

I s pent my Labor Day screwing with the Visor (Palm) because I sort of accidently deleted the database for the Eyemodule2... I think. Somehow the camera plug-in that I got on Ebay caused the whole PDA to freeze up...repeatedly. Its working now, fine, after numerous hard reboots...so I wanted to get back to this typing on the keyboard in the Livingroom thang. Its working so far.

No real deep thoughts at the moment. My focus remains on painting the bus which is currently parked up in Boston Bar, Canada. So with luck I'll spend a happy weekend with an orbital sander and a paint brush working on the soon to be decorated bus. The thing is I'm also really wanting to be in California for the upcoming artcar fest, especially after seeing Avril's invite on the email. She's the totally cool neato hippy chick with two very fabu children that I've talked about on here before.

Anyhow, the other thing is that along with visiting her, there will be all those other GREAT artcartists hanging about...Kelly and Don, Gary, Queenie, maybe even some of the Canadian folks wouldn't that be cool. God I SO want to go.

But I'm all spun up about this bus, which now that I think about it is about as crazed an endeavor as I've ever imagined. And now its come to me giving up these oh so rare roadtrips with people I can't even imagine living without. Except that I don't spend all that much time with them anyway. Gawd...

The upside is that the more I get done on the bus the less I'll have to fuss over next year...prior to other fun events next summer, including some (one) that makes me so nervous I'm not even sure I can go through with it. That would of course be Burning Man. Not sure but its only bigger than than it was in 2000, and believe me it was gib then.

I think I'm out of my mind now. We'll be right back...

9:12 pm: Now this could get interesting. Here's a first: typing on the PDA while lounging on the couch.

So much happening, that I'm actually worried about getting it all down. That I'm still not doing enough, or that I'm still worried about it...? That my health is more fragile than ever. That I'm not as 'cool' as my car makes it seem? That I still don't know what's happening with the bus. That this record won't even last the night, given that this computer is likely more fragile even than I am.

I'd like to write to Touch Orrior to let him know I dreamed about him. But I'm stopped by my random, habitual reluctance.

I'd like to write to Queenie to thank her and Jim for a wonderful time and a treasure from Naniamo. But I can't find their address.

I'd like to write to Amber to thank her for the simply awesome artcar accessories, but even more for thinking of me when she found them. No address for her either.

I'd like to write to the girl walking through the alley who said my car was righteously cool, or words to that effect. Hell I don't even know who she was.


9:20 pm: Its a Sunday night, the bus arrived at Boston Bar...yesterday, safe and sound. For all my stress and worry, the Canadian border cops were downright friendly, even kind. I can't believe they let us through with so little hassle. The one detail I discovered just prior to the border crossing was that the Canadians won't look fondly on storing an American bus in Canada, even if it is on my property (at the cabin). That was Mark's last minute bombshell, though he did clarify later that were we to declare ourselves 'seasonal residents' we'd be allowed to store the bus up there for up to six months. That little gap in the law is intended for retired couples according the lady in Immigration. Which we are not, but Mark still thinks we can meet the letter of Canadian import law if we drive the bus back to the states within that timeframe. Sounds like scating between the lines to me, but what the hell.

The bus performed flawlessly; we stopped in Hope for groceries, and other than the hills the bus made it to Boston Bar at top speed.

One of the "local color" as Mark calls them, by the name of Darrel, threatened to break all the windows if I paint the bus, I am not kidding. I was pretty upset needles to say, but Mark thought he was just messing with me in some demented fashion. I guess every town has a character or two. I just told him to have a little faith, it'll be great. Ha ha! Jesus I hope he gets hit by a train and dragged, the wacko.

We also found a fabu rust colored plush couch from the '60's, with matching chair. The are perfect for the cabin; the inside of the cabin just about glows with gay charm. And I cleaned out the garage, which is probably why my sinuses are in the sewer once again. Worth it, I hope, since now I have a fairly decent place to work on the bus, with power, and even room to tinker. Haven't yet talked to Richard in d etail but I'm still hoping for some help/know-how from him. Either way, progress is at hand. Next time I sand I'll definitely use a DUST MASK!

Anyway, today was a pleasant time working on the artcar...air horns. I got the cheapo units from the auto supply to work, but I still can't get a toot out of the Fiamm horns, but maybe I'll try something else later...

That's enough...with any luck this file will get saved to the computer and then get copied onto the blog. This PDA is soooo coool...